Trying to move on but my mom wont let things go!

[OverItAll]

So long story short, I was with a guy for almost 5 years, split up with him in February 2013 because he just made me feel awful about myself and made my anxiety so much worse. I was stuck living with him from that point until July when I moved back in with my parents. I have since met someone and have a new relationship with a man who has been helping me a lot with my anxiety issues. My mom, dad, my whole family likes him a lot.

But there is a problem. My mom still wants to keep contact with my ex and still does. She recently got a new phone and some how his number got deleted. She is convinced that I did it, and I honestly don't even know how Windows phones work. I didn't touch it let alone even know she still had it. She doesn't believe me and keeps bringing it up. I am so frustrated and mad right now I can't even think straight and I feel like I am going to have a panic attack over it. Why does she still have his number? why are they still even talking? Why does she not believe me!?

Even after telling her all the mean things he did to me... Even threatening rape... She still "loves" him. I am trying to move on with my life and forget about him and that time in my life. I started dating him and soon after began having panic attacks. He was a liar and I never trusted him. My current guy, who is my FIANCE is not comfortable with what she is doing and neither am I. I feel like she is causing issues in his head and that isn't right. I just want to cry right now because she wont believe me with anything. She still takes him over me to this day.

She is friends with his mom and I am okay with that because his mom is a sweet person and a good friend for her but being "friends" with him, MY EX is crossing the line. No matter what I say or do she doesn't care and keeps talking to him and now that the number some how went missing, it is my fault! I don't even look in her contacts or touch her phone unless she needs help with an app. I don't want my fiance thinking I am doing something behind his back or that my mom secretly hopes we don't work out because of what she is doing. I am sitting here crying because of this. I don't know what to do. I am tempted to e mail his mom and tell her that she needs to draw the line. I don't have her number or tell her things or ask her about my ex. I say hi and keep casual conversation when I see her. She don't even know I am engaged. My mom don't want her to know. This isn't fair to me. I have to keep reliving when my panic attacks started, all the lies, the cheating, the threats... He even threatened to take my life and his. I hate having to keep thinking about this crap. I am engaged and happy and I don't want something as stupid as this to ruin my current relationship.

What am I suppose to do in this situation? I don't want to be mean to my mom but how the heck am I suppose to get the point across that it isn't right to be friends with my ex, specially after the crap he did to me? How am I suppose to make her believe me and trust me enough to know I didn't take the number out of her phone? It is like I feel as if what I say is meaningless to her.

[snowberry]

I might be wrong, but is this guy something of a charmer upfront? Unfortunately some people are very susceptible to being charmed by assholes and psychos, and your mom might be one of them. The fact that she either doesn't believe or doesn't care that he hurt and threatened you is worrying. Has she always been like this, i.e, dismissive of you and your feelings? If so, it might be better to just move on with your new life without her. As hard and drastic as that sounds, sometimes people need to be cut off if they're poisoning our lives, including family members. Including mothers.

If this behaviour of hers is out of character, I'd suggesting writing to her. Seeing something down on paper can make more of an impression than talking or e-mail, because it takes more effort. I'd say something like this:

"When you stay in contact with him, it hurts me very much, because that man hurt me, and threatened to hurt me even worse. I've told you that, and it deeply upsets me that you don't seem to care. I did NOT delete his number from your phone, because - as much as I hate you talking to him - you have the right to speak to him. But I also have the right to distance myself from something that is causing me pain, and as long as you are in contact with that guy then I cannot be around you. It's up to you to decide who matters to you more - him or me. If you're ready to let him go, come talk to me."

Now, she may not believe you about the number thing. That's something you may have to accept. But if you send her a letter saying all of the above then you know you've done your best to tell her how you feel, and the ball is in her court. If she still won't give this guy up, then you know where you stand and can move on with your life without her. Good luck!

[Blondie517]

Thats a tough situation, I probably would have told my mom off on numerous occasions by now, lol. Don't take that to be advice, I can feel your frustration through the computer and sympathize. Maybe try telling her your fiance doesn't like it and finds it very disrespectful? Would she listen better if it were to come from someone else?