squid
08-22-2015, 07:35 AM
Hi, my name is Savannah and I'm from the the midwest of the US. I'm 21 years old, and I'm currently pregnant.
A friend told me once, "I think to be a truly positive person, you need to be intimately familiar with the darker aspects of humanity".
This quote really hits home for me. It can be so hard to be positive when infested with crippling anxiety, yet I have such a yearning for the positive girl I was before faced with this disorder.
My anxiety began with a traumatic event. When I was 17, I had a pregnancy ridden with complications, and I delivered a stillborn child. I almost lost my own life as well, having emergency surgery and many months of recovery. I don't remember this time of my life well, but I know I rarely left bed and any ounce of positivity, ambition, motivation, or love I had before was gone.
Slowly I regained my health and got up to face the world, but with an arsenal of new challenges and a familiarity with the darkest aspect of humanity I had yet to experience. Each time I saw a happy family or a mother with her child, I just shut down inside. I became afraid to encounter anything that would trigger my emotions and send me back into depression, which was almost everything. This lasted almost a year until I was finally able to come to a peace and realized how I was missing out on the most fulfilling aspect of life, connecting with fellow humans, just because of my anxiety and fears of the pain it may cause.
I understood the idea that to be a truly positive person, I needed to be intimately familiar with the darkest aspects of humanity. If I could experience the shock of an unplanned pregnancy, work 40 hours a week with a smile on my face despite the horrible back pains and sleepless nights of a pregnant woman, and survive the loss of my precious child, then I knew I could face anything else I encountered with positivity. I was ready to embrace the world with empathy and compassion, yet a peace in knowing that there was a bigger picture, and that we can shed as many tears as we want as long as we still understand the great value of laughter.
However, I have come to realize there is a major roadblock in living out this beautiful mission I created for myself. Anxiety. Despite being a total people person and thriving off interacting with people, I can no longer be in crowded areas without having a panic attack, so I had to begin working from home. Panic attacks are also triggered by nearly anything related to doctors, hospitals, or medicine, loud noises, crying or screaming, and sleep (night terrors). I am in my first trimester of my second pregnancy, and I am constantly terrified that something will go wrong and hurt the baby. So, this had led to very obsessive tendencies to make sure everything is clean, everything I'm eating is clean, and I refuse to do anything I think will harm the baby. The first doctor's visit was a nightmare, and I can't imagine how I'll handle future doctor's visits (should I even mention giving birth). My blood pressure goes super high when I have a panic attack so I try to do everything I can to not have one, yet just thinking about how a panic attack will harm the baby gives me a panic attack. And of course most medications are off limits because of the pregnancy.
I realize this is a very long post and story to just be the introduction, so if I should put all this elsewhere please let me know. Anyway, hopefully someone can relate to this and just let me know I'm not crazy. Or that I am. Either way, I appreciate honesty.
I truly hope you all are finding some refuge in this place and that your healing process continues positively, no matter what stage you are in.
A friend told me once, "I think to be a truly positive person, you need to be intimately familiar with the darker aspects of humanity".
This quote really hits home for me. It can be so hard to be positive when infested with crippling anxiety, yet I have such a yearning for the positive girl I was before faced with this disorder.
My anxiety began with a traumatic event. When I was 17, I had a pregnancy ridden with complications, and I delivered a stillborn child. I almost lost my own life as well, having emergency surgery and many months of recovery. I don't remember this time of my life well, but I know I rarely left bed and any ounce of positivity, ambition, motivation, or love I had before was gone.
Slowly I regained my health and got up to face the world, but with an arsenal of new challenges and a familiarity with the darkest aspect of humanity I had yet to experience. Each time I saw a happy family or a mother with her child, I just shut down inside. I became afraid to encounter anything that would trigger my emotions and send me back into depression, which was almost everything. This lasted almost a year until I was finally able to come to a peace and realized how I was missing out on the most fulfilling aspect of life, connecting with fellow humans, just because of my anxiety and fears of the pain it may cause.
I understood the idea that to be a truly positive person, I needed to be intimately familiar with the darkest aspects of humanity. If I could experience the shock of an unplanned pregnancy, work 40 hours a week with a smile on my face despite the horrible back pains and sleepless nights of a pregnant woman, and survive the loss of my precious child, then I knew I could face anything else I encountered with positivity. I was ready to embrace the world with empathy and compassion, yet a peace in knowing that there was a bigger picture, and that we can shed as many tears as we want as long as we still understand the great value of laughter.
However, I have come to realize there is a major roadblock in living out this beautiful mission I created for myself. Anxiety. Despite being a total people person and thriving off interacting with people, I can no longer be in crowded areas without having a panic attack, so I had to begin working from home. Panic attacks are also triggered by nearly anything related to doctors, hospitals, or medicine, loud noises, crying or screaming, and sleep (night terrors). I am in my first trimester of my second pregnancy, and I am constantly terrified that something will go wrong and hurt the baby. So, this had led to very obsessive tendencies to make sure everything is clean, everything I'm eating is clean, and I refuse to do anything I think will harm the baby. The first doctor's visit was a nightmare, and I can't imagine how I'll handle future doctor's visits (should I even mention giving birth). My blood pressure goes super high when I have a panic attack so I try to do everything I can to not have one, yet just thinking about how a panic attack will harm the baby gives me a panic attack. And of course most medications are off limits because of the pregnancy.
I realize this is a very long post and story to just be the introduction, so if I should put all this elsewhere please let me know. Anyway, hopefully someone can relate to this and just let me know I'm not crazy. Or that I am. Either way, I appreciate honesty.
I truly hope you all are finding some refuge in this place and that your healing process continues positively, no matter what stage you are in.