BenAlbany
12-31-2005, 02:45 PM
Hi, I'm new to this board. I had a little problem earlier this year possibly related to drugs, and I was wondering if anyone has any experience with these types of problems. I wrote a letter to the White House on March 27th and about a week later I suddenly became extremely paranoid thinking that the FBI or some other such agency had broken into my computer as a result and was watching me. I went to bed hoping things would get better, but the next day I still felt like something was wrong. That night, I saw a car parked across the street from my house which does not belong to the people who live across the street, and I became convinced that it was there to spy on me.
This paranoid feeling escalated to the point where I thought someone was following me around everywhere I went and would eventually kill me. This lasted about two months and was extremely stressful. How it lasted that long or what perfectly opportune time to kill me I thought they were waiting for, I can't really explain. It seems silly in retrospect, but at the time it was brutal. The paranoia is now completely gone, but I still suffer post-traumatic symptoms from it. I have nightmares, increased anxiety, and feel generally terrible most of the time.
Anyway, I had taken some morning glory seeds earlier that month, but it was less than half the largest dose I had ever taken; and it left my system with no problems. I did not experience any paranoia whatsoever while the drug was in my system. I listened to Paul McCartney's first solo album and stared at the ceiling thinking about stuff; it was a hardly an intense or difficult trip. Then, later in the month, I wrote the letter, and then a week later I suddenly became paranoid. That's why I think it was the letter rather than the drug which caused the paranoia. I could be wrong. It might be possible for a drug to have no negative effects while it's in your system but cause problems later. It doesn't sound likely, but I'm not an expert in these matters so I can't say for sure. I've taken fairly large doses of heavy psychedelics before and experienced no problems whatsoever. I've at times felt mild paranoia which is common even with marijuana, but I've never had any real problems with paranoia before this.
Anyway, I ended up in the emergency room over this, and all they did was give me Xanax which did nothing. I've talked to three psychologists and a psychiatrist about this, and none of them have been able to give me a great answer as to what happened or what the significance of this is. I'm currently taking no medication although I am seeing a psychologist. To make this a little more complicated, I visited the ACLU's office here in Albany about this, and they said that it is in fact possible to be monitored for writing a letter to the White House or even to the editor of a newspaper. I also read some of a book about the history of the FBI and during the 40s, Franklin Roosevelt received a bunch of telegrams against U.S. involvement in WWII; all the telegrams were forwarded by the White House press secretary to J Edgar Hoover at the FBI, and he started files on all of the people. Now, the letter I wrote was against the war in Iraq, so there is a fairly exact precedent for this sort of thing although admittedly that was a different era. Anyway, I did this research during the two month period when I thought I was being monitored which is one of the reasons why I was unable to calm down and get over it, i.e. there was some rational reason for believing I could be monitored. However, the thinking I would be shot part was probably completely crazy.
Anyway, this year has been a nightmare. Previous to this paranoia episode I had been applying to grad schools, and I got accepted to a psychology program at George Washington University in April but had to turn them down due to the problem I was dealing with. Right now, I don't feel so great about my future. I just finished taking a social work grad class non-matriculated at the state university here and am thinking about pursuing a master's in social work. However, after this episode of paranoia, I don't know if I'm fit to be doing work in the psychological field. Plus, this whole thing has been so draining that I don't know if I have the energy to pursue a degree in anything. I don't have a whole lot in the way of support from my family as they would just as soon pretend this never happened and move on. I also have limited social networks and so am left to deal with this almost on my own at times. I have a cousin here in Albany and a few friends who live outside the area, but none of them really understand this. No one seems to and I don't blame them because it is a rather bizarre situation. Plus psychologists are generally not that great and psychiatrists are even worse. They're better than nothing, but they're hardly miracle workers or even very understanding most of the time.
I myself am unable to make any sense out of this. I'm not a neurobiologist or extremely experienced with heavy psychedelics, but I personally don't think the drugs are the issue. Other possibilities are maybe spending too much time by myself or feeling a lot of stress about grad school applications. I don't know, but a little further weird aspect of this is that for awhile I was thinking that I was cursed because morning glory seeds were used as a religious sacrament by some of the Native American tribes in Mexico. Originally, if someone took them who was not a shaman he would be put to death, so I was thinking maybe I should've left them alone or something. This sounds silly and I guess it is, but one thing that kind of spooked me is that I have a wood carving on my stereo which I've had since I was in elementary school by a Zapotec from Oaxaca, Mexico. I didn't know where it was from at the time I took the morning glory seeds but learned it when I reread the paper which came with it. I had never heard of the Zapotecs before I read the paper, but apparently to them morning glory seeds are one of the holiest things on earth. Anyway, the curse is probably the least likely explanation from a scientific point of view, but I was considering that for awhile. And the thing is this feeling came on so strongly and so suddenly that it almost seemed supernatural. Maybe all paranoia is like that, but it was like one second everything was ok and the next second my world was collapsing. Again, I don't know, and I don't want to trouble people with my weird problems; but this is extremely difficult to deal with and I guess I'm kind of desperate for some explanation or way to get over this.
Anyway, I've had various anxiety disorders including generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and OCD as well as depression since I was in elementary school. However, I have never experienced any type of paranoia before this. I have also never had any other symptoms of schizophrenia, so I am hoping this is an isolated event and that I will fully recover from it eventually. If anyone else has any experience with acute or semi-acute paranoia or has any ideas about this, I'd love to hear from you. Anyway, happy holiday season to all and hopefully 2005 was kinder to you than it was to me.
Ben
This paranoid feeling escalated to the point where I thought someone was following me around everywhere I went and would eventually kill me. This lasted about two months and was extremely stressful. How it lasted that long or what perfectly opportune time to kill me I thought they were waiting for, I can't really explain. It seems silly in retrospect, but at the time it was brutal. The paranoia is now completely gone, but I still suffer post-traumatic symptoms from it. I have nightmares, increased anxiety, and feel generally terrible most of the time.
Anyway, I had taken some morning glory seeds earlier that month, but it was less than half the largest dose I had ever taken; and it left my system with no problems. I did not experience any paranoia whatsoever while the drug was in my system. I listened to Paul McCartney's first solo album and stared at the ceiling thinking about stuff; it was a hardly an intense or difficult trip. Then, later in the month, I wrote the letter, and then a week later I suddenly became paranoid. That's why I think it was the letter rather than the drug which caused the paranoia. I could be wrong. It might be possible for a drug to have no negative effects while it's in your system but cause problems later. It doesn't sound likely, but I'm not an expert in these matters so I can't say for sure. I've taken fairly large doses of heavy psychedelics before and experienced no problems whatsoever. I've at times felt mild paranoia which is common even with marijuana, but I've never had any real problems with paranoia before this.
Anyway, I ended up in the emergency room over this, and all they did was give me Xanax which did nothing. I've talked to three psychologists and a psychiatrist about this, and none of them have been able to give me a great answer as to what happened or what the significance of this is. I'm currently taking no medication although I am seeing a psychologist. To make this a little more complicated, I visited the ACLU's office here in Albany about this, and they said that it is in fact possible to be monitored for writing a letter to the White House or even to the editor of a newspaper. I also read some of a book about the history of the FBI and during the 40s, Franklin Roosevelt received a bunch of telegrams against U.S. involvement in WWII; all the telegrams were forwarded by the White House press secretary to J Edgar Hoover at the FBI, and he started files on all of the people. Now, the letter I wrote was against the war in Iraq, so there is a fairly exact precedent for this sort of thing although admittedly that was a different era. Anyway, I did this research during the two month period when I thought I was being monitored which is one of the reasons why I was unable to calm down and get over it, i.e. there was some rational reason for believing I could be monitored. However, the thinking I would be shot part was probably completely crazy.
Anyway, this year has been a nightmare. Previous to this paranoia episode I had been applying to grad schools, and I got accepted to a psychology program at George Washington University in April but had to turn them down due to the problem I was dealing with. Right now, I don't feel so great about my future. I just finished taking a social work grad class non-matriculated at the state university here and am thinking about pursuing a master's in social work. However, after this episode of paranoia, I don't know if I'm fit to be doing work in the psychological field. Plus, this whole thing has been so draining that I don't know if I have the energy to pursue a degree in anything. I don't have a whole lot in the way of support from my family as they would just as soon pretend this never happened and move on. I also have limited social networks and so am left to deal with this almost on my own at times. I have a cousin here in Albany and a few friends who live outside the area, but none of them really understand this. No one seems to and I don't blame them because it is a rather bizarre situation. Plus psychologists are generally not that great and psychiatrists are even worse. They're better than nothing, but they're hardly miracle workers or even very understanding most of the time.
I myself am unable to make any sense out of this. I'm not a neurobiologist or extremely experienced with heavy psychedelics, but I personally don't think the drugs are the issue. Other possibilities are maybe spending too much time by myself or feeling a lot of stress about grad school applications. I don't know, but a little further weird aspect of this is that for awhile I was thinking that I was cursed because morning glory seeds were used as a religious sacrament by some of the Native American tribes in Mexico. Originally, if someone took them who was not a shaman he would be put to death, so I was thinking maybe I should've left them alone or something. This sounds silly and I guess it is, but one thing that kind of spooked me is that I have a wood carving on my stereo which I've had since I was in elementary school by a Zapotec from Oaxaca, Mexico. I didn't know where it was from at the time I took the morning glory seeds but learned it when I reread the paper which came with it. I had never heard of the Zapotecs before I read the paper, but apparently to them morning glory seeds are one of the holiest things on earth. Anyway, the curse is probably the least likely explanation from a scientific point of view, but I was considering that for awhile. And the thing is this feeling came on so strongly and so suddenly that it almost seemed supernatural. Maybe all paranoia is like that, but it was like one second everything was ok and the next second my world was collapsing. Again, I don't know, and I don't want to trouble people with my weird problems; but this is extremely difficult to deal with and I guess I'm kind of desperate for some explanation or way to get over this.
Anyway, I've had various anxiety disorders including generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and OCD as well as depression since I was in elementary school. However, I have never experienced any type of paranoia before this. I have also never had any other symptoms of schizophrenia, so I am hoping this is an isolated event and that I will fully recover from it eventually. If anyone else has any experience with acute or semi-acute paranoia or has any ideas about this, I'd love to hear from you. Anyway, happy holiday season to all and hopefully 2005 was kinder to you than it was to me.
Ben