I am Driving Myself Crazy

[sae]

Today I drove home 4 times to check my front door, to make sure it was locked. I was waiting in a hospital waiting room while a friend of mine was having day surgery and the thoughts that I had left the door unlocked, or even worse, left it wide open gnawed at me.
Just a week out of the hospital I started taking a tax prep clas. It's only two days a week a couple hours at a time, but to me it's agony. I can't focus around other people at all. I have to take the books home, the lessons and class work and re-study them. It's as though my classmates' eyes are burning holes into me, watching my every move.
I spend so much time fighting the urge to run out that I can't follow what is being said. Match this up with the occasional need to dash to the restroom. Nervous stomach with medication induced nausea is an all around bad deal.
This is not in the realm of personal challenge, but necessity. I HAVE to work, I have to pay into some form of health insurance. Out of pocket my medical costs are officially eating me alive.
What I really want to do is just stop, lie still for just a little while, be able to take in a real breath, without pain. I want to hear complete silence, without buzzing thoughts. No dizzy spells, no chills, no vomiting. I want to live. At the same time i am fighting with myself to take my meds. The last couple of days I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it anymore. I become consumed with "Why bother".

And then there is teenager drama. I am not going into details here, just that I am starting to wonder if I live in a pasture because the bullshit is getting deep.

I have to be a functional member of society. I don't have a choice in the matter. FAking it til I make it is starting to not work anymore.

[Anne1221]

Well, one thing you could possible do is get some help. Don't try to do it all alone. It's worth it to seek out a good psychologist or psychiatrist to give you help and support you need.

[NixonRulz]

Today I drove home 4 times to check my front door, to make sure it was locked. I was waiting in a hospital waiting room while a friend of mine was having day surgery and the thoughts that I had left the door unlocked, or even worse, left it wide open gnawed at me.
Just a week out of the hospital I started taking a tax prep clas. It's only two days a week a couple hours at a time, but to me it's agony. I can't focus around other people at all. I have to take the books home, the lessons and class work and re-study them. It's as though my classmates' eyes are burning holes into me, watching my every move.
I spend so much time fighting the urge to run out that I can't follow what is being said. Match this up with the occasional need to dash to the restroom. Nervous stomach with medication induced nausea is an all around bad deal.
This is not in the realm of personal challenge, but necessity. I HAVE to work, I have to pay into some form of health insurance. Out of pocket my medical costs are officially eating me alive.
What I really want to do is just stop, lie still for just a little while, be able to take in a real breath, without pain. I want to hear complete silence, without buzzing thoughts. No dizzy spells, no chills, no vomiting. I want to live. At the same time i am fighting with myself to take my meds. The last couple of days I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it anymore. I become consumed with "Why bother".

And then there is teenager drama. I am not going into details here, just that I am starting to wonder if I live in a pasture because the bullshit is getting deep.

I have to be a functional member of society. I don't have a choice in the matter. FAking it til I make it is starting to not work anymore.

What meds are you taking? That is a powerful case of OCD. Are you taking specific meds for the OCD or are you taking general anxiety meds?

[sae]

Help is proving difficult to come by at current. I have been denied assistance (again) by MHMR, it seems. My clinic doctor insists my behavior is simply that of someone that is" very careful (and being careful is never a bad thing)" .Today I was denied assistance by DARS simply because I have a serious lifelong ailment and apprently they don't help people with heart problems or cancer. That office recommended I take part time jobs and get on disability. All I wanted was help to see a cardiologist to clear me for work.
It's all very disheartening. I am on an anti anxiety med (venlafaxine) but I have to self monitor the dosing since the clinic doctor has no idea how to manage head drugs. Sliding scale counselling services around here are booked until February, and I living in a state that refused the medicaid expansion program.

In short, I have just enough medical care to keep from dying, but not enough to keep me healthy, or gainfully employed enough to have insurance.