whattodo1
10-11-2015, 08:28 AM
Hi everyone. So I've been dealing with this for a while and finally need to get some advice because it's starting to really eat me up.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. We fell in love very quickly into the relationship and everything just felt so right in the beginning. Hes treated me better than any guy by far, and I know he would never intentionally hurt me. He constantly is telling me how I'm the person who makes him the happiest and how I'm everything to him, and how he wants to spend his life with me. He gives me so much happiness and I always feel so connected to him and I really do love him and can see myself marrying him one day. However...
He has bad social anxiety. It definitely has to do with the way his parents raised him (they were very controlling and wouldn't let him explore everything he wanted to, for example he's a musician and wanted to play basketball when he was younger but his parents said it was music or sports, not both, also there were a lot of times he was told he "couldnt do something because of the way he is". He also was taught that if he didn't know what people were talking about, to stay quiet. Needless to say, it messed with him big time.
He's never socially anxious around me, (however he has had anxiety attacks where he was afraid to lose me even though nothing happened, in fact they tend to happen after happy times such as vacation) or his friends, but he is extremely around my father, stepmother and her kids. He also is around strangers in public, he's doing better now but at first it was very difficult for him to ask for directions, for the bill at dinner, if someone on a walking trail said something such as "have a good walk" he would kind of mumble a nervous "thank you". Also with my friends a bit but not to such a high level. It makes him seem very socially awkward to them and since he's been around them enough now, it makes the room uncomfortable. To the point where my dad one day asked me if he had Asperger's. He wasn't judging him, he was just asking. My dad has said multiple times to me that the most important thing is if I'm happy. If I'm happy, he accepts him. But the thing is it's very hard for me to bring my boyfriend around them because when I do, I get nervous on how he will be. Normally, he's very quiet and the only time he's truly engaged in the conversation is if it relates to music. Otherwise he kind of sits there checked out and when he does talk, he does these little nervous fidgets. We recently went to dinner with all of them and he did try to talk a lot more but it kind of seemed...forced. He is much more comfortable around my mother, granted he sees her more, but it's to the point where he should be more comfortable around my dad.
I'm a big family person so naturally this is getting to me. The man I marry needs to be able to be comfortable and fit in with my family. I don't want to spend my life worrying about bringing my significant other around them. It's gotten so bad that I've cried over it, because I get scared that I'm going to have to spend my life worrying about him and if he can handle the day to day conversations and engagement of a life so he can keep a job, be a father, etc. Also because it's frustrating that he is still so anxious around my family. It got so bad a few weeks ago that I had to leave the house and call my best friend bawling.
Now, he has been seeing a therapist and in little ways it seems to be helping. He doesn't want to take medication and the therapist didnt seem to agree with him taking it either (said it's not a hormonal imbalance) and it's only been a few months that he's been going so it's not like I expect instant miracles, but I'm kind of worried it will never get better. It's really hard for me because I do love him and don't want to end things but if it were to continue I may have to, just because of the way it affects me.
Advice? I'm really at a crossroads here...
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. We fell in love very quickly into the relationship and everything just felt so right in the beginning. Hes treated me better than any guy by far, and I know he would never intentionally hurt me. He constantly is telling me how I'm the person who makes him the happiest and how I'm everything to him, and how he wants to spend his life with me. He gives me so much happiness and I always feel so connected to him and I really do love him and can see myself marrying him one day. However...
He has bad social anxiety. It definitely has to do with the way his parents raised him (they were very controlling and wouldn't let him explore everything he wanted to, for example he's a musician and wanted to play basketball when he was younger but his parents said it was music or sports, not both, also there were a lot of times he was told he "couldnt do something because of the way he is". He also was taught that if he didn't know what people were talking about, to stay quiet. Needless to say, it messed with him big time.
He's never socially anxious around me, (however he has had anxiety attacks where he was afraid to lose me even though nothing happened, in fact they tend to happen after happy times such as vacation) or his friends, but he is extremely around my father, stepmother and her kids. He also is around strangers in public, he's doing better now but at first it was very difficult for him to ask for directions, for the bill at dinner, if someone on a walking trail said something such as "have a good walk" he would kind of mumble a nervous "thank you". Also with my friends a bit but not to such a high level. It makes him seem very socially awkward to them and since he's been around them enough now, it makes the room uncomfortable. To the point where my dad one day asked me if he had Asperger's. He wasn't judging him, he was just asking. My dad has said multiple times to me that the most important thing is if I'm happy. If I'm happy, he accepts him. But the thing is it's very hard for me to bring my boyfriend around them because when I do, I get nervous on how he will be. Normally, he's very quiet and the only time he's truly engaged in the conversation is if it relates to music. Otherwise he kind of sits there checked out and when he does talk, he does these little nervous fidgets. We recently went to dinner with all of them and he did try to talk a lot more but it kind of seemed...forced. He is much more comfortable around my mother, granted he sees her more, but it's to the point where he should be more comfortable around my dad.
I'm a big family person so naturally this is getting to me. The man I marry needs to be able to be comfortable and fit in with my family. I don't want to spend my life worrying about bringing my significant other around them. It's gotten so bad that I've cried over it, because I get scared that I'm going to have to spend my life worrying about him and if he can handle the day to day conversations and engagement of a life so he can keep a job, be a father, etc. Also because it's frustrating that he is still so anxious around my family. It got so bad a few weeks ago that I had to leave the house and call my best friend bawling.
Now, he has been seeing a therapist and in little ways it seems to be helping. He doesn't want to take medication and the therapist didnt seem to agree with him taking it either (said it's not a hormonal imbalance) and it's only been a few months that he's been going so it's not like I expect instant miracles, but I'm kind of worried it will never get better. It's really hard for me because I do love him and don't want to end things but if it were to continue I may have to, just because of the way it affects me.
Advice? I'm really at a crossroads here...