I am suffering, but I don't know what I have. Please help!!!

[cameron.p]

I've had a very rough upbringing from abusive parents, but up until a few years ago I thought that was a normal life to live. Now as an adult (23 years old) I am thrown into a world that I was never prepared to live in. This has caused me a great amount of stress, and some very severe depression.

Ive had this depression ever since I was a child, but as I have said I always thought that was a normal part of life and have managed it very well up until 3 weeks ago when I had my first panic attack. Ever since that panic attack, ive had a constant stream of attacks everyday. not full blown like my first one, but I feel the symptoms constantly (racing heart, choking, detatched from reality).

I am seeing a therapist, and she has said that my anxiety and depression has turned into a panic disorder. She thinks it has been caused by how much death has happened around me. in the last 6 months, 2 good friends of mine have died from cancer, and my grandmother has died from cancer. my girlfriend cheated on me during this time as well, and 2 weeks ago my co-worker died.

Due to Kaisers fucking awful service in my situation, I can only see my therapist once every 6 weeks. She scheduled an appointment for a psychologist to get me on medication, but my appointment for that is in another month. I feel like i wont be able to make it that long.

I been looking up everything I can about anxiety disorders, and what I feel does feel like an anxiety disorder, but I dont know why suddenly after my panic attacks I feel like I am completely losing control of my mind. I dont get flashbacks or hallicinations or anything like that, but i feel like my mind just wants to destroy my world. All i ever think about is dying, but I don't want to. i want to be alive, and I want to live as long as I can, but all i think about is death. I think about my own death a lot. I don't know if this is suicidal thoughts, but they are terrifying. I am trying to continue my life as best as I can, but living with these thoughts feels like torture. I cant escape them, there is no where i can go to get rid of them. I keep trying to live in the present but they keep flooding in.

I am starting to feel like I need to put myself in a hospital, but i have responsibilities at work and no money to pay for such a thing. I am feeling very trapped in my own body. I dont know what to do or if this is normal for anxiety disorders. I never felt these feelings to this extreme prior to my panic attack 3 weeks ago, but ever since its been a living hell. does this pass? is this normal? or do i really need to get myself to a hospital? this is fucking scary

[NixonRulz]

Everything you list is normal with anxiety. Obsessive thoughts about your topic of choice can cause you to feel like you can't turn them off. That is just part of the cycle. People pick different things to obsess on. My personal choice was heart attacks and crippling back problems. Then came the intrusive thoughts which takes that shit to a whole new level

It is great that you are researching anxiety disorders. That is what is going on and nothing more so don't start thinking this is somehow unique to you since it is textbook.

The reason it started may be all the death around you and understandably so but you will do yourself no favors by dwelling on the symptoms anxiety causes

Anxietycoach.com A great place to learn to understand and overcome panic and anxiety

Be well!

[carlak]

Hi,

I'm not sure if this will help but I also experience obsessive thoughts on "Am I busy losing my mind and going crazy", until it feels as though nothing around me is real, not even people. It is very scary and frightening! You are not losing your mind, and it's all just the anxiety trying to trick you into thinking that this is it...compelling you to be stuck in your own mind and thoughts thus feeding the anxiety. I know this might sound strange and you're probably wondering if this is real, and nothing will make it better. I can tell you that it will get better, but all good things take time and to recover from anxiety takes a lot of time. I'm still struggling (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), but I try to just take it day by day in the hope that I will wake up one morning and it will all be in the past. Maybe you can do research into Cognitive Behavior Therapy - I've just started and it seems like the preferred treatment method in the treating of anxiety disorders. Maybe just drop your Therapist an email suggesting this and hear what she has to say? Oh, and I also do breathing exercises. lol. Good luck and try to interact with as many people/ family/ or friends - as difficult as this might be- it can help you be more "grounded". All the best.

[cameron.p]

Thank you guys for taking the time to write me. It has done wonders for me, I appreciate it very much. I spent a lot of yesterday trying to tell myself positve affirmations, and it was working for the most part. I still feel these thoughts lingering, but knowing that its all part of my current condition gives me hope that I can beat this. I don't have much support or anyone to talk to about this other than my therapist, so these replies have helped me tremendously

[gardensparrow]

Hi cameron~I just caught this post, and I'm sorry you've been through so much recently with the deaths of your loved ones, and then facing this anxiety and panic attacks. But I'm glad you found some encouragment from this forum. It does make a huge difference just to know you're not alone. So, along those lines, have you ever thought of seeing if there's a support group you could meet up with in your area? Maybe your counselor could recommend something or a local church might have some recommendations? But it should be free of charge and I'm sure any others you meet struggling with anxiety could offer you some suggestions on finding the best local help. Just a thought. Also, in those moments you do find yourself struggling with thoughts of death, it doesn't hurt to call something like the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255) and just talk with someone about how you're feeling. I also know there's organizations out there like The Dawson McAllister Hopeline or Focus on the Family that you could look up online, and they offer free help/counseling over the phone. So, just some options to think about if you ever need to talk with someone right away. But I'm glad you're here and I hope things keep improving for you.