My Anxiety (Quite a long story)

[Priroda]

I've been struggling with anxiety for aslong as I can remember now. I never knew what it really was, but I always knew there was something different about the way I thought: never really did anything about it until it got really bad a couple months ago.

When I was a kid, one of my first panic attacks arose when I was in elementary school, in my younger years to be exact. I was at a friend's house, eating a french fry and almost choked when trying to swallow it. For a while after that and even sometimes to this day, I struggled with swallowing foods, as I thought too much about choking while doing it. I went to therapy groups to solve my problem and it really seemed to help me coop with my anxiety for quite a while; keep in mind I had no idea what anxiety was at this age.

I went into highschool with a high level of confidence. I was still a shy person, but never really thought bad things about myself and from what I remember, always had a clear mind. This carried on until grade 11, when an incident really hit me. I went on a school trip, no parents, no teachers, just us students, other schools and alcohol. I wasn't a big drinker and everybody in my grade knew that, so typically, I was the one to get drunk and to be honest, I did. Now before whenever I drank, I felt good, but this time I was smashed. I was going around, saying hi to everyone, not really realizing how stupid I looked until I picked up on a random kid's face I was talking to. He gave me a weird look and from that point on, I knew I was being annoying and it kind of ruined my night. The next morning (it was a 4-day trip), I woke up and kind of shook it off, felt as if I was back to normal. We drank that night again and went to the student club for that trip. This time, I didn't drink as much, mainly cause I didn't really like alcohol. A girl came up to me and grabbed me from the railing that I was leaning on with my other sober friends and I thought, "oh god." She started dancing and I really didn't want to move cause I didn't know how to dance, but I did anyway. I knew I wasn't doing anything right and I probably looked like an idiot, but again, shook it off and went to the hotel. That night back at the hotel, a girl I knew came up to me and said, "wow, you were around all the ladies tonight." I will admit, it made me feel good about myself, but then just as she said that, her boyfriend said, "too bad you can't dance." I thought about it for a second and realized, "oh god, they probably saw me." They laughed it off and so did I, but it stuck with me for that night and the next morning and the morning after that, even to this day when I really want to think about it. From that point on, I've been so sensitive to social cues around me, felt that people slowly started disliking me and honestly, just felt a whole lot worse about myself. It got worse and worse, throughout grade 12 and into my first year of university.

I did well for myself in highschool. I slacked in grade 9, but picked up the pace throughout grade 10 and excelled in grade 11 and 12. I was accepted into two of the top universities in my area for engineering and felt as if I had figured my life out: little did I know, I was so, so wrong. In my first year of university, I lived in residence. I was kind of excited for something new and challenging, but again came the social problems. I sat in my room on frosh week and avoided any drinking, as I thought people would think I'm annoying. I didn't attend any frosh week events because I didn't want to talk to new people. And the one night I got drunk, ended horribly when I sobered up and started to think of the stupid things I might have said or done when I was sobering up. At this point, I actually wanted school to start so I had an excuse to sit inside all day. Nobody else knew of this however, my roommate (a friend from highschool), always knew I wasn't a partier and outgoing, but didn't know the full reasoning behind my actions. Regardless, I carried on throughout my first semester and it felt as if things were getting better. I was doing well in school, slowly stopped caring about what people thought and actually started to become friends with a few people on my floor.

This is how it carried on throughout the year, until finals came. Keep in mind that I still wasn't a social person, I kind of got nervous when talking to people, but I felt better in comparison to how I felt when I got there. Anyway, finals came and the school stress along with it, which I believe was normal. I'm not the type of student to go to class or do homework, as I spend most of my time thinking and playing around. So obviously, cramming for 7 finals was quite stressful, but I made it and honestly, didn't really feel that much better about myself.

I still had anxiety during the summer, didn't want to go out and I was so disappointed in myself because I wondered when I was going to realize that none of it mattered. Who cares what people think right? Easy to say, but hard to believe. Ever since then, I've been so focused on the moment of when I was just going to wake up one day and not care, but it still hasn't came. Right now, I find myself in a world of anxiety and not just social anxiety, other sorts such as agoraphobia, OCD especially (which I've always had, but has really become a problem now) and generalized anxiety. My mind's always racing, I can't study and I'm constantly thinking of stupid things that seem to occupy my mind over what's important. I know this is a long story and I could go on for hours about my life, but my goal was to show you how it progressed and to see if any of you could relate to it in some way.

Please let me know if you've had similar experiences and how you feel now, because it'll make me feel like I'm not the only one going through this.

Thank you if you took the time to read the entire story.

[Sarbear]

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I hated high school as I was never popular and always felt like I didn't fit in. It sounds like your mental health problems are becoming worse, maybe you should think about seeing someone as well as have them give you ideas about how to raise your self confidence.

I will tell you though, I think we (or most of us anyways!) have all had that moment of drinking too much and thinking omg what did I say or do?! I have done it... Too many times I'd even care to admit. And you're right, it's so easy to say that it doesn't matter what other people think, but it's so hard to actually do that. I will say though, even though I've done some pretty embarrassing things, your real friends will understand and will laugh with you, and never let you live it down. ;) As for being "annoying" while drunk, I think we are all annoying when drunk, especially to people less drunk than us haha. I'm sorry I hope I helped even a little. Take care. :)

[Gwen123]

You're definitely not alone. I've got anxiety and depression, so not exactly the same as you, but I can relate and there are loads of other people with anxiety and other mental health problems. Once you start talking to people about it, you're be surprised how many people have these problems.

I have social anxiety and I think I've always had it to some degree. I was a shy child but even when I came out of my shell I'd get knocked down again whenever I got criticism from people, like someone saying I talked too much or that I didn't talk enough or that my story was boring or they've heard that story before etc... Kids don't tend to hold back, they'll say what they think even if it's hurtful. And I never thought I was pretty, I hated how I looked until I was about 16. So all of that added up and until I was 16 I had worries and I overthought everything, but didn't really know what anxiety was and I don't think it was anxiety, it wasn't a problem, it was just overthinking and lack of confidence and low self-esteem. But someone very close to me died when I was 16 and that caused a lot of grief and stress and I think that is what triggered that overthinking to turn into anxiety and depression. I'm now in my 3rd year of university and I'm still struggling with anxiety and depression every day. It's got easier as I've found triggers to avoid and some things that help and I've got a therapist now. I know now that people think stuff about everyone in their lives, good and bad, and you can't always control that. But their thoughts aren't going to hurt me. I'm sure that I'm annoying to people sometimes, but other people annoy me sometimes too and I don't go mad at them. I know that my mind can go crazy making up things that I think other people think about me (confusing) so I don't have to believe everything in my head.

Everyone's anxiety story is different, but I can understand how your brain would turn all of those thoughts into anxiety that's spiralled. Talking to other people with this problem (like you're doing on here) might help you realise you're not that different and you're not alone and help you understand how you came to feel like this. If you haven't already, getting a therapist is a very good step. You don't need to worry about any stigma around that because loads of people have therapists for all sorts of reasons and they can't tell anyone, even your college, anything you don't want them to know. Journalling and breathing techniques are other things people can find helpful. It's about finding what works for you. It will take time but you can get through this. You really can :) Good luck with everything and I hope you feel better.