the need for control

[mrslizzyg]

I think my BIGGEST downfall with my anxiety, is my need to be in control of everything.

If I have a plan, and that plan doesn't go exactly and I wanted it to- my anxiety just takes right over and I freak out. It doesn't have to be a big plan either! It can be as simple as that I had a show that started on TV 5 minutes ago, but the TV is still being used so I have to wait to watch it- automatic anxiety brain freak out. I don't always voice it on the outside but I sure as hell feel the panic on the inside.

It's really exhausting, and I know it's very unrealistic..

This is the biggest thing I am trying to improve on. My anxiety only flares up in sync with my hormones or in an overly stressful situation- EXCEPT with this stupid control issue I have.

I know in the deepest part of me control is really just an illusion anyways- we never have completely control over anything except our own choices in life(with anxiety even that is questionable sometimes.) Everything else is left to chance... Yet my brain seems to want to hang on to the idea that I CAN control things and if I don't, I have failed.

Anyone else struggle with this? Any advice?

[Goomba]

Hey I made this thread once!

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?32170-The-Need-for-Control

Control is often our coping mechanism for anxiety - the thing that makes us feel out of control the most. Planning out the details of our days suggests that we will be able to minimize exposure to unwanted conditions.

Though, it all has a catch 22...

The need to control to that degree is a manifestation of anxiety, not us minimizing it. So, although it may seem like , say, planning a work day to go a specific way to avoid panic attacks is a good way to avoid anxiety (which I suppose it can be in short term anxiety recovery), long term, the individual will find that they are anxious about being anxious. "I fear (anxious) what may happen at work, so I will plan a way to avoid triggers (anxious), and when something happens that doesn't go my way I then become, (anxious).

Really, the anxiety was present 100 percent of the time, even if the individual wasn't aware of it. It is a vicious cycle.

If that makes sense? I just woke up lol. I usually type these posts with coffee.

But, really, I think awareness of this dynamic is at the pinnacle of anxiety recovery, so I believe it is a good thing you are talking about it.

Thanks for you words on my other thread, by the way :).

[mrslizzyg]

Nice! That thread was a great read, thanks.

Yea that makes sense, pre-coffee typing and all. (what a risk by the way haha..)

It just makes it hard because I cause a lot of unnecessary issues sometimes... It is SO hard for me to "go with the flow" sometimes, when I used to pride myself on being that kind of person! I like being laid back and not freaking out when my "plan" doesn't go correctly.

I almost feel like a 4- year old wanting to throw a temper tantrum after my plans (whatever they may be) go awry. Thankfully I rarely do throw a tantrum(or panic attack) but I still feel it in my head and it drives me nuts.

[Goomba]

I mean, as I'm sure you realize, going with the flow comes with the lack of need to control the external world. I imagine that when you were more easygoing in that sense, the same need for control wasn't present.

It's interesting, that we (humans) can have the arrogance to think that we can control the world. When you take a second to analyze it, you don't have to do much processing to realize that the entire notion of controlling outwardly (the world, environment, others, etc) is a complete sham. It is fundamentally impossible, yet we tend to prefer that over inner control, and giving up the need for it.

I theorize that it is due to the fact that inner control is a much more difficult mastery.

IE: " I can't regulate my emotions, and it is too painful to confront the depths of why I am experiencing so many emotions. Therefore, I will tell you what not to do to make it easier to handle my emotions.

But, there is no consistency in that! One can't guarantee that another won't perform actions, or that the weather will be a certain way, or the tv will be available ( :p ).

Yet, I believe that style of coping with the external world is preferred because it is easier than admitting that the individual has things to work on. And, it is MUCH easier than the process of confronting the depths of our insecurities.

Fascinating.

The only real control on an inward level, and that is largely based on giving up the need to control, and just having a solid sense of self/identity.

Through throwing away control, it is gained.

[gypsylee]

I'm reading this atm and it's very good: http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990

Anything on Mindfulness/Buddhism is good for control issues but this one is really well written.

:)

[gadguy]

I used to do same thing, complete control freak and felt I was responsible for everyone. Finally I let it go, not completely but mostly. I used to give big Halloween parties.....I had to do all the food because I trusted know one to do it right and decorating and cleaning afterwards......it wore me out and made a huge dent in my wallet. Finally I quit...now I take a cruise and let someone else do the driving for Halloween. I also worried about everyone I knew, were they OK, were they getting by...how are they handling their money etc...........Finally I have and am trying to let most of that go...I keep repeating "not my circus, not my monkeys".

Also I do not plan as much...I am becoming more comfortable with no plan and just rolling with it.

[mrslizzyg]

IE: " I can't regulate my emotions, and it is too painful to confront the depths of why I am experiencing so many emotions. Therefore, I will tell you what not to do to make it easier to handle my emotions.

This right here.. sounds like me perfectly. I feel like if I control the event/person/thing from doing whatever it is that would upset me, I don't have to worry about the emotions I would feel.. so therefore I chose to try and control instead of deal with the emotions. In a nutshell. I also know how control is just an illusion, so I'm trying to figure out a better way to NOT get so upset when I can't have the control. I'm doing better at catching myself, but not doing better at how I feel about letting go of the control.. if that makes sense.

Gypsy- I will check that out. Thank you.

Gadguy- I hope I can start to be more like that! lol

[gypsylee]

"Not my circus, not my monkeys" - great saying! :)

[Goomba]

This right here.. sounds like me perfectly. I feel like if I control the event/person/thing from doing whatever it is that would upset me, I don't have to worry about the emotions I would feel.. so therefore I chose to try and control instead of deal with the emotions. In a nutshell. I also know how control is just an illusion, so I'm trying to figure out a better way to NOT get so upset when I can't have the control. I'm doing better at catching myself, but not doing better at how I feel about letting go of the control.. if that makes sense. Gypsy- I will check that out. Thank you. Gadguy- I hope I can start to be more like that! lol

So then the question becomes, when will you confront the emotional issues, and why do you currently resist them?

Address that and the control issues will mend as a consequence.