Being deliberately exlcuded by colleagues :(

[Swamplady]

I am a very shy and insecure person who suffers from social anxiety since childhood. I am also trying to overcome it, I recently attended Communications skills training at work with 15 different people from the company (I knew only few).

The coach gave us a ball, asked us to stand in a circle and keep on passing it randomly to each other saying CATCH.

After 5 minutes coach said STOP. No one passed the ball to me... (Felt like high school all over again) :(.

The coach then said:

"Someone in this group never got passed the ball to. You all know what that is!"


And to my shock... EVERYONE in the room pointed finger at me...

Everyone, people who knew me and those who didn't. Coach looked pittyfully at me.


I didn't realise I was the only one who wasn't made a part of the game and I didn't realise everyone knew... I was so puzzled.

Standing there, being literally pointed out as someone not chosen to be part of a group, who everyone consciously knows was deliberately excluded. I felt tears in my eyes and my heart racing.

The coach paused looking at me. Everyone was still looking at me as if I was meant to say something.

So I just tried to smile without looking too shook. Then the coach must have noticed I am a little not well, came to me and said directly:

"You should make sure everyone is included. Excluding people is a type of bullying".

I felt my face turning bright red of humiliation and rejection, felt all past experiences like that rushing back to me like a wave :(. I quickly left the room with people still watching me in silence.

Why did that happen? Why did no one threw the ball to me? And how come everyone knew, they were aware and yet they continued to deliberately exclude me?

I have been very self aware due to the nature of the training, was trying to get eye contact, look friendly, stand open and straight and be prepared.

I have a bitch face, I was being pointed that out numerous times in my life and am very insecure about that. But I know I was smiling and tried to look friendly and welcoming.


I know it's just a very specific situation but it's a manifestation of real life situations that happen to me a lot.

Please help me. What do I do wrong :(? I am such a total loser :(.

[Ponder]

From reading once through, I would say don't blame yourself. I've been going over the whole fad of manifestations of late. I'm seeing such an approach used in a lot of self help books, including weight loss which I am currently into. The Motivational Ramping Up reminded me of a lot of speakers employed by various employment agencies to boost self esteem and promote wishful thinking. Usually I smile when coming across such irony, however I laugh out loud to think of just how blinded these bright lights really be. Of course my laughter is as much a barrier as those who preach the way they do.

Unfortunately this ability to summon up great visions of our better self and project bolts of never ending energy from our but is something not so easily achieved; nor is it ever sustainable for any length of time. It's the agenda that ruins what would otherwise be a very enlightening lesson. The value that's placed upon the outcome often exceeds the person being taught. It's a greed thing.

NOW - I find this hard to deal with and it leads to my cynical side. I acknowledge that. I must. Until I can overcome the depression, resentment and any number of other negative traits that I allow to fester in me, I will never be able to see past the fallibility of others. I'm clutching at straws here with such a revelation.

Others are always quick to tell someone else what it is that they need. I'm reading in between the lines simply because my extensive history with brainwashing and preaching allows me to see much of the same methods used with the promoting of such "products." These promotions speakers and their techniques are no different to products given the agenda to drive, performance, production, markets and money! Books and Websites are often ascribed to the same things ... it's the deception, certification and gloss and promises that win over people to live pumped up on wishful thinking.

Srry to ramble so much, but if anything out of that, please understand that you are not as broken as they would have you think. It not so much the concepts they present, but the agendas that often do more to damage than any kind of good. Even those that go away all fluffed up and make more $$$ find that such popularity and attraction is short lived.

I think to now go on about the testimonials, the projected of fear mongering ("You too scared to change!") - and on and on. However - I am coming to see some just how powerful I already as I make an effort to read between the lines. I've always been visual and very intuitive. In many ways, I would say the extensive abuse that I have overcome is less of a barrier in having to live in a world that sells so much shit.

I'll encourage you with this → Those of us that walk away from such facades, later come to be better positioned. Not through the striving as they would sell it, but simply through having endured the experience. You will come to have a unique perspective that sees way further than any would be pumped up TED TALK presenter. You will come to appreciate the most of insignificant things, yet the power you find in that will not only be exceedingly radiant; it will come with way less - Ups & Downs.

Too many people are creating realities to escape what must be felt and in that process they quickly forget that despite their our well maintained bubbles; that we all exist in the same space. I'm working on this train of thought .... In the same way religion, scholars and politicians use text - so to do people who have something to "sell!" Those of us like yourself - who walk away, are much better than that.

[ozm8ey]

I know this sounds bad but you really need to toughen yourself up, join karate or boxing to gain confidence (I chose karate). They will continue to do this until the day you flip out, so what you should have done is said pass me the fucking ball dickheads or something like that. Don't ever let anyone stand over you, always stand your ground

[Anne1221]

You are not a loser. That was terrible the way the coach handled that situation, and to single you out was very wrong of him. But I don't think he did it deliberately to hurt you, but very bad call on is part. He could/should have made a simple statement like, "Guys and gals, let's don't forget to include everybody!" Don't let it get to you. In the long run, it won't matter.

[Ponder]

I know this sounds bad but you really need to toughen yourself up, join karate or boxing to gain confidence (I chose karate). They will continue to do this until the day you flip out, so what you should have done is said pass me the fucking ball dickheads or something like that. Don't ever let anyone stand over you, always stand your ground

Live by the sword, die by the sword. - Prep for assholes, and you will surely attract assholes. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/dogs/angry-dog-smiley-emoticon.gif

Far better to live as a princess rather than a dog on heat.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/hysterical-laughter-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

You did the right thing by walking out - in future when rejecting to participate, just be sure not to see it at as something wrong with yourself. Others will try hard to imply. Go with how you feel and above all take your own advice.

[The Intolerable Kid]

Coach sounds like a jerk to me. I think that playing ball is a poor analog for adult social interactions. What you described seems less like a communication skill seminar and more like an intervention. Everyone standing in a circle pointing fingers? How is that helpful or constructive? My theory is that coach enjoys his power trip and that's why he bullies people this way. Nothing wrong with you, it's him.

[anpene]

These situations happen, and people usually don't realize how much of an influence they have on you. And you know what? You're the one to determine that. Develop yourself and associate your self-worth with your own thoughts and accomplishments and not what others think or do to you.

[JenXO]

I know how you feel I am sorry your coach sounds like an asshat. Experiences like this just make us stronger. I doubt things will be like this forever trust me.

[Breez]

Standing there, being literally pointed out as someone not chosen to be part of a group, who everyone consciously knows was deliberately excluded. I felt tears in my eyes and my heart racing.

The coach paused looking at me. Everyone was still looking at me as if I was meant to say something.

So I just tried to smile without looking too shook. Then the coach must have noticed I am a little not well, came to me and said directly:

"You should make sure everyone is included. Excluding people is a type of bullying"........

.....Please help me. What do I do wrong :(? I am such a total loser :(.

I'm sorry to hear of your story. I was in a similar situation before because I was also very quiet. I totally understand your feelings. It must have been humiliating and isolating. But here's the thing, most people are not aware of their own actions and the effects they have on others. Especially for shy and sensitive people such as ourselves, we respond even more strongly to such negative situations.

Being nice and sweet is great but not always the case. Often time, socially anxious and shy people tend to become "doormat" for others. There are times when we need to stand up for ourselves and let them know how their actions hurt our feelings. I must say I always have a tough time with finding the middle ground between being friendly and being firm. But exposure to social situations such as these over the years has taught me to be stronger and less afraid to speak for myself. Sure, there'll be back slashes and even straight out exclusion, but that's when you know an environment is not good for you and it's time to move on. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and it's those little things in life that lead us to a new and better chapter. Perhaps, this incident happened so that you could have an opportunity to break out of your shell and share yourself. While the incident is still fresh, you could try email/contact the coach and share your experience. If the coach is well-intentioned like everybody said, he/she will help you figure it out. Try that first and see how it works out.

Best wishes.