Anxiety about going back to school

[Two One]

I haven't posted in a while, but it's been a hell of a summer... I've been struggling with severe anxiety since 2013. It became debilitating during November of 2013 through the first half of 2014. People who've read my previous threads know I made a seemingly miraculous recovery during summer 2014. It was great. I was almost completely anxiety free, I had few worries, and I was happy. This lasted for a while until my anxiety came roaring back once I got a job during March of this year. I quit the job and I've worked on my anxiety. I had one bad panic attack this summer back in June but from then on I started doing really well again. This prompted me to finally get back to school this fall, because I felt I was ready. Well...

I start school tomorrow and yesterday I became paralyzed by my anxiety. I felt awful. My mind was racing and all of these worst case scenarios popped into my head. My stomach was in knots, I was restless, lightheaded, and my chest was tight. I fought off a panic attack but I was essentially bedridden for the remainder of the day. I haven't felt that bad since February of 2014. I'm terrified. I'm having second thoughts about going to school this semester because maybe I'm just not ready. I'm so scared. I felt so bad yesterday that once again I struggled with my thoughts of suicide. I finally gave in and took a Klonopin last night and it calmed me down and helped me sleep.

Unfortunately, today my worries are back and I'm still questioning whether this is what's best for me. I feel overwhelmed, suffocated, and anxious. I'm looking for any kind of reassurance.

[JohnC]

Hi Two One, Give school a few days, what do you have to loose . I get that way before a meeting when i know that a lot of people will be attending and the possablity that may have to say something in front of them but once the the meeting is over all is good. Don't let your anxiety stop you from going.

[gypsylee]

Hi Two One,

Gee you get the anxiety bad hey? I can totally relate, though I'm not as bad anymore.

Have you tried any calming techniques like breathing? It just sounds like you get worked up and it becomes a vicious cycle ie. You're adding more fear to the mix with the racing thoughts and worst-case scenarios. The best way to break the cycle is with things like breathing and physical exercise. Klonopin and other benzos do it very well but obviously they're not a good long-term solution.

I was pretty anxious last night and I did 20 mins on the exercise bike and it really made a difference. I also chatted to a friend, watched something interesting on TV and laughed at some shit on Facebook. All of this stuff helps the nervous system settle down. What anxious people tend to do is get really caught up in their anxious thoughts and unintentionally make themselves feel worse. Anything that breaks that cycle is good but breathing and exercise are the best.

John's point of "what do you have to lose?" is good too. That's an example of changing your thought process. What's the worst that can happen if it doesn't work out at school?

All the best,
Gypsy x

[Two One]

I appreciate the responses, guys. Thank you. So here's an update on how everything went yesterday. When I initially got to school I was fine, I wasn't feeling very anxious but I was very over aware of how I felt physically and mentally. Once class started is when things got right. I haven't been in the classroom environment for quite some time, so having that many people around was very unsettling to say the least. I needed to have my "escape route" planned out in case I needed it. Then the lecture began and I became panicky. I was really agitated, my breathing was labored, my chest tightened up, my stomach was very jumpy and my muscles were tense beyond belief. I did my best to reassure myself and talk myself through it. I struggled with it for a while and there were a couple times where I thought I might have to step outside to take a breather but I never did. I finally settled in after about 30 - 45 minutes into the lecture and was able to get engaged into what we were talking about. My following classes were a little easier as far as anxiety goes, but I put myself under too much stress that I gave myself a headache. So as you can imagine that was fun. I also hadn't eaten anything up until that point. After my second class I went and got a snack and felt better. For the remainder of the day I was relatively ok but my anxiety was definitely still there. Sure enough later that night I became anxious again and worried about the next day. "Ok, I got through today now what will happen tomorrow?" Basically the way I was thinking.

And Gypsy, yes I'm actually pretty skilled at using deep breathing techniques to calm my anxiety. The only problem I face is doing it in the middle of class. I already feel like people look at me differently and know something is wrong with me. The last thing I want is for the to see me trying to calm myself and down and thinking, "What the hell is wrong with this guy?" I have a few skills that my therapist taught me that I really should use, but unfortunately when I'm so caught up in my anxiety like that it's hard to bring myself to do those things. I am also working on changing my thought process as well. That isn't too easy for me either. I'm one of those people that thinks my cynical view of the world is realistic.

[gypsylee]

Well done getting through that. I completely understand how it would be stressful being in a room with all those people. Hopefully it gets easier the more you do it :)