lechuzzles
07-25-2015, 02:55 PM
Hello.
OK, where to start.
I suffer from anxiety (naturally!), and in hindsight, have done for most of my life. I didn't have the worst childhood, I was well looked-after and never physically abused or anything, but I grew up with a lot of negativity, anger, and aggression in my life. My father would constantly (and still does) emotionally abuse, dictate, and belittle my mother, whom I was very protective of. I won't go into too many details but suffice to say, though it wasn't the worst childhood, it wasn't the best or most loving either. From an early age I was very familiar with hostility.
Despite this, I was always very positive. I was top of my class pretty much all the way through my education, and I use to see that as my 'ticket out', as it were, that I would one day make a success of myself in spite of the difficult familial relationships I had endured. At 22 I graduated university with first class honours, and since then, that illusion has faded somewhat. Like most graduates, I struggled to find the kind of work I wanted (and four years later, still haven't really), and each day feel less and less of a success. Stemming from this, my anxiety has grown and grown, almost as if it was just on 'pause' whilst I held on to an idealistic solution (graduating, getting a job, moving out, etc.). I believe now that the idea of 'success' was really the only tonic I had. Now that I no longer have that feeling of extrinsic achievement as a smokescreen, I look within and see issues I have avoided dealing with.
I feel low a lot, and on some days feel nothing, and do nothing. I used to feel like a dynamic, tenacious, and fun individual. Now I feel like my personality is draining away amidst worries, loneliness, and a feeling of failure - not just in academic or career terms, but in social, relationship, and basic life satisfaction. The more I become aware of this, the more my anxiety flares up, and ultimately the sadder and more desolate I feel. It's a horrible circle. This has affected my career (I feel I am too paralysed by a fear of the unknown to make a 'jump'), my family life (increasingly more distant), relationships (numerous failed brief flings), and even my sex life.
Only in the last couple of years do I feel like I have really acknowledged that I might have a problem. Only in the past few months have I attempted to do anything about it. I have never discussed any of this with my doctor, though recently I did sign up for the NHS' Talking Therapies, and was referred to their online Silvercloud programme. This has helped me identify (but not necessarily deal with) some of my issues. It's not necessarily what I expected, but I guess I do see a positive outcome eventually.
I rarely talk to anybody about this. I'm very withdrawn, and always have been. Very often I just can't verbalise it, or maybe subconsciously just don't want to. I have begun to open up a little to those around me, but still find truthful discussions about myself to be mountainous to overcome. I think a lot of this can be attributed to guilt. I'm not depressed - I understand that depression is a serious mental condition owing to more that simply feeling low - so I'm hasty to ever confess that I may have a problem lest it be compared to somebody in more serious a situation. I also burden myself a lot, so struggle with the concept of weighing down others with my troubles.
All stuff I am fully aware is nonsense in theory, but the thoughts are deeply ingrained.
This is why I am here I guess, to discuss it with a little more anonymity amongst people that understand what I'm saying a little better. After years of burying my head in the sand, I really want to tackle this.
Anyway, needless to say there's a lot more I could pile into this introduction, but you get the idea. I'm looking forward to reading through some of your posts on here.
Thanks for reading!
OK, where to start.
I suffer from anxiety (naturally!), and in hindsight, have done for most of my life. I didn't have the worst childhood, I was well looked-after and never physically abused or anything, but I grew up with a lot of negativity, anger, and aggression in my life. My father would constantly (and still does) emotionally abuse, dictate, and belittle my mother, whom I was very protective of. I won't go into too many details but suffice to say, though it wasn't the worst childhood, it wasn't the best or most loving either. From an early age I was very familiar with hostility.
Despite this, I was always very positive. I was top of my class pretty much all the way through my education, and I use to see that as my 'ticket out', as it were, that I would one day make a success of myself in spite of the difficult familial relationships I had endured. At 22 I graduated university with first class honours, and since then, that illusion has faded somewhat. Like most graduates, I struggled to find the kind of work I wanted (and four years later, still haven't really), and each day feel less and less of a success. Stemming from this, my anxiety has grown and grown, almost as if it was just on 'pause' whilst I held on to an idealistic solution (graduating, getting a job, moving out, etc.). I believe now that the idea of 'success' was really the only tonic I had. Now that I no longer have that feeling of extrinsic achievement as a smokescreen, I look within and see issues I have avoided dealing with.
I feel low a lot, and on some days feel nothing, and do nothing. I used to feel like a dynamic, tenacious, and fun individual. Now I feel like my personality is draining away amidst worries, loneliness, and a feeling of failure - not just in academic or career terms, but in social, relationship, and basic life satisfaction. The more I become aware of this, the more my anxiety flares up, and ultimately the sadder and more desolate I feel. It's a horrible circle. This has affected my career (I feel I am too paralysed by a fear of the unknown to make a 'jump'), my family life (increasingly more distant), relationships (numerous failed brief flings), and even my sex life.
Only in the last couple of years do I feel like I have really acknowledged that I might have a problem. Only in the past few months have I attempted to do anything about it. I have never discussed any of this with my doctor, though recently I did sign up for the NHS' Talking Therapies, and was referred to their online Silvercloud programme. This has helped me identify (but not necessarily deal with) some of my issues. It's not necessarily what I expected, but I guess I do see a positive outcome eventually.
I rarely talk to anybody about this. I'm very withdrawn, and always have been. Very often I just can't verbalise it, or maybe subconsciously just don't want to. I have begun to open up a little to those around me, but still find truthful discussions about myself to be mountainous to overcome. I think a lot of this can be attributed to guilt. I'm not depressed - I understand that depression is a serious mental condition owing to more that simply feeling low - so I'm hasty to ever confess that I may have a problem lest it be compared to somebody in more serious a situation. I also burden myself a lot, so struggle with the concept of weighing down others with my troubles.
All stuff I am fully aware is nonsense in theory, but the thoughts are deeply ingrained.
This is why I am here I guess, to discuss it with a little more anonymity amongst people that understand what I'm saying a little better. After years of burying my head in the sand, I really want to tackle this.
Anyway, needless to say there's a lot more I could pile into this introduction, but you get the idea. I'm looking forward to reading through some of your posts on here.
Thanks for reading!