Desperately need employment advice

[ashes]

Obviously I'm new here, and I really could use some advice. I have yet to find help anywhere else and I really am not sure what to do.

I suffer from some sort of anxiety that I haven't fully come to understand yet. I know that I have social anxiety but I also feel I have generalized anxiety. With this of course, I have also suffered from depression.

I was coping pretty well until about 3 years ago. I haven't had a job since June of 2005. My husband and I moved to the Chicago area and my life has been spiraling downhil ever since. I went back to school in August of 05 to start my master's degree in paralegal studies. However, in December of 05 my best friend in the whole world passed away, my grandma. I have never dealt with loss and I can honestly say that that has been the worst thing I have ever experienced and most of the time I wish I could just leave this world and be with her.

In January of 06, I separated from my husband and moved in with my parents. I left mostly because of the loss of my grandma, but also because my husband and I don't really have a great marriage and I needed to get away. I took a year off of school and all I did during that year was have fun. However, by fun I mean I met another man and pretty much spent all of my time drinking with him and spending time with my family.

During that time I was on a high dose of Effexor and was basically a robot. I had no feelings whatsoever and didn't consider any of the consequences of my actions. I just wanted to forget about everything and that was my way of doing it.

I finally moved back in with my husband and started school again in January of 07. I didn't work at all during that time and I graduated with my degree in August of 07. However, because of everything that has happened I have let this anxiety completely take over me and I'm in such a deep state of depression I can barely function as a human being.

I actually got a job for a few days in November of 07 but I cried the whole way to work from fear and was hiding tears at work and crying uncontrollably the entire way home and to my husband when I got home. I have zero confidence in myself and I am terrified of what other people think of me. I always think that people are laughing at me, thinking bad things about me, and I honestly don't believe that I'm capable of doing anything. Even stapling papers for 8 hours a day sounds like I a job that I am not capable of doing. I have an extreme fear of failure.

Now, I have went to a few therapists during this time, none of which helped. They just wanted me to talk every visit, but they never said anything and never had anything to offer. I also spent a lot of money on a psychiatrist and she was worthless as well. She put me on Lexapro on the lowest dose for months, regardless of the fact that I repeatedly told her that it was not helping. She wouldn't budge and needless to say I left her.

Now I'm on my own, and I have no idea what to do next. My husband and I are going to be moving soon closer to our families, which I will be really excited about. For three years I have been isolated to my house and my husband (minus my time away at my familys'). I have met no one, we have no friends, and my husband is so lazy and wants to spend the rest of his life on the couch watching television.

I am a young, attractive, active person and I want a life. I want to pick myself up and get back to being a 20 something. I have no idea how to do this though. I'm afraid no one is going to look at me. I've sent out resumes and get no calls. Because of my anxiety, I am not able to call people, or go speak to them in person. I need to know if there are any resources out there to help people like me? I feel like I need someone to get the job for me, then I'll be perfectly fine once I get there. My big fear is having to speak to these intimidating people and sell myself, the problem is that I don't feel like I have anything to sell.

Help! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I don't even know where to begin....

[CinnamonSparkle]

Well, I could relate to the anxiety factor. I'm an anxious wreck! about everything. and you are your own therapist as well as enemy. I know it's easier said than done, but it's just in our minds, if we can just get over it. I read on here an advice to "visualize" a big red STOP sign in your head when you are getting panicky or anxious, or your thoughts are getting way out of control. Unfortunately, that's about the only thing that really calms me a little and only sometimes. Otherwise, if it's of any comfort, I'm in the same boat! Good luck though and wish you the best. I know how difficult it can be and just how easy it is to let it get a hold of your life.

[joey9]

Hi Ashes,

I find the whole employment issue to be a real minefield. On the one hand, if you have a half decent brain and an education there are certain expectations that you will have a particular kind of job, often with more responsibility than someone with anxiety would want. These types of jobs can cause a never ending stream of stress - fear of making mistakes, fear of failure, even fear of success. So even though on the outside you appear to be doing the job competently, inside the anxiety just keeps gnawing away, getting worse and making you feel ill. On the other hand, if you get a job stapling for 8 hours a day, you have the stress of not living up to your great education and all the expectations you and others have on you. And, as you say, you would probably find something to be worrying about - the stapling would be done incorrectly and have to be redone at great cost to the employer and everyone would think that you're useless. So what to do? I am currently doing the good job but suffering the stress (all internal stress - fear of failure/maladaptive perfectionism etc.) but I dream of a lovely job as a park ranger, spending the days outdoors checking on rabbit tracks and not having to actually speak to any human people during the course of the day. If I were braver I would retrain to do something that would make me really happy, rather than have a job that pushes all my anxiety buttons. On the other hand I could try to deal with all my issues so that I could be happier in my job but I haven't really made much progress on changing my root fears yet.
Anyway, that was a long post and sorry to say it offered no useful advice for you. I guess if I were to have my time again I would have been more proactive in doing things in my life that make me happy. If you love and want to stay with your husband but he doesn't want to do anything other than watch TV this shouldn't stop you having a life and hobbies and fun. There is nothing wrong with having different interests, albeit his are sitting at home - that's his choice.

[ashes]

Thank you both for your comments. I do understand what you are both saying. I think I have the ability to do what it takes, but I just don't have the confidence. I just need to work on that, and find resources that can actually help me.

And Joey, I also have thought about being a park ranger! Although, I must admit I am an animal lover and have always wanted to work outdoors. I wish I would have chosen that field to study as well. I would have nothing to fear but snake bites, not rude people! :)

[danstelter]

Because of my anxiety, I am not able to call people, or go speak to them in person. I need to know if there are any resources out there to help people like me? I feel like I need someone to get the job for me, then I'll be perfectly fine once I get there. My big fear is having to speak to these intimidating people and sell myself, the problem is that I don't feel like I have anything to sell.

Help! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I don't even know where to begin....

There is always a way to treat anxiety and improve. When you say that "I don't have anything to sell" that indicates to me that you have 0 self-esteem, despite the fact that you mentioned you were accepted to a graduate paralegal program (this indicates to me that you certainly have some talent). The best place for you to start is to start increasing your self-esteem. There are many different ways of doing this, and you can research them on the Internet. One way is to stand in front of a mirror and say five good things about yourself every morning. This may be hard to do at first, but give it some time and it will help. I used to feel the same way about myself, but now I feel like I can do anything in the world. Another way to increase self-esteem is to volunteer and do something you enjoy when doing so. You'll realize that you can make useful contributions in this way, and other people will be grateful for your help. You also talked about therapists that "didn't work" for you; try finding someone whose title is "counselor." Counselors talk to you and try to help you improve your thinking. And remember, you need to give them a chance too; they may seem as though they are unhelpful at first, but give them a chance because more often than not, a counselor gives useful information. Talking about your problems is what helps to solve them, and there is no shame in having problems because everyone has them. And, while it may sound mushy, it is true that everyone is worthwhile and can make useful contributions to our world. Finally, if things don't work the way you want them to at first, keep trying. Something good will happen if you keep working at it; this is one truism of life. And don't be hard on yourself; you are allowed to make mistakes and be imperfect because everyone makes them.

[chevychaze]

Your comment: I think I have the ability to do what it takes, but I just don't have the confidence.

I'm suffering from extreme anxiety, but in the opposite way. I can get the job, but anxiety doesn't allow me to do it. I get the job, and anxiety kicks in like you wouldn't believe. I have a tremor. The worse my anxiety is, the more my hands tremble. It makes it very noticeable. I don't know what I'm going to do. From what I gather it will never go away and you have to change the way you deal with it. With the tremor, this is even more difficult. I hate it.