Anxiety about relationships..anyone feel the same?

[AnxiousAngieAlways]

Hello all. This is my first post!

I’ve been struggling with some relationship induced anxiety and wondering if anyone has felt the same.

About 5 years ago when I was in a long-term relationship in college I started having some doubts about the relationship after dating for a few years. It was the major start of my anxiety. I was constantly worrying, having chest pain, and a panic attack (While I was visiting London…damn you anxiety! Your timing is the WORST!). This lasted for a very long summer and then the following semester I started going to therapy on and off. I stayed in that relationship a little longer and eventually ended it.

A few years later I’ve been having the same problem with love interests. I initially like them and then I have a reflection time where I think how I feel about them. I have a thought where I don’t like them and then it spirals out of control. I feel panicked about not liking them and get scared about being in the wrong relationship, having to break up with them, and being stuck in a relationship where I don’t love the person. It makes me feel really depressed because I feel like a bad person who can’t love and I worry about hurting the other person. I also feel really out of control of my emotions. Like a flip goes from the “like on” button and the “like off” button.

Since I’m still struggling to understand if these are my real feelings or a part of my anxiety I don’t tell many people about these feelings. It’s hard to explain that sometimes I can’t separate my anxiety fears from my actual feelings to others.

I’m also afraid to speak about this because I feel like people are really quick to judge with relationships and very quick to pass a decision on whether it’s right or wrong for you. This actually gives me MORE relationship anxiety because I feel like I can’t follow the “right” relationship path of liking, loving, and being together forever and happy (ok, I know it doesn’t work like that but still…). I just feel like a freak and I feel all this pressure to feel a certain way towards a person that I feel like I can’t live up to.

It’s driving me nuts! Especially since I feel like I can’t vent to anyone because I have anxiety about his or her judgments. I hate to admit this but relationships are probably my biggest anxiety inducer. I’m struggling in this cycle of self doubt and I feel like it’s preventing me from being happy with myself (let alone being happy with someone else).

Does anyone else feel like this? Or have any tips or suggestions? Any help would be appreciated! –Angie

[jaimelynn]

Hi Angie,

I am new here myself, and I may not have a ton of good advice for how to overcome this but I wanted to reply to let you know that I know EXACTLY how you are feeling!!! I had like 5 boyfriends (all whom in the beginning I thought were going to be "serious" relationships) in college...and with each of them, one day I just decided I didn't like them or it wasn't right or I started liking someone else. The shortest happened after about 5 months and the longest was just over 1 year, so I can't necessarily relate to a 5 year relationship, but with all of them the feelings were deep, family was involved, I told them I loved them, etc. As I said, this may not be a good answer but in hindsight I think it came down to they just weren't the one for me! It was my heart and mind telling me that I shouldn't be with this person and it seemed cruel and hard at the time but I kept breaking up with everyone UNTIL I found my current boyfriend. We have been together for 2 & 1/2 years and live together and never once have I second-guessed. I feel that you just haven't found the correct man yet. And as much as it seems like an up and down roller coaster and a problem with yourself, you have to keep taking chances until you find someone who DOESN'T give you those second-guessing feelings. I wanted to add that my current boyfriend was a long-time friend of mine through college and it took a HUGE surge of confidence from me to even date him because I thought "it's just gonna end up like my other relationships, I'm going to quit liking him and move on". But if I hadn't taken this chance I wouldn't be in the position I am today. And if it had ended up like the others, then Oh Well....I would have just moved on until I found the right one! And those feelings have not come back at all, they haven't been a problem w/ this one and I think it's just because we are so compatible and I am so happy!!!!

I think keeping a positive attitude about yourself is important and instead of seeing it as "I ruin everything good in my life" you need to see it as "I am the most important thing in my life, I only have 1 life, and I am just taking a little longer than usual to find the one who will make me completely happy and head over heels, and that is OK". I would spend the time you are single bettering yourself, learning new things, concentrating on hobbies, and developing yourself physically, spiritually, or mentally so that you'll have more things to talk about with new guys and will be more comfortable with yourself with every new guy you meet!

I really do wish you luck with this stressful situation.

-Jaime