Failing at jobs

[Strangertohimself]

Hello. I have failed at all of the jobs I have held for the last 8 years. All of these jobs have been governmental positions, and luckily I was never fired from any of them, I just had to leave.

My first job lasted 5 years, and I was good at it for a long time.. but then I got lazy. There were breaks that would last upward of 6 months in work (contracts) due to a lack of budgeting. once you go 6 months without any work, you get used to it.. then someone slaps work on your desk and you have no idea how to proceed. Happened to me :-(. I left that job after not being able to live up to the standards they required.

I went to another job, much busier, production like work. I did very well here for around 5 months, until the manager came in and started really hammering on me. I did everything correctly, but she would just keep poking and prodding and combing until one day, I missed a signature on a document. It was all over, she started calling me names, telling me to find another job.. she did this to everyone by the way, not just me.. she was just a horrible person, but nevertheless.. I stopped performing up to standard, and I left.

I worked my 3rd job for 5 months, fearing that one day my boss was going to come up and call me names like the last one did.. and I was always on edge because of it.. always asking my boss if I was doing a good job, and in turn annoying the you know what out of him. This position required travel, which I thought I was fine with, but soon found out that I wasn't. I had panic attacks every time.. fear of having another led me to resignation.

5 months off.. it was nice.. didn't do anything and it was nice. Had to get a job though, wife was on me about it, and the money was running out.. so I got this new job.. so let me say, best job yet.. Here's why..

Nicest manager I have ever worked for. Guy close to my age, super cool, down to earth, friendly, but expects you to get the job done. His boss, awesome lady, super sweet, caring, and smart. Good organization! Small department of under 150 people.. everyone knows everyone.. this is the spot that you just don't find when working for the state.. I did my best, but I fell down. I got depressed a couple months ago.. fell down on my work for about a week.. misplaced things, didn't do things I should have.. messed up.. and now its come back to bite me. I have until April to find a new job as my limited tenure will run out here.

Sorry, TL;DR.. point is, I am really scared of messing up in my next job. I feel like I am lazy, I feel immature, I feel too stupid to do governmental work (that's REALLY stupid), and I am just not seeing an upside, beside money of course. I just feel like I will fail over an over again, and it scares me.

Anyone have anything similar? Any pointers? Thanks for reading.

[snowberry]

So you had a bad week and now they're telling you to find something else? I dunno, OP, that doesn't sound right to me, unless you're leaving something big out - did you make a major mistake during that week that altered the company's future forever? Because if it was just one or two things here and there during a bad week, it seems odd that that's enough for them to decide not to keep you on after April. I'm thinking it's either one of two things: you've slipped up more than just that one time, or you're assuming that your bad week is the reason you're not being kept on. If it's the latter, it might be something you can fix.

And speaking of things that can be fixed - your job history isn't one of those things, so don't dwell on it. You can't fix it, but perhaps you can learn from it.

When I look over your post, what stands out to me is that you walked away. More than once. You say you 'had to leave' several times, but were you told specifically to find something else or is it just what you decided had to be? Were you missing your job's standards, or your own? Because as you say, you've not been fired, you simply 'had to leave' due to slipping standards, but I'm confused as to whether or not your employers explicitly/implicitly asked you to find new work or if this is just something you've done to yourself. If it's the former, you must try and figure out what, exactly, was the turning point from good worker to one-foot-out-the-door - is it motivation? Lack of confidence? Could you have been more pro-active at times? Or perhaps you're simply not performing to your own standards and felt like you had to leave? Self-sabotage is common in people with low confidence, and if this is the case then you need to address it, maybe with a therapist. Either way, don't beat yourself up over it any more. It's in the past, and you need to start being kinder to yourself by looking to the present. As for the depression and anxiety, I hope you're working on them either with a therapist or a doctor (or both).

So now for the present. If you really do like this job, I strongly suggest you talk to someone, like a supervisor or department head, and ask if there's anything you can do to make them change their mind. If it really was one blip on an otherwise great work record, they should be reasonable enough to listen to your case. Find evidence of work you've done well, and push your skills. Tell them specifically what you enjoy about working for them - don't leave them with the impression that it's about avoiding unemployment, tell them how much you enjoy working for them. Ask if there's anything you can improve on. If they still say you have to go, thank them for their time and ask if there's any advice they can give you for your next position, and listen to what they say. Remember it's about learning from mistakes, not beating yourself up over them. Make the decision to do your best at the job until you find something else, not just for their sake, but because you know you're a good employee and you owe it to yourself to fight the part of you that's trying to bring you down.

Good luck, OP. You can do it!