Need SERIOUS Help

[digital_J]

Need SERIOUS Help

After struggling with my illness by myself for nearly 8 years I've finally decided to reach out and seek some real help. I'm a 29 year old male that's been dealing with panic attacks off an on for about as long as I can remember. But it's only been in the last few years that they've become debilitating. I'll try and keep this short: About 8 years ago, for whatever reason I don't understand, the trigger for my attacks became eating. Whenever I would swallow food, it would trigger an attack. Needless to say this became very disruptive very quickly. As an avoidance strategy I just...stopped eating altogether. An awful idea I know, but it was all I could think of to avoid having the attacks multiple times a day.

So I lost a bunch of weight, basically becoming a walking skeleton, and ended up having to stay in the hospital for a few days after passing out until I was stable. From then on my diet has been incredibly restricted. The only things I can eat without having an anxiety attack is soup. I make some solid foods to go along with it. But instead of eating them like a normal human being, I chew them up and spit them into the trash. I just can't bring myself to willingly swallow any solid food anymore, even though I KNOW I've gained and lost measureable weight since this all started. I've been as low as 115 and as high as 135. The numbers on the scale don't mean a thing to me. The only thing I care about is eating correctly and getting healthy again.

While I willingly acknowledge the fact that I need professional help with these issues, I simply can't afford it. The eating disorder has prevented me from working out of fear for my health and safety. I can't really take medication, it all comes in pills which I don't like taking anyway in additton to the money issue. Since I've gone so long trying to help myself with no real progress, I've decided to open up and share my situation, and hopefully someone will be able to help me get back to normal. I know I've probably left out some details so I'll answer questions if nessecary. But I'm obviously in desperate need of real help ASAP. Also, sorry for the super-long post!

[MiST]

What are your anxiety's about swallowing? Choking?

[digital_J]

No, it's not that. This is one of the things that's difficult to explain. But it's not a fear of choking. It's solid food that causes the attacks. And it's not that I'm swallowing big pieces of food or anything; I'm chewing the hell out of everything I DO attempt to eat (my teeth have gotten pretty bad recently in fact :( ) And when I don't notice I've swallowed anything solid, I'm fine. I mentioned in my first post that I've weighed as much as 135 pounds recently, so logically I had to be eating something substantial in order to gain that weight.

[MiST]

Is it the actual physical sensation of larger items of food passing down your throat?

Have you spoken to a health care prfessional about this?

[simslover]

That's scary and sad. Are you in therapy right now?

[fortizboriqua]

I posted a thread yesterday that is called "A clear explanation of Anxiety and Panic disorder and how to beat it." This post would be very helpful to you because it explains Panic disorder in a way that doctors don't. It is a summary of how I beat panic disorder. I really encourage you to read it because it will explain exactly why you get panic attacks after eating. And I actually used an example that is quite similar to what you are going through. Ultimately, you think that you are getting panic attacks because of what you eat or eating in general. But in reality that is not the case. You get panic attacks because you fear panic attacks. What I have learned is that Panic disorder is a fear of symptoms driven illness because the symptoms are so horrific. What is happening is you have programmed your brain to think that if you eat you will get a panic attack. But in reality after you eat you subconsciously look for a panic attack to happen with fear. When you look for the panic with fear it will come and when it does you become more fearful. And you paying attention to it with fear fuels it. The hardest part is losing the fear of the symptoms. The way that you do it is try to ignore the symptoms when they come. Divert your attention away from your symptoms. The doctors tell you to use cognitive exercises. My exercise was prayer. The minute I felt a panic attack come on I would immediately begin to pray and try to envision an image of Jesus with His arms up staring down upon me while I was praying to Him. The minute I diverted my attention to Jesus and away from the panic attack it would immediately go away. It takes time and a lot of strength to lose the fear. The symptoms don't go away immediately once your fear is lost. It takes months. When I lost fear my symptoms it would still come on and I would treat it like I don't care about it. I would just continue to focus on the things that I was doing event though it was still pounding me. I got pissed at it and told it that it will not control me. And if I was normal once I would be normal again. I hope this helps and I will pray for you. Remember to look for my summary.

[digital_J]

MiST- No. It's more of...ok, think about when you start eating a meal. You know that sensation you get in your stomach after you start, that almost kind of churning when the food hits your stomach and digestion starts? Yeah, THAT's when the panic attacks start. BTW, this is one of the hardest parts of explaining my situation to anyone, and the part where people start to look at me like I'm just stupid or crazy. Not accusing you of doing that at all, but it's probably why it's taken me so long to seek actual help. I've spoken to a couple doctors. They tell me it's all in my head and there's nothing physically wrong with me.

simslover- Thank you. No, I'm not in therapy. I was briefly, but I only had a little bit of money when this all started and it dried up very quickly. Unfortunately, professionals won't help for free despite insistence that they'll "get you through this". I try not to be bitter about it, still hurts though :(

fortizboriqua- Thank you. I'll definitely check your post out when I get a minute. I'm not really religious (that's a whole other issue that I'm not going to get into right now), but I truly am appreciative of the support and prayer.

[silver lining]

digital_J, I totally hear you. I have the exact same problem. I've gone through all kinds of tests and they have found nothing physically wrong with my throat or brain. The problem is purely psychological. Have you had a traumatic event happen in your life just prior to the swallowing problem? Maybe months or weeks before? Thats what happened to me. Your story sounds familiar. I have found that meditation, self control, self hypnosis, relaxation, yoga, all helps very well. It's basically taking the time out of each day to cure your own mind. DO NOT depend on doctors to help you. They are only trained to throw meds at you and do guess work. I also highly recommend seeking a natural-pathic doctor, maybe someone trained in Chinese medicine. It all works believe me. You MUST take the time to heal yourself. On top of that, eat very nutritious foods. Only shop at health food stores for yourself. It's costly but worth it. The little food you can manage to get in has to be rich in nutrients. I eat superfood smoothies, helps me heaps! But solid foods will come back. Just trust that it will. Good luck friend.