Relationship Anxiety and Reassurance Seeking

[Lyran]

Hi guys,

I've been on here before and overcame parts of my anxiety with other issues. However, one thing that still troubles me is that I seek too much reassurance from my girlfriend and doubt myself too much.

I have a great relationship with my girlfriend, but I'm always wondering: would she still love me if she knew I had this thought, or if she knew this small detail about my interaction with another girl?

This leads me to want to check and get reassurance or certainty. I want to tell her every small detail, every thought, so that then she can determine if she still loves me. Otherwise, I feel like she won't have a complete view of me and won't be able to love the 'real me'; i.e. we'd be living a lie.

It's not that I've done anything wrong, but how do I know I haven't done anything wrong till I tell her? I guess I don't trust my own judgement because it's in my best interests that I believe I'm right. I want her to confirm that I'm right in thinking that my actions and thoughts are okay - otherwise I can't be certain that they are.

I have done this a few times, I feel a compulsion to disclose everything. She understands but really it's not healthy, and as soon as one thing is resolved, I cast doubt upon another issue or interaction or thought.

I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about it in a journal, to try and resolve it without telling her, but I never seem to be able to. I want that final confirmation from her.

Of course, this would become very tiring and annoying for her. I don't want to keep doing it, and it will never be over - I'll have to keep checking for every little thing.


Does anyone have experience with this, or advice on different strategies for thinking/coping with this?

It means I can almost never fully relax and just enjoy our relationship. I'm always thinking about the past.

Thanks in advance,

Lyran

[whiterose]

I beat myself up when I'm not the ideal wife for my husband...I even have offered to divorce him so he can find true happiness. Which he says he is not going anywhere and I am perfect in my own way. Perhaps you should think about therapy...or relating your problems to someone else. Also...no one is perfect. If you think about another girl...it's okay. The line is when you cheat on your girlfriend physically I think. But I am old fashioned...some people have open relationships nowadays. Anyways...don't beat yourself up. I do but I stop myself and try to think of the small things I have done for my husband...how I am good for him. The past is the past...you learn from it and move on.

[Lyran]

Yeah, I've never wanted to cheat nor cheated on my girlfriend physically. But, it's this compulsion to disclose everything so I can be sure that everything is good or that she will think I'm worthy of her love still. She must know everything, all small and insignificant details of the past, before I can truly be certain she loves me. If that makes sense?

Thanks for your kind words. Has anyone experienced overcoming things like this? Living with uncertainty?

[Anne1221]

I really think you could benefit from seeing a therapist. If not, find a best friend to talk to. Then you could hear, "Man, this is no big deal. She wouldn't even care about this." And you could be reassured, without wearing her down with a constant need for reassurance. Sounds to me like she really cares about you. Enjoy it!

[whiterose]

I wish I could say I have overcome the insecurity but it has gotten better in the last 2 years. My therapist becomes my sounding block in a way...insecurities and feelings I have I tell her...not my husband. Seriously though...your partner sounds like an amazing person. Maybe if you find the root cause of your insecurity? Like why do you ask her? A therapist will help you that too. Good luck!

[Lyran]

I came to some nice conclusions:

a) My girlfriend and I trust each other completely, even to hang out with ex-partners and have fun.
b) Some jealously is common, natural, and usually harmless. It's not my fault that she gets jealous or vice-versa. As long as it doesn't become large-scale jealousy.
c) For example, even though I totally trust my girlfriend to go to salsa dancing without me, nonetheless, it would probably make me feel jealous even if I saw her doing it. Still, she would be doing nothing wrong and our relationship would be unharmed - the jealousy would pass and things would go on as normal.
d) Therefore, I should not feel guilty about doing things, unintentionally, that she would potentially feel jealous about, nor feel the need to confess every detail of my life. But, obviously, I should be sensitive when I can be to that fact.

Not that my girlfriend does become jealous easily or in a serious way, but I've done harmless things that would have the potential to make her slightly jealous, generally these are the things that I tend to keep to myself and wonder if I should share.