The Isolation Train Keeps Chugging Along

[sae]

Dealt with a spot of stress, had a little breakdown, and feeling like I have taken a few steps back.

I am often hell-bent on not wallowing in self pity. It does me no good to lament my misfortune, yet sometimes it seems like life has a good old time kicking me in my giant pasty ass. It has been a recurring theme over the course of the last 15 years that those closest to me seem to bring the greatest strife. Perhaps one of my greatest assets turns into my Achilles' Heel, that being that I will always do what i feel is the right thing no matter how uncomfortable I am made in the process. I have no real method of emotional self preservation outside of isolation. It makes me easy to manipulate, easy to fool, yet I am well intelligent enough to see it occurring too. It comes down to establishing boundaries with others. This, i believe, is where I am at a great disadvantage.
I approach the world with the logic that all people will ultimately act in the best interests of those around them, as I try valiantly to do myself. As I learn and grow, however, I find that this is often not the case. I am confused, befuddled by the inherently self-centric nature of people. To set certain boundaries, to say "No, I won't clean up your mess, do it yourself" flies in the face of a moral core I seem unable to deviate from. Finding myself unable to establish boundaries and tear myself away from this obsession with altruism, I often fill up with bullshit, retreat into the confines of somewhere quiet and solitary, and regroup.
This cycle is exhausting, frustrating, depressing. I think the only way to break away from it is to re-write my moral core, yet I am certain abridging it would also re-write my purpose as well. At the end of the day, no matter how awful the world seems to be, I can find myself at peace at least knowing I have done everything I can with both grace and civility.
Yesterday I visited my late husband's mother for her birthday. I drove almost two hours without A/C in 101 degree weather, carefully adjusting a grandiose bouquet of red roses each time I hit a bump. I arrived, soaked in sweat, out of breath, clutching the slightly wilted roses and I rang the bell. I stood outside her door for nearly 20 minutes before she finally answered. She scowled at the flowers, remarked on my unkempt appearance yet I kept smiling. I knew during our lunch she would ultimately bring up her son and my role in his taking his own life. I left our lunch feeling down-right broken, exhausted, a heaviness in my chest as my douchebag heart struggled to keep up with the oppressive heat. Why do i keep doing this to myself? I asked aloud. The answer, of course, was because no one else will. I was the only visitor she would receive on her birthday. My wilted flowers and budget lunch would be the only gifts she would be given.
Sometimes I think my isolation is the only way I can cope with a world that seems to out of sync with my own idealogies. I don't fear being hurt. I have been hurt enough that it seems to bother me less and less each time. It is the manner in which it repeats that I struggle with. I ultimately turn inward, wondering if being surrounded by self-centric sorts is something I just plain deserve. The answer, logically, is no. I have far too much love and respect for myself to believe I deserve such a thing.
I will break out of this cycle of isolation once my moral core and setting boundaries with others can play nice. The trouble is getting there. How does one set boundaries with other people without abandoning altruism when it seems the idea of altruism is something long faded from others' memory?

[anxietyauntie]

Reading your post brought something to mind... How much of your time do you spend focusing on making others happy, and how much do you spend on your own happiness?
I know that on the face of this it seems that this flies in the face of altruism, but hear me out! I promise it is not as selfish as it seems.

Can you truly help other people with their problems, and their lives, if you are not happy in your own? And more important, altruism aside, is it really your role in life to do so?

I spend ALOT of time putting everyone else before me. My fiance does no chores, and I do them all. All the cooking, cleaning, ensuring the car is sorted, the insurance is paid, the groceries are purchased. EVERYTHING. As a result, when I was sick this week (knocked down by a flu - winter here in the southern hemisphere), there was no cooked meals, the dishes didn't get done and the house is a tip. I have come to a realisation that I am spending so much time trying to make him happy, that I am stressing myself out to get all the things done in the house. And yet, when I am sick, he doesn't know to automatically pick up the chores, because why would he? That's my job. He is so reliant on me doing the yucky things in life, that I just do them. I have created a child in my fiance who is truly reliant on me, and I have created stress in my life that really doesn't need to be there.

I know that this is nothing like your story above, but here is the thing - I know you went to see your late husband's mother because you felt it was the right thing to do. Yet in the process, you made yourself miserable, and can you say she was truly happy? Even if she was, is it your responsibility to ensure her happiness?

I know none of this is giving you answers, but I am hoping it will at least help you question how much altruism is truly about making others happy, and how much of it is about having a happy life that then spreads out onto other people in your life. Sometimes you have to start at home, before you can spread love and support anywhere else.

[Im-Suffering]

I left our lunch feeling down-right broken, exhausted, a heaviness in my chest as my douchebag heart struggled to keep up with the oppressive heat.

I never quoted all of the content in your posts, because most of it is self-talk and filler, or talking aloud - releasing, but every so often I catch you in a belief that is unhealthy.

I behoove you, again, to love your heart. And you know why. It is your companion that you cannot do without. I say 'again' because I have addressed you directly many times, with never a response. I have no way to tell if you are 'listening'.

You call your heart a 'douchebag' because you hate (in your terms) what it has done to you. Hate is always backed by fear, no exceptions. People have had miraculous and swift remissions and turnarounds simply with a 'change of heart', or a 'transplant' of feelings'. There is no such thing as a 'faulty ticker' that is not backed first by repression, guilt, shame, or any of the other anti-life destructive false beliefs. The body works in tandem with the mind.

On a lesser note, altruism perverts its 'purpose' if accompanied by resentment. And ultimately remorse. You cannot build up another when you yourself feel defeated. Again I have given you the concept of mirrors. Other people reflect back your own beliefs, attitudes, emotions and feelings. Don't expect to do good deeds, when you feel crappy about doing them. That's not altruism.

There is no such thing as completely 'selfless' and so the religious sect who developed and worked at spreading that term, misinterpreted scripture and therefor distorted it. Self love, self care, self first, is the prime motive for all creative action, you then project your good inner feelings upon others, they will feel good, because you feel good, about you. The term 'selfish' is misunderstood here. 'Selfish' is healthy, in greater terms. History books are filled with great accomplishments that were, at first, selfish. Great utilitarian inventions as you know them, the lightbulb, the telephone, the computer, electricity, came from that great creative inner thrust of self-expression. Often that same creative expression (the motive for action) is repressed in your life (as well as many readers here), in lieu of some phony distorted self-concept, which was built upon the foundation of abuse, rather than a respect for your own integrity, value and innate birthright. (the right to live).

Yes, to live, is your birthright.

So altruism (as it was meant) follows as naturally as a breath, the 'selfish' (what is in the highest regard) acts of the individual - acting in his own best interests, with love for self. What starts seemingly as selfishness, winds up selfless.

You are right in that working toward re-writing your 'code' is constructive.

Sae, let me know if you have 'felt' this post, with a quick 'yes'.