The psychiatrist that never was

[Joiningyou]

BSc (Homours) Psychology, BMBS Medicine, Mental Health Psychiatry ..

If I wasn't a depressed wreck of a 21 year old in a frail, weak little shell, then maybe I would have been way on the road to becoming the man I should have been, on the other side of the desk.

As an adolescent, all I ever wanted to be was a psychiatrist. I found people with so-called mental health 'issues' to be so fascinating .. I never thought the were necessarily 'sick', but that society was for not actively playing a part in their acceptance and integrating into the day-to-day. I wanted to apply my beliefs of genuine acceptance and care and one day do something great .. save a life, help a woman with an eating disorder realise that she is gorgeous regardless of what anybody says .. well, you get the gist.

I was bullied out of school at 15. Still gained some qualifications, no way enough to go to university. It would all be okay, I'd work up and make my dream a reality, but there was a problem. Since the age of about 7/8, I'd been suffering with horrific depression, social anxiety disorder and panic disorder. Frankly, like many other people, I'm surprised by things I've done - worked in special needs schools, been a supervisor, delivered education .. but always suffering.

I've spent the day as a recluse, having not left the house .. just reading about psychiatry. All I wanted to do was help people who were being misunderstood .. to let them be seen as the strong people they are, not the weak people who fail like me. It probably sounds silly, I have had a lot else go on to cause my depression, social anxiety and panic disorder .. but the realisation I've failed to ever be in that position I NEEDED to be in .. my life's purpose was always to help people.

There's no point in just plodding from day to day like I do. Nothing great has not will be done. A ridiculously skinny 21 year old with confidence issues of an unimaginable magnitude who can't do anything and, I'm not being sorry for myself, I'm months into self reflection, is of no use to this world .. I'm trying to find purpose basically. I can feel myself beginning to crack under the weight of my existential pointlessness ..

[JohnC]

Hi Joiningyou, your 21 years old and just starting your life. You still have time to do the things that you speak of and You do not need to be a psychologist to help people. You can volunteer and work your way up from their. It can give your life the confidence and meaning that you feel is lacking. Good luck. Peace

[krazykikikat]

Have you thought of writing?
I'm the same as you, I always wanted to be a counselor, I couldn't think of anything more meaningful to do with my life. Before I even reached adulthood though, I realized that I may not be stable enough to be someone else's support. At least, not a bunch of people I don't really know.
Then I realized, there's lots of ways to show people they're not alone. Haven't you ever read a book and at the end, felt both sad and elated? I decided that was what I wanted to write. The kind of book that leaves you feeling like you just acquired some mystical wisdom, that inspires you.
But even that may be more than I can do, I'm starting to realize. I've set my sights on editing instead; at least I can help an author who might be able to do what I can't.

My point is, there's a lot of ways to make your life meaningful. Everything from posting on forums like this to help people, to doing a menial job that allows a professional to do theirs.
I know it's hard to remember though. I'm going through a rough patch myself where most days it feels like there's no point to anything. I've just been through this enough times to know that eventually, I'll feel better. Probably. So I just avoid thinking about how pointless my life is, and try to keep up with the goals I had before I stopped caring. I go to work, come home, go to bed... just keep going through the motions, and eventually they'll mean something again.
That's all the advice I can give..