Hocd

[cj165]

Have in the past suffered from major anxiety about death and would constantly convince myself that I was going to die from some horrible terrible disease or problem. So much so, that I would literally believe that I had a brain tumor or cancer.

Well after months of therapy and basically just distraction I suppose, I've gotten better.
All my life I have been straight. I love boys, literally love them.
Well the other day I was sitting with friends and the thought came into my head, "what if I kissed her?" But immediately I said to myself "why in the WORLD would I ever think that?" And ever since then I cannot get the thought out of my head.

I have become so anxious that I'm starting to believe that I am most definitely gay and that there's no way I'm not. I can even picture myself kissing members of the same sex even though I don't want to at all. Every time I think "I am gay" the proceeding thought is "oh no oh no oh no".

I will work myself up so much over this, that I have come to the conclusion that I must be in denial about my sexual orientation because I can't stop thinking about how I must be gay.

The thing is, I really don't want to be. But whenever I think about it I say to myself that I am. And like my brain doesn't allow myself to think the right way anymore.

I can't even look at a male without thinking "am I attracted to them?" Now.

When I used to look at men and practically drool.

Is this Hocd or am I gay? I am so scared.

[Kuma]

I am no psychologist -- but it sounds to me like the same sort of anxiety that you had about disease or death is now tormenting you about sexual orientation. I don't think all this means you are straight or you are gay, but it is just something that your mind latches on to, or fixates on, to give you something to be anxious about. Those of us with anxiety -- our minds seem to crave having something to be anxious about. (Even though what we would really love is NOT to be anxious about anything).

If sometimes you think you are attracted to guys, and then sometimes to girls -- or you just wonder "what if...." -- just let yourself think those things without worrying about the thoughts. They are just thoughts. They don't mean you are gay (or straight). They are just things that come into your mind. Once you decide that "there's nothing wrong with these thoughts" -- then the thoughts will lose their power over you.

And, in the end, whether you are straight or gay does not matter very much, in 2015. People of all sexual orientations live happy and fulfilling lives. So there's no need to fear that you are gay or that you are straight. Its all good, either way.

[Im-Suffering]

what kuma said.

she in that moment, felt love for another human being. affinity, belonging, acceptance, caring, friendship - love. so the intuitive thought was to do what a human does, touch, affection, kiss, hug, whatever, a natural expression from a feeling, if she hadn't suppressed it.

the OP would do well to separate the stigma of sexuality, from just honest loving another person. feeling who she is in the moment. and expressing that.

big no > repression

big yes to expression

I am not suggesting to reach out and grab her, planting one on the lips, but to honor your feelings, maybe give her a hug, tell her you love her, etc. transmute the thought into something you can work with. if you let the moment go, deny yourself natural expression, youll wind up with all sorts of mental conflicts, as is the case now.