krazykikikat
09-28-2015, 04:58 PM
I've been going through a rough time with depression lately, and it's not helped by the fact that our car is totaled and I now have to work 10.5 hour days plus 3 hours of bus time.
My boyfriend of almost 5 years is not being very supportive, but I don't think he realizes it. He thinks I'm complaining too much, and blaming him for things, when all I really want is a kind word, a "how are you doing", anything.
I'm at work today and he's off - we run a dry cleaning shop together. That is, we're the only employees at this location, and we more or less get to make our own schedule, but it revolves around what days he's needed at other stores. He called earlier to tell me he needed to work 7-7 at another store tomorrow and Wednesday. Three of these 14 hour days in a row is hard enough for me, but then he says he'll want me to do it on Thursday as well, so he can have the day off after two late days. To be fair, my hours are 8-6:30 while he's doing 7-7. But that leaves me doing it four days in a row, and him only two. And when he told me, I said "fine", but he didn't hear me. He asked if I was there, I said "Yeah. I said fine. Just not looking forward to it." And he just breaks out in this tirade:
"If it's so horrible why don't you just quit your job?"
"Because I can't, and I'm trying to tough it out..."
"Then stop blaming me--"
"I'm not blaming you--"
"Well stop treating me like shit just because--"
"I didn't say anything against you, all I said was--"
And then he interrupted again so I hung up.
The really unfair part is he's always telling me not to read subtext into what he says. So how can he say I'm blaming him, when I said exactly what I mean: that I'm not looking forward to it?
We've had this kind of argument before. Our minds work very differently, and he's never had to deal with mental illness, at least not in himself. He grew up with an alcoholic mom, so maybe my problems just make him resent me. I don't know.
The other day I tried to tell him that I don't want him to give me advice, or fix anything, just be supportive. And he said I need to tell him exactly what I need. If I'm feeling down I need to call him, not expect him to respond to a text conversation. But obviously, since this is how he responds when I express negative feelings, I feel like he'd be mad if I called him just to tell him I'm depressed. I even told him as much, and he told me it was in my head, that he can't be expected to just know when I'm feeling like crap, and I can't let my preconceptions stop me from asking for what I need. But then he just does it again.
What I really want to tell him is that these days, all it takes is for him to hang up the phone without saying "I love you" for me to start crying. But of course he'd see that as an accusation. Or a ploy for sympathy. I don't think he's ever had depression, and if he did he's the type who believes in suffering in silence. He acts like he doesn't expect me to do the same, but when I break my silence things just get worse.
I know I complain a lot more than him. He's good at just enduring things. But when I keep quiet, I just spiral deeper into depression, and feel so alone. Though these days I can't decide if I'll feel more alone if I don't say anything, or if I say something and he responds with hostility.
I've even tried writing my thoughts down so they come out in the right order, and more rationally, and telling him about them later. When I do this he almost never has anything to say. I'm never sure if he gets it, or just thinks I'm an idiot for thinking that would work.
I feel so alone, and I need to stop crying at work. I'm the only one at the shop, so I can't hide in the bathroom and let someone else help a customer. And if one of the nicer ones notices my eyes look red and ask if I'm alright, I will totally break down.
What else can I do?
My boyfriend of almost 5 years is not being very supportive, but I don't think he realizes it. He thinks I'm complaining too much, and blaming him for things, when all I really want is a kind word, a "how are you doing", anything.
I'm at work today and he's off - we run a dry cleaning shop together. That is, we're the only employees at this location, and we more or less get to make our own schedule, but it revolves around what days he's needed at other stores. He called earlier to tell me he needed to work 7-7 at another store tomorrow and Wednesday. Three of these 14 hour days in a row is hard enough for me, but then he says he'll want me to do it on Thursday as well, so he can have the day off after two late days. To be fair, my hours are 8-6:30 while he's doing 7-7. But that leaves me doing it four days in a row, and him only two. And when he told me, I said "fine", but he didn't hear me. He asked if I was there, I said "Yeah. I said fine. Just not looking forward to it." And he just breaks out in this tirade:
"If it's so horrible why don't you just quit your job?"
"Because I can't, and I'm trying to tough it out..."
"Then stop blaming me--"
"I'm not blaming you--"
"Well stop treating me like shit just because--"
"I didn't say anything against you, all I said was--"
And then he interrupted again so I hung up.
The really unfair part is he's always telling me not to read subtext into what he says. So how can he say I'm blaming him, when I said exactly what I mean: that I'm not looking forward to it?
We've had this kind of argument before. Our minds work very differently, and he's never had to deal with mental illness, at least not in himself. He grew up with an alcoholic mom, so maybe my problems just make him resent me. I don't know.
The other day I tried to tell him that I don't want him to give me advice, or fix anything, just be supportive. And he said I need to tell him exactly what I need. If I'm feeling down I need to call him, not expect him to respond to a text conversation. But obviously, since this is how he responds when I express negative feelings, I feel like he'd be mad if I called him just to tell him I'm depressed. I even told him as much, and he told me it was in my head, that he can't be expected to just know when I'm feeling like crap, and I can't let my preconceptions stop me from asking for what I need. But then he just does it again.
What I really want to tell him is that these days, all it takes is for him to hang up the phone without saying "I love you" for me to start crying. But of course he'd see that as an accusation. Or a ploy for sympathy. I don't think he's ever had depression, and if he did he's the type who believes in suffering in silence. He acts like he doesn't expect me to do the same, but when I break my silence things just get worse.
I know I complain a lot more than him. He's good at just enduring things. But when I keep quiet, I just spiral deeper into depression, and feel so alone. Though these days I can't decide if I'll feel more alone if I don't say anything, or if I say something and he responds with hostility.
I've even tried writing my thoughts down so they come out in the right order, and more rationally, and telling him about them later. When I do this he almost never has anything to say. I'm never sure if he gets it, or just thinks I'm an idiot for thinking that would work.
I feel so alone, and I need to stop crying at work. I'm the only one at the shop, so I can't hide in the bathroom and let someone else help a customer. And if one of the nicer ones notices my eyes look red and ask if I'm alright, I will totally break down.
What else can I do?