love & anxiety suck

[mrslizzyg]

Hey everyone! I am back to talk about my ever-confusing marriage situation.... To be honest I really didn't want to bring this here because I feel like you guys are probably so freaking sick of hearing about it by now.. but I'm sure that's just my anxiety talking?


So last all of you heard, my husband wanted a divorce because we couldn't find a way to meet in the middle with his religious beliefs and my lack of religious beliefs.

On Wednesday night, I was at my best friends house trying to sleep on her couch. I ended up having a straight up panic attack and all I could think about doing was going home... I tried to wait it out and bring myself back down but I felt like I NEEDED to be in MY house.. so at like 1am I drove home. To get in my house there is a latch you can only open from the inside, so I had to wake up my husband... This was a tough situation because I was a wreck from crying and just totally heartbroken anyways.

My husband didn't take it so well. He broke down and started crying himself- saying that he made a terrible mistake and shouldn't have given me an ultimatum like that. He said I am an amazing person who is more than enough to be with him.

Enter: CONFUSION.

We took Thursday off work together and spend some time together.. also had a long talk. He said all he asks of me is that I am willing to go to church with him once or twice a month- but I don't have to get any deeper into the religion than I want to. (I can keep drinking coffee YAY!)...Which is funny because, this is something I had offered BEFORE he decided to call it quits.

Anyways, I have been living back at home all week, and I have just been living in a bubble of anxiety/depression/confusion. I was miserable all weekend long- and not because of anything in particular. I just DO NOT know what to do here.

I love my husband very, very much... that is not a question. I love my life I have built, my dogs, my home... but I can't help and wonder if there is something better out there? and I am not even talking about guys, just for a LIFE.
Ugh. I'm not even sure anyone can help me at this time...


Yesterday I went quad riding which is suppose to be fun, and it ended with me having a panic attack and hiding out from everyone in embarrassment. Nothing really happened to cause it, either.


I miss when life was simple.

[Goomba]

Your last paragraph or so describe an area that was a large contributor to my health anxiety. Every new ache and pain was reminder that I might be running out of time to figure that life thing out. I think I've said to you before that I have moved beyond the anxiety aspect of things, but some only the stress from that LIFE problem still lingers.

It's something I try to work on everyday. It's hard because I am generally very happy in the moment, but when reflecting on the past and future, I am met with discontent and a longing for something more. I have told people here that the past and future do not exist, they are only concepts, so be in the moment. I full heartedly support that still, but admit that it is difficult to find the balance between being happy in the moment, and conceptualizing time just enough that you always continue to grow. I feel that not making decisions, and not creating things that cater our fulfillment is a par of this life anxiety.

I went to the beach yesterday, and I wasn't in the best of moods. I've had some mystery hip pain that acts up off and on over the last few years, nothing awful, but it makes me feel older than 25. Lol. Yesterday it acted up, and I was so irritated about it for some reason. I remember watching the kids play (mind you the pain wouldn't prevent me from doing anything I wanted), and admiring how simple their lives were, and their pure elation through engaging in play. Like, that used to be me, and here I am stressing over a insignificant hip pain. More than likely this was due to the fact that it has always represented, to me, that I am getting older and running out of time. I truly miss the security of youth.

Anyway, I also remember looking over at my girlfriend of 6 years, and her 5 month pregnant belly, and being so grateful for our son that is on the way. But, still there was this air of unease about me. I love my girlfriend, but we have our issues. As she is pretty much my only serious relationship, I question "what if" there is something else. I went to college and graduated, but out my dreams to the side while that happened. Now, I am not working in my field, and fear that I am just going to waste so much time. As a dreamer I have always wanted to do so much , and I fear that trying to avoid having restrictions has propelled me to cultivating a life full of limitation, which I NEVER wanted. 9-5 robotic job, 5 days a week. And, I hate myself for getting to that position. Regardless, I am going to provide for my family. But, man, do I wonder what life would be like had I made different decisions, or really , any decisions at all.

Now I stress on how I will cultivate my dreams in the future, before I am too old to live them.

But, in this moment, I am happy.

Which brings me back to our older convos. We can't control everything. But, we can control internally. Make sure that you are investing in LIFE everyday, and I think in time you will cultivate something special. I have disclosed my struggles here, but, in a full perspective, it is fruitful. I just have to remember to listen to my own advice lol.

[Goomba]

In the end it's about recognizing that you are still living, and things still can be simple. You have the ability to cultivate a life to look back on 15 years from now, and once again miss when times were simple. But, you have to allow yourself to live.

This applies to me as well. Hip pain, really? I should be and am grateful that I am still able to live my life with limited restrictions. It's only when we compare our current struggles to this perceived image of perfection that we were supposed to have, that the distress is created. As kids we didn't have expectations of what we should be, we just were. And, things were simpler. We can do that again.

[mrslizzyg]

Your last paragraph or so describe an area that was a large contributor to my health anxiety. Every new ache and pain was reminder that I might be running out of time to figure that life thing out. I think I've said to you before that I have moved beyond the anxiety aspect of things, but some only the stress from that LIFE problem still lingers.

It's something I try to work on everyday. It's hard because I am generally very happy in the moment, but when reflecting on the past and future, I am met with discontent and a longing for something more. I have told people here that the past and future do not exist, they are only concepts, so be in the moment. I full heartedly support that still, but admit that it is difficult to find the balance between being happy in the moment, and conceptualizing time just enough that you always continue to grow. I feel that not making decisions, and not creating things that cater our fulfillment is a par of this life anxiety.

I went to the beach yesterday, and I wasn't in the best of moods. I've had some mystery hip pain that acts up off and on over the last few years, nothing awful, but it makes me feel older than 25. Lol. Yesterday it acted up, and I was so irritated about it for some reason. I remember watching the kids play (mind you the pain wouldn't prevent me from doing anything I wanted), and admiring how simple their lives were, and their pure elation through engaging in play. Like, that used to be me, and here I am stressing over a insignificant hip pain. More than likely this was due to the fact that it has always represented, to me, that I am getting older and running out of time. I truly miss the security of youth.

Anyway, I also remember looking over at my girlfriend of 6 years, and her 5 month pregnant belly, and being so grateful for our son that is on the way. But, still there was this air of unease about me. I love my girlfriend, but we have our issues. As she is pretty much my only serious relationship, I question "what if" there is something else. I went to college and graduated, but out my dreams to the side while that happened. Now, I am not working in my field, and fear that I am just going to waste so much time. As a dreamer I have always wanted to do so much , and I fear that trying to avoid having restrictions has propelled me to cultivating a life full of limitation, which I NEVER wanted. 9-5 robotic job, 5 days a week. And, I hate myself for getting to that position. Regardless, I am going to provide for my family. But, man, do I wonder what life would be like had I made different decisions, or really , any decisions at all.

Now I stress on how I will cultivate my dreams in the future, before I am too old to live them.

But, in this moment, I am happy.

Which brings me back to our older convos. We can't control everything. But, we can control internally. Make sure that you are investing in LIFE everyday, and I think in time you will cultivate something special. I have disclosed my struggles here, but, in a full perspective, it is fruitful. I just have to remember to listen to my own advice lol.


Thank you for sharing all of this, Goomba. It was really enlightening to read. You are only 25? Jeez, I really thought you would be older with all the great advice you give! But I guess if I think about it, age doesn't always have anything to with it. Congrats on your baby, by the way. :)

Isn't it interesting how we can give advice to others all day, and we know it's good solid advice, but when it comes time to apply it in our own lives, it is such a struggle? If I could remember to live by the advice I give to others I would be a lot happier, I think.

I heard a song on the radio the other day, the lyrics:
" 'Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe"


I have been trying to remind myself to "just breathe" like that song says. I am trying so desperately hard to just be happy "in the moment", but I think that is my biggest anxiety crutch. I think after reading your post I honestly just had a huge epiphany...Not even kidding.

I have ALWAYS been the person who thinks about my past and wishes things could be "like they were" or I could feel "how I felt then." Or, on the opposite side, I am always worried about what "I could be missing" or "if there is more to life." How the hell am I ever suppose to be happy in the moment if I am always thinking about the past or the future? Why do I automatically resort to those thoughts?

I am getting what I wanted, here. I WANTED my husband to just let me be me, and that be good enough. He is content with that now. I was letting him have control over the choice of whether or not or marriage worked out, because well, lets be honest- why do I want to make that choice if I am always afraid of making the wrong one? Now that the choice is back in my hands- I am uncomfortable, yet again.. because I am stressed and worried about wether or not this is the right or wrong "life" for me.

I guess the reality is that there is no way to know for sure how you life is going to work out... Ultimately your choices do effect where you life goes, but no one can tell you if that choice is right or wrong. If it will make you happy or sad. You are not the only person involved in that choice.. Other people have their agency to make choices, too. So even if you make the RIGHT choice, someone else could make the WRONG(that was maybe right for them) choice and send everything spiraling out of control, making your now RIGHT choice the WRONG choice for yourself.


Sorry, I am just writing as my thoughts come to me... but damn this all makes a lot of sense to me.


My husband is a good man, who yes, has made mistakes and poor choices. So have I in all fairness. But above all, I do love him, with all my heart. He IS my home. Now I just need to figure out how to be OK with the fact that I will never know "what else" is out there, because it is an endless search.

Here I am back to my "need for control" over the situation. We cannot CONTROL life. There are too many outside factors.

I HAVE JUST REALIZED WHAT MY WHOLE ISSUE HAS BEEN ALL ALONG.

[NixonRulz]

You certainly are on a roller coaster ride there, Linz. Kinda sucks

You both seem to be trying to figure out what it is you want. I know you believe you want to be with him but have you really thought about that? The reason I ask is many times people do not want their lives disrupted or they want to be with someone versus being alone for a bit. All understandable.

I get that he is far more religious in his faith than you ever would be or want to be. He needs to decide without the emotion, if he can be with you based on that. Is his faith so strong that for now, he is only going through the motions but deep down really wants to be with a Mormon chick?

And for you, you need to decide if you can handle being the outcast (in his family's eyes) because you are not part of their religion. I believe he wants to meet you halfway but my guess is that this subject will never fully go away. There will always be a reason someone thinks it is relevant to the discussion or argument. If you are both prepared to deal with the difference in religious faith and the issues it will cause, then go forward and make it happen.

Love is strong but sometimes love isn't enough to make a relationship work.

That is why people always refer to that stupid "if you love something set it free" saying. How overplayed is that whole thing? And who would set something free that they love just to see if it will come back? That just seems like a bad idea

I hope you find your way

[mrslizzyg]

You certainly are on a roller coaster ride there, Linz. Kinda sucks

You both seem to be trying to figure out what it is you want. I know you believe you want to be with him but have you really thought about that? The reason I ask is many times people do not want their lives disrupted or they want to be with someone versus being alone for a bit. All understandable.

I get that he is far more religious in his faith than you ever would be or want to be. He needs to decide without the emotion, if he can be with you based on that. Is his faith so strong that for now, he is only going through the motions but deep down really wants to be with a Mormon chick?

And for you, you need to decide if you can handle being the outcast (in his family's eyes) because you are not part of their religion. I believe he wants to meet you halfway but my guess is that this subject will never fully go away. There will always be a reason someone thinks it is relevant to the discussion or argument. If you are both prepared to deal with the difference in religious faith and the issues it will cause, then go forward and make it happen.

Love is strong but sometimes love isn't enough to make a relationship work.

That is why people always refer to that stupid "if you love something set it free" saying. How overplayed is that whole thing? And who would set something free that they love just to see if it will come back? That just seems like a bad idea

I hope you find your way

Yes, yes, yes to all of this. I whole heartedly agree and I have also been thinking about that. Is he REALLY gonna accept me for who I am even after we have kids, or am I in for this issue to come up again later? I mean like you said, I know it will never GO AWAY completely.. and even he and I decided this will "not be easy." but there was one conversation I we had where I brought up my concerns, and it may seem like a "stupid" issue but I asked:

Me: "So what happens when we have kids, and I am making a pot of coffee in the morning, and they ask you why I am doing that, if your church sees it as wrong?"

Husband: "I will tell them that everyone has their agency, and the goal in life is to do your best and be the best person you can. I will remind them that you are an amazing person, even better than me in a lot of ways, and that you have a right to make that choice."

This for me was very interesting to hear him say, because he NEVER told me anything like that before. About being a better person than him, or it being OK for me to make my own decisions. It was always a feeling that I was the "lesser" individual in our marriage because of my choices.


As overplayed at the "if you love something set it free" quote is, I feel I have lived it twice in the last year. He came back to me and then I decided to come home on Wednesday night. (honestly no intention that he would change his mind, I just wanted my damn bed and my dogs..)

Unfortunately this comes back to not KNOWING what the future will hold, just like the above posts. I can make a choice to stay or leave, but there is no way to know for sure how either choice will play out. I can't expect him to tell me how he will feel like 5 years or even 1 year from now, because people constantly grow and change.


But I am ready to get off this rollercoaster now...

[jessed03]

I think Nixon makes a good point. Complacency is always likely to set in in your marriage, as it occasionally does, and when that happens your husband is likely to take some of his frustration out on you for not being the good mormon girl his church and his family would like him to be with. I just feel you're at risk of getting stuck in a vicious cycle if you're not careful.

Your situation reminds me a lot of a relationship I had. The girl was from Eastern Europe, and shoot, over there men are really masculine. She didn't get my anxiety at all (this was when I was 22). There would be times we'd fight as I'd embarrass her in front of her friends, or she'd think I was just being over-dramatic with my emotions. We really liked each other, and after a big fight we'd hug it out, tell each other we wanted to be together and promise to communicate more and make allowances for one another. Sure, the following weeks were good, but eventually complacency would slip in again, and I'd get annoyed at her for not supporting me, she'd get annoyed if I had to jog out of the coffee shop to get air as I felt an attack coming on.

In the end the relationship became toxic, as what we wanted - what we really wanted deep down - neither of us could give each other. We'd make those promises such as we'd try harder, as lovers often do, but we weren't capable of giving each other the things we wanted and needed. And that wasn't either of our faults.

I see a lot of that relationship in yours. I feel that you, personally, really need to be accepted fully by your husband and that your husband really needs you to commit somewhat to his religion. I don't think either of you can give each other what you truly need, not long-term, anyway. I think you could both put in the effort, spend a lot of time hugging and kissing, but in a month's time, we'd be here all over again. That's because you're trying to fit square pegs into round holes.

Love really isn't enough. It's damn important, but it's not enough. Especially when ideology is concerned.

I do get the feeling that this relationship is becoming rather harmful to you. Too much time spent in limbo like this is really bad for a person's mental health, as you're finding out. I think the pair of you just need to discover what it is you REALLY want out of your relationship, and then be honest, and talk about whether or not you can give each other that. No making excuses, no trying to re-mould the truth so it's more convenient - just honesty.

I would never tell you to walk away from your marriage, or even stay in your marriage, Liz. It's not my place to do that. I'm just sharing my observations, so what I say should only be taken lightly.

Still, from where I'm standing, it doesn't seem like you and your husband can give each other what you really want or need.

[jessed03]

Oh yeah, and congrats on your soon-to-be-born little one, Goomba.

[mrslizzyg]

I think Nixon makes a good point. Complacency is always likely to set in in your marriage, as it occasionally does, and when that happens your husband is likely to take some of his frustration out on you for not being the good mormon girl his church and his family would like him to be with. I just feel you're at risk of getting stuck in a vicious cycle if you're not careful.

Your situation reminds me a lot of a relationship I had. The girl was from Eastern Europe, and shoot, over there men are really masculine. She didn't get my anxiety at all (this was when I was 22). There would be times we'd fight as I'd embarrass her in front of her friends, or she'd think I was just being over-dramatic with my emotions. We really liked each other, and after a big fight we'd hug it out, tell each other we wanted to be together and promise to communicate more and make allowances for one another. Sure, the following weeks were good, but eventually complacency would slip in again, and I'd get annoyed at her for not supporting me, she'd get annoyed if I had to jog out of the coffee shop to get air as I felt an attack coming on.

In the end the relationship became toxic, as what we wanted - what we really wanted deep down - neither of us could give each other. We'd make those promises such as we'd try harder, as lovers often do, but we weren't capable of giving each other the things we wanted and needed. And that wasn't either of our faults.

I see a lot of that relationship in yours. I feel that you, personally, really need to be accepted fully by your husband and that your husband really needs you to commit somewhat to his religion. I don't think either of you can give each other what you truly need, not long-term, anyway. I think you could both put in the effort, spend a lot of time hugging and kissing, but in a month's time, we'd be here all over again. That's because you're trying to fit square pegs into round holes.

Love really isn't enough. It's damn important, but it's not enough. Especially when ideology is concerned.

I do get the feeling that this relationship is becoming rather harmful to you. Too much time spent in limbo like this is really bad for a person's mental health, as you're finding out. I think the pair of you just need to discover what it is you REALLY want out of your relationship, and then be honest, and talk about whether or not you can give each other that. No making excuses, no trying to re-mould the truth so it's more convenient - just honesty.

I would never tell you to walk away from your marriage, or even stay in your marriage, Liz. It's not my place to do that. I'm just sharing my observations, so what I say should only be taken lightly.

Still, from where I'm standing, it doesn't seem like you and your husband can give each other what you really want or need.

Very, very good advice Jesse. Thank you. Made me think quite a bit..


I know love isn't enough.


Wouldn't life be grand if it was?

[JohnC]

Oh yeah, and congrats on your soon-to-be-born little one, Goomba.

Yes congrats on the soon to be birth. I to went to collage and I am doing nothing at all to what my field of study was but it was still the the best years of my life. I have to remind myself of that every time I write a student loan payment in the book.
Lizz being married is tough and I feel your pain. I married my high school sweetheart that I dated all through school only to have the marriage fail two weeks before our first anniversary. All my fault too, I was so insecure it was pathetic. She was beautiful and I miss her still to this day. ( hope my wife don't read my history. ) lol. Peace all

[mrslizzyg]

Yes congrats on the soon to be birth. I to went to collage and I am doing nothing at all to what my field of study was but it was still the the best years of my life. I have to remind myself of that every time I write a student loan payment in the book.
Lizz being married is tough and I feel your pain. I married my high school sweetheart that I dated all through school only to have the marriage fail two weeks before our first anniversary. All my fault too, I was so insecure it was pathetic. She was beautiful and I miss her still to this day. ( hope my wife don't read my history. ) lol. Peace all

That is really sad, John... =/ I have a first love that "got away" too. Never married of course, but I think everyone who has a high school sweetheart wishes things would work out... Rarely does that ever end well though.

[Im-Suffering]

Goomba ! my good friend, congrats ! wow...

Just a reminder here in this thread that conscious mind is not the problem solver. If you assign it that position, you begin to worry, and so the solutions come from fear, rather than universal intelligence.

Subconscious releases a solution in the form of inspiration to which the conscious filters through reason. (this is why its important to examine your beliefs). Inspiration must sift through belief/thoughts.

Keep in mind this is directly opposite to how you have practiced and have been taught to handle problems.

The solution is always to minimize the problem. Live in the moment and allow it to unfold. In Lindsey's case, all the rationalizing in the world for weeks, that led to sleeping on someone elses couch could not fight the inspiration of the moment (from the inner self) with the idea to run home. There was telepathy there between her and her spouse that led to communication.

By minimizing the problem and stripping it of energy and focus you are not denying it, but refusing to capitulate to worry and trusting faith in your inner self, along with the magic of the self in the spacious moment to unfold as you wish it to.

Allowing self to unfold in the moment also means not to restrict or put up a rigid set of boundaries. "I will allow the moment to unfold as long as it goes this way or that". Then you are repressing. Life has its own set of terms.

Minimize the problem, strip it of your power and focus, and when worry creeps in, bring yourself back to picturing the best possible outcome. Picturing the best possible outcome sets universal intelligence in motion to create that for you (sub or superconscious) in your present moment.

Too much negativity here, to much worry and brooding feeds the turmoil and the energy recreates a monster out of a molehill.

With my life, my experience to which you know, the monster became so powerful as to create a psychological explosion into the physical. A powerful reality shift, that in a sense is meant to clear the air, release the energies. I myself often felt stuck, repressed, and this energy went somewhere, into the monster, feeding it. I did not myself picture the best possible outcome but spent time brooding in my frustration. It indeed was an explosion of energy when she said "im out of here'. That was part of the healing. Love, was not the problem.

Try your best to live in the moment, it may surprise you what unfolds.

[Goomba]

Thanks for the good wishes everyone : ) The fact that I am going to be a father is still surreal, but it warms my heart. I'm super excited to just play with him.

Lizzy, it's awesome that you came to that realization. Just remember, have to follow our own advice, lol. There is a lot of different content here, and I don't want to take away from potential discussion with others. If you want to explore what we were talking about more, feel free to PM me.

....oh jeez I sound like I'm Suff...

[mrslizzyg]

Thank you IS for all of that. I have read over it a few times trying to take it what I can at this time.

I'm just going to use this thread to type out some of my thoughts... feel free to read and respond if anyone wants to, but I just can't get my head to shut up and I need somewhere to put it.


If I really try to remember, the last time I was happy in my marriage was about 5 months ago, 4 months into when we first got back together. I had taken space for 2 months, and had grounded myself again.. I was back in "I'm gonna be me and f*ck trying to change myself for other people", which I get can be slightly destructive in moments.. but that has always been my best way to kick my anxiety to the curb. The less I care the less anxiety I have.. now that doesn't mean I don't care about PEOPLE, and try not to hurt them.. but MY needs came first over anyone elses.

This worked for about 4 months in my marriage until my husband slowly wanted to break down the things about me he didn't find
desirable for a future mother, and at the same time all my past insecurities in our marriage came flooding back out again, because as I changed myself to better fit my marriage that attitude of "not really caring" came crashing down, and my anxiety just entered right back in to wreak havoc on my marriage and on my own mental health.

There are SO many past issues in my marriage that I don't think either of us has "gotten over." I think I am the one who has a lot more work to do in this department- I almost hold some resentment towards my husband for choices made in the marriage and things that were said. Again, I am by NO means innocent in everything here... but I am the one with issues letting go of the PAST.

I remember EVERYTHING, every last word, every last detail and emotion about events that occurred over the last 5 years. That is emotionally and mentally damaging to me, in so many ways. But yet I can't figure out how to forget... it doesn't matter how much my heart wants to forgive, I CANNOT forget these things happened. That makes me feel like I should never bothered being married- EVERYONE will make mistakes and NO ONE will ever be perfect...


I cannot emotionally handle some of the things my husband has put me through. I literally do not know how.


Because when I was separated- was I perfect? No.. I cried a lot and of course I missed him. But my anxiety pretty much vanished. I had no one with an expectation of who I was suppose to be looking over my shoulder. No past pain flooding my head and being paranoid about what he is doing or when he will be home because of the trauma of issues.

My husband and I had a long talk last night- revolving around one specific issue, his pornography use. This cuts me down to my very core, and I don't want to hear how "it's normal every guy does it"- ok, whatever. This porn thing goes back to my parents divorce, past relationships I have been in where my self esteem was walked on, and then the betrayal from my husband that hid it from me for a couple of years. It has never been THE PORN itself, which yes, I don't really like.. but I have dated guys in the past who watched it sometimes.. but it wasn't a secret. It wasn't something that made me feel less.... so why is it so different with my husband?... Because I married a man who told me that he thought porn was absolutely disgusting and would NEVER do that to his wife. I as a woman with past issues from this- thought I had stumbled upon gold. I had never wanted to get married before because I figured most men were just pigs(sorry) and I thought I had finally found someone who wasn't that way. Naïve? Absolutely. But I didn't set up that false idea. He did. So when I found out about it, that gold I thought I had found, became totally crushed. And to be honest I have never gotten over that. Every time he is in the bathroom for longer than 30mins my first instinct is to check on him because I am worried he is doing it again- who wants to live that way? Neither of us im sure. but I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LET GO OF THE NEGATIVE. I never said what I am doing here is "fair" or "right"...and no, I am not looking to re-open this to conversation again.. it is just an example of one thing out of many that can't be resolved for me..


Then there are the religious issues... Oh man I could go on forever with this one. I converted myself to Mormon when I first met my husband.. I think I half did it for myself and half did it for him.. to be "good enough"-- WELCOMING that fucking theme into my marriage right off the bat, me changing myself. I tried really hard for 4 years to keep myself in the church. I hurt my family. My friends. I lost a lot of friends. I dressed different... said things differently.. just was not myself at all. I would learn new things the more months I was in the church and I would always argue.. like.. "Why do men get multiple wives in the after life but women can't have more husbands?" "Why can't I have green tea, it's healthy!" "Why do I need to wear these garments under my clothes if I don't dress like a slut to begin with?" "Why are my family not seen as good enough?"... I am not a person to easily fall in line with authority, or I am not a sheep so to say. I am VERY stubborn and I'll be damned if you are just doing to tell me to "have faith" over something that my morals completely disagree with.

The day I left my husband the first time, because I was MISERABLE. He played call of duty, watched Porn, maybe exchanged a few words and had sex with me sometimes. I came home, worked out, made dinner, and laid in our bedroom watching TV shows. Repeat. Occasionally a family event would come up or we would decide to try a "date night".. which usually just ended in us fighting. So one I said I said I had it.. I was tired of trying to be the perfect "Mormon" wife for a man who was not the perfect "Mormon" husband.

I think in a lot of ways I became destructive for a while. I was finding my footing as myself again but not always in a healthy way. Eventually I found my way back to my husband...


4 months went by and were fucking amazing. We were back to being that happy in love couple again and just had so much fun together. But that never lasts, does it?

I have been unhappy again for 5 months. I have been in an anxiety bubble that comes and goes with depression and panic attacks. I feel a deep love for my husband but I am not sure it is a healthy love anymore. We go out and do things together- and sure, sometimes it is fun.. but most of the time it is not... We watch TV a lot together.. boring.. Sex is great, which is nice...we don't talk a lot, unless something random happens.. but we are not the type that can just sit and have a conversation together for hours... we used to be, but not anymore. Not enough in common to talk about.

My heart and my brain are in two different places. My brain is telling me that there is too much damage here... too many issues that cannot be resolved and things that cannot be compromised. My heart is telling me that I love him, that he is a good man at his core, and that I made a commitment to stay married to him, through the good at the bad.

So how the hell am I suppose to know when it's good to keep pressing forward or if I should call it quits, for both of our sake?
Sorry this is long.. like I said just typing out all the thoughts that come to my head.

[NixonRulz]

Sounds as if he is a Mormon when it is convenient to him? Don't drink coffee but I will be in the back room doing things as I watch a skin flick

It also appears that he uses the Mormon thing as an excuse sometimes. As you said, you are not innocent in all of this but either you keep leaving it out or he doesn't do shit to "change" for you

You weren't anxious when you were split up. That tells a huge story that you are already aware of. I understand why you just don't quit on the marriage but it seems to be a one way street in that house of yours

I wouldn't offer you any advice on if you should leave or not but I will say this, if I were in your shoes and some girl was bringing me down and preaching then starring at someone else's junk on film, I would say "Later"

Religion can be great but it sure can be a pain in the ass when it is used too lessen someone else just because they want a few extra husbands in the after life

You are a trooper for sticking with it but first and foremost you need to get your mental health in order. And you know how that happened the last go round

[mrslizzyg]

Sounds as if he is a Mormon when it is convenient to him? Don't drink coffee but I will be in the back room doing things as I watch a skin flick

It also appears that he uses the Mormon thing as an excuse sometimes. As you said, you are not innocent in all of this but either you keep leaving it out or he doesn't do shit to "change" for you

You weren't anxious when you were split up. That tells a huge story that you are already aware of. I understand why you just don't quit on the marriage but it seems to be a one way street in that house of yours

I wouldn't offer you any advice on if you should leave or not but I will say this, if I were in your shoes and some girl was bringing me down and preaching then starring at someone else's junk on film, I would say "Later"

Religion can be great but it sure can be a pain in the ass when it is used too lessen someone else just because they want a few extra husbands in the after life

You are a trooper for sticking with it but first and foremost you need to get your mental health in order. And you know how that happened the last go round


I read this and I am just going, "yes, he is so right about EVERYTHING." But still.. this crippling feeling of not wanting to leave for some reason consumes me.

It's funny because, even after last weeks event I am SO confused. He told me he wanted to be part of the church, right? No drinking, no smoking weed(which we do occasionally), no coffee, church on Sunday, no rated R movies, etc etc the list goes on.. He decided to divorce me because I WOULDN'T comply with the church... then came back to the next day and realized he was OK with my choices as long as I would support him in the church and go sometimes.(am I REALLY sure I want to go?!) BUT!!!! ... he still has a beer at night. He has had coffee the last few days. Still swears. Has smoked weed....

WAIT.. WHAT?!?!

When I ask him he says, "well I don't have to go back RIGHT NOW. I just want to be able to have that choice later and know you support me in it..I just want to focus on the NOW and being happy."

...........total mind fuck. and not because I am unhappy with being able to do all these things with him.. I am unhappy because he just ripped our marriage out from under the rug to do all these things and then we reconcile and he still hasn't changed what he said was making him miserable?!

[NixonRulz]

Sounds like he hasn't a clue what he wants to do and frankly, I don't think he even wants to go to the church. I am guessing he wants to go back since his family is telling him he wants and needs to

Next time he brings that shit up just say:

"You know, I workout and look pretty hot. I smoke weed and drink tequila and act immature when I am out for the night. I know a bunch of anxious dudes that would take me away and they would be less trouble than you are to figure out"

[mrslizzyg]

He is scared. That whole church is FEAR based.

LOL. You know whats funny, Nixon? You pretty much pegged me there...

Idk. Im so fucking sick of all of this.

I decided to look up some apartments/people looking for roommates that I could move in with. Obviously I haven't decided that is what I will do, but I think letting myself explore the option might help me figure it out.. Just to see how I feel about it. Right now I keep going back and forth.. one minute I'm like YES this is a great idea, the next I am like NO what are you doing! Lol. Hate emotions.

[NixonRulz]

The right answer will come to you if it already hasn't

Meanwhile, I will send you a CARE package to get through the next few days

Its actually just a shoebox with a bunch of selfies of me, 3 bottle caps and a pack of cigarettes

Drink. Smoke. Nixon Pics = Cured Anxiety

[mrslizzyg]

I feel like I know what the right answer is, honestly. But I don't like it. and it scares me.

You can't even throw a bottle of tequila in there? or even like the small airplane bottles?
without that your plan fails.

[jessed03]

As I've read through your posts, I've thought many of the same things Nixon has. I think you're very convenient for your husband in the sense he has somebody to project on to. He sounds like a pretty lame mormon at times, yet he occasionally gets on your back over stuff you do that isn't in keeping with his religion. Not taking a dig at the dude, but it's pretty ironic, hey? :)

If you don't want to say what Nixon said, you could always direct your hubby to what Jesus said about specs and logs in the eyes!

[mrslizzyg]

Jesse- yea, I think you two are very right.

My biggest downfalls that he lists are: My anxiety, and this guy I dated while we were separated for 2 months.

Ok, my anxiety does suck. I even hate it... so that's fair.

The guy I dated? ok, fine. Maybe I should have waited.. but I sincerely thought our marriage was over and didn't think I was doing any harm. I was honest with him about it at least.

Otherwise.. I think I am a pretty good wife.

Ok, I hate folding laundry.. LOL...I think that's ok though. :)

[jessed03]

Ok, I hate folding laundry.. LOL...I think that's ok though. :)

Well that's a game changer!

#TeamMormon

[mrslizzyg]

I know.. the folding laundry thing... How can I ever expect someone to marry me?! :rolleyes:


I JUST WANT THIS ANXIETY TO GO AWAY. lol damnit. my anxiety is very manic sometimes.. like right now I just want to hop in my car and drive for like an hour to some place beautiful for no reason at all because it would make me feel better.

but that's just avoiding my problems.

[jessed03]

I know.. the folding laundry thing... How can I ever expect someone to marry me?! :rolleyes:


I JUST WANT THIS ANXIETY TO GO AWAY. lol damnit. my anxiety is very manic sometimes.. like right now I just want to hop in my car and drive for like an hour to some place beautiful for no reason at all because it would make me feel better.

but that's just avoiding my problems.

Is it? I always do that! I find it really therapeutic. If ever I have a lot on my mind I go somewhere really quiet and really green. I like it because I live in the middle of the city. The hustle and bustle can make my mind race whenever I'm dealing with a problem. Being among beautiful surroundings helps my mind slow the f*ck down.

I like bringing nuts and seeds with me when I go, too. I feed the birds, the squirrels, and any other animals I see. That makes me feel a lot better. Makes me feel my pain isn't going to waste. Something was fed thanks to my suffering. Something may have been kept alive thanks to my misery LOL. Makes me feel like it wasn't all for no reason, that at least something good came out of it, even if it was something small.

[Goomba]

It's pretty clear that there is a lot of BS on your husband's end.

However, I don't believe it is possible to have a fruitful relationship without it. It's important to recognize that while your husband certainly has a responsibility to work on things, your emotions are your own. No one makes you feel a certain way, we choose to feel the way we feel. Even if it is not a conscious process, on some level you are allowing various emotions, and at some point in life you have learned to manage problems (internal/external) with said emotions.

I'm fairly certain every relationship will bring forward challenges that trigger how you are feeling now. It may be through different avenues (cheating, wanting you to be a certain way, anxiety in the other partner, sexual problems, the possibilities are endless), but you will find this discomfort again. In my opinion, it is how couples grow, and learn to be true companions. You have to deal with the REAL stuff.

Or just shove it all under the bush, so neighbors can walk by and see your leave it to beaver family, with a white picket fence, and glistening smiles. As long as they don't see your pain, life is grand, yeah? The concepts we have of how relationships work aren't usually very healthy ones. The expectations we put on relationships often cripple them. If they make us feel out of control...well you know how that goes.

I'm not saying force yourself to be miserable, or really intentionally encouraging any action. But, you obviously remember what it feels like to love him, and he seems to feel the same, even though he is on a rollercoaster of his own. There has been effort on both of your parts to try to balance this situation out, and that is more than a lot of couples can say.

It will not always be nothing but rose fields and....whatever nice thing you want to use lol. If it were I would question the integrity of the relationship. Also, if it were, you would have concept that it was rose fields, it would just be normal. Then in ten years you would look back after something happened and be like man, I wish it was like when times were simpler. Conflict comes from genuinely caring about someone else.

Just remember in whatever you do, your emotions are your own. These issues will follow you until you grow beyond them.

NO ONE makes you unhappy but yourself.
NO ONE causes anxiety but yourself.

[Kuma]

It would be interesting to see your husband's reaction if you were to say: "How about I watch porn too -- so we both can feel satisfied -- and instead of picking between your religion or mine, how about we both become Buddhists -- sort of meeting on neutral ground."

Of course, I guess I know what his reaction would be. But my point is your husband should consider your values and your needs and your belief system to be of equal dignity with his own.

[mrslizzyg]

I am now sitting in my dads house, in my own bed, on my laptop as I write this..

Maybe I might seem like the girl who cried wolf or whatever...

But I left, and I did it on my own this time.

Instead of being filled with panic and anxiety like last week- I feel... relieved. This is how I remember feeling the first time I left. Is there sadness? Of course. But I feel like I am doing the right thing. I feel like I have exhausted all my options and that I truly have tried and given what I could to the marriage.

We mutually decided we could not reconcile all of this mess, after a long conversation. We both just have truly grown apart and want different things out of life... and I don't want to raise my future family in his religion. I don't care if its church even once a month, I cannot fathom the idea of my kids being raised in that church.

Just please send me your good thoughts and vibes.. I know I will have many ups and downs, and I am sure I will post here many of times about my feelings on the topic.. but I know I need to stay strong in what I think is right and what I want out of my life for myself..

I deserve better than what I was getting out of that marriage.

I deserve to be happy.

It's time to do some self-healing.. on my own..

[NixonRulz]

I believe you are doing the right thing, especially when you say that you deserve to be happy and want to self heal

The marriage didn't work out but I am sure you have no regrets for getting married. Lots of life lessons in our triumphs and disappointments.

That is what builds our character

You will do great. Just give it a bit of time :)

[superchick22684]

Sending you positive thoughts and vibes Lindsey. You do deserve to be happy. Hope that you can find that now.

[mrslizzyg]

I believe you are doing the right thing, especially when you say that you deserve to be happy and want to self heal

The marriage didn't work out but I am sure you have no regrets for getting married. Lots of life lessons in our triumphs and disappointments.

That is what builds our character

You will do great. Just give it a bit of time :)

It builds character, yes.. But honestly there is a part of me that would take it all back.

Thank you superchick :)

Nixon-wheres my airplane bottles of tequila? Haha