Anxiety and Anger? I need Help.

[cloudysunshine]

I was diagnosed when I was 16. I was on and off medications from 16 until just after my 22nd birthday; six years of mood altering drugs in my body. I stopped taking my anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, and anti-depressant medications in January 2015, because I didn’t like the way they were making my body and brain feel. About six months after I stopped the medications, I started having psychotic and manic-depressive episodes; I was suddenly contemplating suicide and feeling out of control. These feelings overwhelmed me, and I started lashing out against the people who love me the most, including my boyfriend. He isn’t the reason for my anger, but he is someone near me, and I take advantage of him. When I have an anxiety attack, he isn’t always accessible; he doesn’t have a cell phone, so we communicate solely on Facebook. When he isn’t on when I legitimately need him, I start to panic more. I then lash out, because apparently my coping mechanism is anger, and I treat him poorly. I don’t want to continue treating him this way, because he truly doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. I don’t know what to do anymore, though; I’ve tried breathing exercises and other anger management techniques to control my outbursts, but I haven’t noticed whether or not they’re effective. I absolutely do not want to go back on medication; not only can I not afford it, but I have tried every medication under the sun, and I don’t like the way they make me feel.

Has anyone had anything similar happen to them? My anxiety is generally under control, it just gets really bad when something happens and I need to get hold of him and he's not there. I'm at a loss, and I need to fix this...now.

Any constructive help is appreciated. Thanks.

[NixonRulz]

[QUOTE=Has anyone had anything similar happen to them? My anxiety is generally under control, it just gets really bad when something happens and I need to get hold of him and he's not there.[/QUOTE]

Two things jump out at me just with this sentence.

It seems like you believe your boyfriend is your "safe place". That is really common that a place or person is what makes you feel better. But you also have to understand that the reason you believe that is because you decided he was the person that made you calm down. Just as certain things can get you anxious because you decided willfully or not, that those things were going to cause the anxiety. Just goes to show how much our minds and decisions are really at the heart of how we feel

You are no different than most others here that get worse when unforeseen stress is added into your life. One of the whole basis of anxiety is the inability to control what is in your life and how each event is supposed to play out. Lose the ability of control and our anxiety can spike.