Evilbob333
09-11-2008, 11:35 AM
This is going to be a full on rant but please. any support or conversation would be greatly appreciated.
Life hasn't been especially easy these past few months, please allow me a moment to explain how i got here.
I was always slightly more anxious as a child, had nightmares, liked to be around people and in places where i was comfortable, was a real homebird and quite the introvert. However please dont get the wrong impression, i was always well liked at school etc and had (still have) a large circle of friends, i dont have particularly low self esteem and am very aware of my own qualities. I had my first episode of anxiety after a long 'lads holiday' about five years ago. This abated maybe two months later after some rest and i was then anxiety free for 3 years when things came back with a vengeance. I worked my way through this as well using beta blockers, rest and a change in my cirumstances, the episode lasting maybe 9 months. The third episode, the one i'm currently battlling through' begun in April after stress at work and the resultant difficulty in sleeping brought anxiety back to bear on me. I have i think it fair to say been entirely consumed by it and am struggling with things. Things are up and down...i have good days where i think 'great i'm getting better' and bad days where i think 'Dammit, will this ever end?'.
I struggled on for a while, getting by as best i can, trying to keep things at bay. I was due to go on holiday with my fiancee midway through August but couldn't face it, not the flight, not being away from home, being unsure of myself. At this point i was suffering with severe derealisation and depersonalisation and genuinely thought i was losing my mind.
Anyway as a result my GP put me on antidepressants, i missed two weeks of work and my fiancee and i split up (thanks for the support!). Now this put me into a real spin...the ADs sent my anxiety racing heavenward and so i came off after 3 days and decided to go it solo. I've been trying to get back into work...my boss has been really supportive saying i can phase myself back into work. You know how it is, somedays you get up and want to go in and others you just cant face it. I genuinely want to go back to work, i like my job and the team i work with but my doctor said that he wants me to take another week off. What about that? i want to get back in and i know i'll have some real crappy days and other better ones. I just cant understand what my GP thinks is gonna be achieved by my taking another week off...i wont have moved on from where im at now much if at all in a week. It just feels that this anxiety has turned my life upside down...i feel like all my good hard work in my job is left for nothing, i am angry at my ex and worried about meeting someone new (not immediately, obviously) in the long run because of my anxiety.
I feel like im taking one step forward and two back and am trying to do all of that right things...sleeping well, eating well, exercising, relaxing, trying not to avoid social situations.
I'm still worrying that i'll lose my mind, that i'll see something thats not there, hurt someone i love, hurt myself etc... I know its all anxiety thoughts but when you're questioning reality its hard to 'prove' it to yourself...its almost like i've lost faith in my own judgement. I think that if i were to educate myself on what schizophrenia, etc really entailed then i could put my mind at rest, but i daren't even read it in case something sounds familiar and i think 'Thats me! AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGH'.
Basically, like everyone else here, i'm having a tough time and just want to get through this. I think losing my fiancee amongst everything else has made this especially tough...the one person who you expect to support you implicity and she couldn't hack it.
Maybe we should start an Anxiety dating club? Where we could meet up with each other and not go outside for fear of fainting!
Anyway, as said before please feel free to reply even if its just for a bit of banter
Cheers
Life hasn't been especially easy these past few months, please allow me a moment to explain how i got here.
I was always slightly more anxious as a child, had nightmares, liked to be around people and in places where i was comfortable, was a real homebird and quite the introvert. However please dont get the wrong impression, i was always well liked at school etc and had (still have) a large circle of friends, i dont have particularly low self esteem and am very aware of my own qualities. I had my first episode of anxiety after a long 'lads holiday' about five years ago. This abated maybe two months later after some rest and i was then anxiety free for 3 years when things came back with a vengeance. I worked my way through this as well using beta blockers, rest and a change in my cirumstances, the episode lasting maybe 9 months. The third episode, the one i'm currently battlling through' begun in April after stress at work and the resultant difficulty in sleeping brought anxiety back to bear on me. I have i think it fair to say been entirely consumed by it and am struggling with things. Things are up and down...i have good days where i think 'great i'm getting better' and bad days where i think 'Dammit, will this ever end?'.
I struggled on for a while, getting by as best i can, trying to keep things at bay. I was due to go on holiday with my fiancee midway through August but couldn't face it, not the flight, not being away from home, being unsure of myself. At this point i was suffering with severe derealisation and depersonalisation and genuinely thought i was losing my mind.
Anyway as a result my GP put me on antidepressants, i missed two weeks of work and my fiancee and i split up (thanks for the support!). Now this put me into a real spin...the ADs sent my anxiety racing heavenward and so i came off after 3 days and decided to go it solo. I've been trying to get back into work...my boss has been really supportive saying i can phase myself back into work. You know how it is, somedays you get up and want to go in and others you just cant face it. I genuinely want to go back to work, i like my job and the team i work with but my doctor said that he wants me to take another week off. What about that? i want to get back in and i know i'll have some real crappy days and other better ones. I just cant understand what my GP thinks is gonna be achieved by my taking another week off...i wont have moved on from where im at now much if at all in a week. It just feels that this anxiety has turned my life upside down...i feel like all my good hard work in my job is left for nothing, i am angry at my ex and worried about meeting someone new (not immediately, obviously) in the long run because of my anxiety.
I feel like im taking one step forward and two back and am trying to do all of that right things...sleeping well, eating well, exercising, relaxing, trying not to avoid social situations.
I'm still worrying that i'll lose my mind, that i'll see something thats not there, hurt someone i love, hurt myself etc... I know its all anxiety thoughts but when you're questioning reality its hard to 'prove' it to yourself...its almost like i've lost faith in my own judgement. I think that if i were to educate myself on what schizophrenia, etc really entailed then i could put my mind at rest, but i daren't even read it in case something sounds familiar and i think 'Thats me! AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGH'.
Basically, like everyone else here, i'm having a tough time and just want to get through this. I think losing my fiancee amongst everything else has made this especially tough...the one person who you expect to support you implicity and she couldn't hack it.
Maybe we should start an Anxiety dating club? Where we could meet up with each other and not go outside for fear of fainting!
Anyway, as said before please feel free to reply even if its just for a bit of banter
Cheers