socarp
09-09-2015, 12:20 PM
Hey Guys,
This is a pretty long story. hope you can read it.
Not sure what my case might be - but is has so far haunting me throughout my whole life. Im talking about anxiety, re-occurring in various shapes and forms. If its periods of melancholia , low anxiety, or just my introversion – im not sure. Been having this anxious feeling since my early teens.
And the anxiety can strike at any time. Sometimes with no reason, I feel like a stone, being pulled back from reality, not being in my own state, not in the present. Floating away on random thoughts from past with no connection to present situation.
Looking back on this anxious feeling, it could have been shaped by the lack of intimacy and relationships. When I was 15 I were fantasizing about getting a girlfriend. Every time I was supposed to meet a girl, I got so nervous I just couldn’t go on the date. Same thing happened with meeting new people, even old friends or cousins, anxious feelings took a grip of me.
I have always had 1-2 real close friends troughout my life. That’s how I prefer it. I have always been comfortable with my own company without feeling the need to socialize. Its just the feeling of feeling anxious with new people in new situations that has stopped my potential growth – especially relationships.
Briefly about my childhood:
My father died at an early age and my mother raised me up together with my younger sister. Mother was overprotective and anxious “don’t do this, don’t do that” ,
I had friends but hated school due to being around other people. I was shy and quiet, connected with a few.
I was stubborn as a child and did not like when other people looked at me. Not even my family members. I always become angry and shouted “don’t look at me”. Relationship with my younger sister was bad. I teased her and did not allow her to stand in the center of attention. Everytime she got attention I hit her , even if she was happier than me or smiled. I got angry. Basically she never was allowed to get freedom or space. It was all about me me and what I think.
One side note: altough I love animals today – I remember I afflicted animals, such as chickens and hedgehogs when I was a kid.
Briefly about my teens:
During my early teens I got diabetes, and my periods of melancholia started to appear more. I was mostly staying at home and found hobbies which I was passionately devoted to. During high school friends started to get girlfriends, and I felt hopelessly feeling alone and craving for love, romance and intimacy. Due to lack of this I got even more shut up in my own shell.
Periods of internet chatting has alwas been a part of my life, both for talking with girls and meeting new friends. I found out I could make a good impression, even getting girls interested in me and meet me. But when I meet people in real life I get a barrier, a block. Where I cant be myself, just a more stiff version of myself.
My main issue of concern is mostly about not being able to connect deeper with people – not just surface, and especially relationships of opposite sex. I never had a true girlfriend. Altough I have had short- term relationships lasting months. Mostly just because to have someone in my life. Not becase I truly felt something for the person. And in these relationships I have not given the partner a chance to breath. I have been jelous and controlling. Its always about what I feel and think.
Im a good looking guy who has got attention from girls all my life. Friends say im funny, with a cool vibe, and asks me how I still can be single. But I have always been taking a step backwards when someone has tried to get to close to me, wheter it is new people or girls.
So I fell back into online chatting all these years with girls , and getting to know new friends, and make up imaginary perfect romantic scenarions with girls, and perfect pictures of friendships.
Im also a constant daydreamer, sometimes too much stuck in thoughts, hard to be present, my mind is all over the place.
I have been heard that im a bad listeners from family. Sometimes friends. And I have become aware of this. Im not interested in what other people say, I feel disconnected, not genuinely reflecting on peoples opinions and words. Sometimes I just wish they end up talking more quickly, so I can say my opinion.
But the paradox I live in is, im comfortable with being an introvert and don’t need people to feel happy. But how am I supposed to get a girlfriend, if im a bad listener and not intrested in other people? I always think my opinion is best. I start daydreaming about other stuff and selectively listen, while fading out, when the other person is talking.
If a person talks, I only answer what I can relate to, mostly I don’t have anything to reflect back to. Its always thoughts about myself and what I can say about my life and feelings, rather than resonating on other peoples life, minds and opinions.
I often think highly about myself, I label myself as someone who is hard to understand, special, better than others, sometimes I become angry inside, if someone gets appraisal, or is funnier than me. Sometimes I judge people to fast, and that I only can hang out with certain people, im picky,
I don’t like crititizism, or even small comments or remarks about me. I become angry and attack back. I always say “I do what I want and u cant critizise me”.
At the moment:
I feel emotionall numb about people. I have no problem chatting up girls. But when I get to dates im not really interested in the girl. I feel its draining to open up and go trough the phase of learning to know a new person. Not to talk about my introvert part on top of this.
Even meeting old friends and aquintances, I don’t feel anything. I feel my past experiences /my anxiety has left me emotionally numb. I have an auto protection shield going up – when someone wants to get closer to me, then I think they want something from me and I cant trust them, I get uncomfortable.
I take a step back if someone shows more interest to learn to know me , especially girls. I put on this protective and cool pokerface, Why am I so protective? If I can get what I want – why do I not let myself get it?
I know that the problem of my anxious periods have been lack of relationships - the solution is to improve on that. But im not interested in going trough the dating process – sometimes just feel that I can take my brain out so people can get the best of me instantly.
Im 31 and never felt true love, or being in a serious relationship. Always this slight uncomfortable feeling of sharing my true self to new people, and if meeting new people is uncomfortable, how can I form serious relationships with girls where it takes even more to emotionally open up?
Have to add that me and my little sister have always argued troughout my life. Its just until recent years we can communicate normally. And I have never said that I love her, or hugged her. Same with my mother. Have been bad at expressing feelings. As far I can remember I have only told her that I love her a handful of times, I always get uncomfortable showing feelings.
Also been bad expressing feeling towards friends general , giving gifts, telling them I like them etc, saying thanx – it just feels unfcomrtabe.
What do I want to improve?
+ express my feelings
+ being a better listener
+ more genuinely interested in people
+ being more in the present
+ breaking out of my shell
+ more curious and open minded
Despite all this im a very emotional, kind and sensitive person, with big heart and a big love for animals. Im working as a marketer/writer/musician today and I love what I do and my career.
What do I have? Low self esteem? Narcissism? Social anxiety? Or just pure introversion?
Anyone can relate and help me out on how to solve my problems? Any self-help books or self-improvement tips to read?
This is a pretty long story. hope you can read it.
Not sure what my case might be - but is has so far haunting me throughout my whole life. Im talking about anxiety, re-occurring in various shapes and forms. If its periods of melancholia , low anxiety, or just my introversion – im not sure. Been having this anxious feeling since my early teens.
And the anxiety can strike at any time. Sometimes with no reason, I feel like a stone, being pulled back from reality, not being in my own state, not in the present. Floating away on random thoughts from past with no connection to present situation.
Looking back on this anxious feeling, it could have been shaped by the lack of intimacy and relationships. When I was 15 I were fantasizing about getting a girlfriend. Every time I was supposed to meet a girl, I got so nervous I just couldn’t go on the date. Same thing happened with meeting new people, even old friends or cousins, anxious feelings took a grip of me.
I have always had 1-2 real close friends troughout my life. That’s how I prefer it. I have always been comfortable with my own company without feeling the need to socialize. Its just the feeling of feeling anxious with new people in new situations that has stopped my potential growth – especially relationships.
Briefly about my childhood:
My father died at an early age and my mother raised me up together with my younger sister. Mother was overprotective and anxious “don’t do this, don’t do that” ,
I had friends but hated school due to being around other people. I was shy and quiet, connected with a few.
I was stubborn as a child and did not like when other people looked at me. Not even my family members. I always become angry and shouted “don’t look at me”. Relationship with my younger sister was bad. I teased her and did not allow her to stand in the center of attention. Everytime she got attention I hit her , even if she was happier than me or smiled. I got angry. Basically she never was allowed to get freedom or space. It was all about me me and what I think.
One side note: altough I love animals today – I remember I afflicted animals, such as chickens and hedgehogs when I was a kid.
Briefly about my teens:
During my early teens I got diabetes, and my periods of melancholia started to appear more. I was mostly staying at home and found hobbies which I was passionately devoted to. During high school friends started to get girlfriends, and I felt hopelessly feeling alone and craving for love, romance and intimacy. Due to lack of this I got even more shut up in my own shell.
Periods of internet chatting has alwas been a part of my life, both for talking with girls and meeting new friends. I found out I could make a good impression, even getting girls interested in me and meet me. But when I meet people in real life I get a barrier, a block. Where I cant be myself, just a more stiff version of myself.
My main issue of concern is mostly about not being able to connect deeper with people – not just surface, and especially relationships of opposite sex. I never had a true girlfriend. Altough I have had short- term relationships lasting months. Mostly just because to have someone in my life. Not becase I truly felt something for the person. And in these relationships I have not given the partner a chance to breath. I have been jelous and controlling. Its always about what I feel and think.
Im a good looking guy who has got attention from girls all my life. Friends say im funny, with a cool vibe, and asks me how I still can be single. But I have always been taking a step backwards when someone has tried to get to close to me, wheter it is new people or girls.
So I fell back into online chatting all these years with girls , and getting to know new friends, and make up imaginary perfect romantic scenarions with girls, and perfect pictures of friendships.
Im also a constant daydreamer, sometimes too much stuck in thoughts, hard to be present, my mind is all over the place.
I have been heard that im a bad listeners from family. Sometimes friends. And I have become aware of this. Im not interested in what other people say, I feel disconnected, not genuinely reflecting on peoples opinions and words. Sometimes I just wish they end up talking more quickly, so I can say my opinion.
But the paradox I live in is, im comfortable with being an introvert and don’t need people to feel happy. But how am I supposed to get a girlfriend, if im a bad listener and not intrested in other people? I always think my opinion is best. I start daydreaming about other stuff and selectively listen, while fading out, when the other person is talking.
If a person talks, I only answer what I can relate to, mostly I don’t have anything to reflect back to. Its always thoughts about myself and what I can say about my life and feelings, rather than resonating on other peoples life, minds and opinions.
I often think highly about myself, I label myself as someone who is hard to understand, special, better than others, sometimes I become angry inside, if someone gets appraisal, or is funnier than me. Sometimes I judge people to fast, and that I only can hang out with certain people, im picky,
I don’t like crititizism, or even small comments or remarks about me. I become angry and attack back. I always say “I do what I want and u cant critizise me”.
At the moment:
I feel emotionall numb about people. I have no problem chatting up girls. But when I get to dates im not really interested in the girl. I feel its draining to open up and go trough the phase of learning to know a new person. Not to talk about my introvert part on top of this.
Even meeting old friends and aquintances, I don’t feel anything. I feel my past experiences /my anxiety has left me emotionally numb. I have an auto protection shield going up – when someone wants to get closer to me, then I think they want something from me and I cant trust them, I get uncomfortable.
I take a step back if someone shows more interest to learn to know me , especially girls. I put on this protective and cool pokerface, Why am I so protective? If I can get what I want – why do I not let myself get it?
I know that the problem of my anxious periods have been lack of relationships - the solution is to improve on that. But im not interested in going trough the dating process – sometimes just feel that I can take my brain out so people can get the best of me instantly.
Im 31 and never felt true love, or being in a serious relationship. Always this slight uncomfortable feeling of sharing my true self to new people, and if meeting new people is uncomfortable, how can I form serious relationships with girls where it takes even more to emotionally open up?
Have to add that me and my little sister have always argued troughout my life. Its just until recent years we can communicate normally. And I have never said that I love her, or hugged her. Same with my mother. Have been bad at expressing feelings. As far I can remember I have only told her that I love her a handful of times, I always get uncomfortable showing feelings.
Also been bad expressing feeling towards friends general , giving gifts, telling them I like them etc, saying thanx – it just feels unfcomrtabe.
What do I want to improve?
+ express my feelings
+ being a better listener
+ more genuinely interested in people
+ being more in the present
+ breaking out of my shell
+ more curious and open minded
Despite all this im a very emotional, kind and sensitive person, with big heart and a big love for animals. Im working as a marketer/writer/musician today and I love what I do and my career.
What do I have? Low self esteem? Narcissism? Social anxiety? Or just pure introversion?
Anyone can relate and help me out on how to solve my problems? Any self-help books or self-improvement tips to read?