My Anxiety Has Caused Me to Seriously Contemplate Suicide

[Hnx]

To put it out there: I've started contemplating suicide. I'm a very fortunate person. I have a family who loves me and a great job where I am doing well and on the apparent path to be very successful. For these reasons I feel bad about having the disorders I have that are holding me back and may ruin the rest of my life. I have always had social anxiety from the time was a kid. I think it was part hereditary and part from being bullied and not having any friends (I still struggle to make friends outside of work, which is odd because I'm well liked by my peers at work).

About a year ago, after getting very healthy and in shape, I had this onset of constant nausea and then anxiety attacks that put me in the hospital for a week. I haven't been the same ever since. I've had all the tests you can imagine at the time to rule out physical issies. The anxiety is terrible at times and my brain will only think about the worst things over and over until it pushes me over the edge. Pretty much 24/7 I'm thinking of my anxiety and stomach nausea and it has taken over my life. Before wasn't afraid of public speaking, but the other day I left work early before I couldn't do an easy presentation because I was having a terrible panic attack about having to do it. I can't enjoy anything and my job is beginning to suffer because of this terrible anxiety. My nausea mixes with my anxiety and then I have this fear of throwing up in the meeting or during the presentation and it spirals out of control and only can think about that and that it renders me unable to act or throws me into a panic attack. I also had to leave another work event early because that happened to me. Although I used to have social anxiety never feared public speaking like this.

It is so stupid that feel this way when have all the cards lined up for me. People are suffering so much worse than me and struggle with so much more that I am befuddled how this is stopping me in my tracks. And if things end with my work because of this I'm totally in trouble as have over 200k in student debt that I need this job (which do truly like) to pay for.

On top of it all I'm single, not the most attractive person but not ugly, and my busy life makes it difficult to meet people. I don't see that changing anytime soon and likely end up never getting married or having a family in my current life circumstance.

Why am laying all this out? Well I've evaluated it all and determined that maybe ending it all isn't the worst idea considering that I see my future holding a friendless and loveless life with maybe a high paying job and worst I'd have the anxiety a and stomach issues continue forever, which I couldn't bear. Once it becomes apparent at my job that cant function to do presentations or meetings because of my anxiety that is over and then I'm laced with endless debt and an inability to do anything because of my disorder.

I used to be afraid of death, but you realize that it happens eventually for everyone anyway. If that is the case, then why wait through the pain? Why not expedite the process and see what happens (there is either an afterlife or not and that won't change whether I live until tomorrow or if love until 100). Also, I'm not very religious so the consequences of suicide under that school of thought are not really a deterent.I know that don't want to live like this and mental disorders are way more serious than the public recognizes.

Ultimately, I feel trapped on this road and can either continue going down the path or get off. Nothing on that path seems worth it to me in my current condition.

[mrslizzyg]

First and foremost, before I write anything else, I really hope you do not decided to go through with suicide. You seem like a very smart, and well rounded individual, who has a lot of potential in life.


You need to stop comparing yourself to what "other" people go through. Yes, there are starving children in Africa, or people with cancer that are dying- there is ALWAYS something worse. But what about that makes your struggle any less real? Who is to judge what is "easier" or "harder" to go through when we all feel things differently and handle them differently as well? You are no better or worse than anyone else with issues in their life. Your struggles ARE legitimate and they DO mean something. Especially to you. Don't discount that.

I personally believe that is is impossible to "lay all of your cards out" and know where you will be next year, 5 years from now, 10 years, etc. Life is constantly changing. And guess what? You can also manipulate the path you go down! You have choices to make that can change your life for better or for worse.

About 2 years ago I felt like you. I felt like I would be better off not being here because I didn't think I had anything to lose. I hated my job, my marriage with failing, I lost almost all my friends, my family didn't seem to care...

But now? I wouldn't imagine going anywhere. My job isn't perfect, but it works. My marriage is finally doing well. I gained back a few of those friends I lost.. and Im still working on getting closer to my family.

My anxiety is still a struggle, but I decided to MAKE my life a place I wanted to live in. I had to choose to get better and to do whatever I needed to for the life I wanted to become a reality..

That is where you are at now. If you don't feel you live a life worth living, why not just change the things around you? It might not happen over night but it can be done. See a therapist. Find a job you can enjoy. Find activities and ways to meet new people outside of work.

Also- don't discount how heavy the effect of suicide is on the people around you who love and care about you. Would you want to send someone into the anxious/depressed state of mind you are in? Because that is exactly what it can do.

"getting off" the path you are on doesn't have to mean suicide. It just means picking a new path that leads somewhere else.

[Hnx]

Thank you for the response. I can understand a lot of what you said. Nevertheless my fear is that my anxiety and the growing and disabling impact it has on me will cause me to fail at my job and make the fact that I have a lot going for me and potential meaningless. It will be a ceiling on my life that I can never breach. Also, like I said my insane amount of student loan debt limits my abilities to make big changes in my life. I don't want to have to compromise my goals of being successful and have my abilities diminished because of all of this. Unfortunately I think that's where I'm headed because it controls my every thought. This is a terrible way to live.

[mrslizzyg]

Thank you for the response. I can understand a lot of what you said. Nevertheless my fear is that my anxiety and the growing and disabling impact it has on me will cause me to fail at my job and make the fact that I have a lot going for me and potential meaningless. It will be a ceiling on my life that I can never breach. Also, like I said my insane amount of student loan debt limits my abilities to make big changes in my life. I don't want to have to compromise my goals of being successful and have my abilities diminished because of all of this. Unfortunately I think that's where I'm headed because it controls my every thought. This is a terrible way to live.

You are absolutely right it is a terrible way to live..

and as much as anxiety is good at tricking your brain into thinking you have no control- you DO have control. It just takes a lot more work to gain that control and figure out how to use it. And it takes time. It may never be perfect either, but you can get this managed to a point where you can start to feel less hopeless.

Have you ever seen a therapist or psychiatrist about how you are feeling? I really think you should try that before deciding to go ahead with suicide. And take the time to find someone you actually like... it might take a few appointments if you don't get lucky the first time... but aren't you worth it? Don't you owe it to yourself to try to exhaust all your options before just quitting?

[timjpcollins]

Hi HNX - First things first - If you need someone to speak to in a pinch please call the suicide helpline ASAP "No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7."

I can empathize with you a lot my Anxiety struck when I was well established at work, I was actually a VP when I started having panic attacks in meetings and during presentations. I felt HUGE amounts of pressure to perform and often had to walk out of meetings.

I had a pretty expensive lifestyle and lots of debt that I had to make sure I was making $15K a month to pay for. So again I feel like your story resonates with me a lot.

I'm here to tell you there is life after Anxiety. I had to go through a lot of pain and make some significant changes but I'm a better person for it.

I changed my lifestyle drastically, changes careers, moved house, did loads of scary things. And now I'm helping others with their Anxiety as I feel like that's my purpose to support others. I'm a full time Anxiety coach.

I'd be happy to talk if that's something you'd find useful. You can take a look at my site at timjpcollins dot com and contact me through that.

I know what it's like to be going through dark times I've been there. I now try to support people in the way that I wish I was supported when I needed it. You don't have to go through this alone.

[Goomba]

If you strive to be a helpful member of the community within this forum, Tim, please apply your expertise within it.

[MiST]

In my experience people who are planning to commit suicide just get on and do it, they don't reach out or tell people of their plans, that's what's so tragic about it, if only they did reach out before they got to that critical point perhaps they might still be alive.

Life can be a bitch, but hang in there and it can also be great, and then be a bitch again..it's called living!

So hang in there past the rough times and learn to smile at life.

There are no problems, only challenges, and challenges can be overcome..;)

[Im-Suffering]

I am guessing our friend will return after work, 5-6 so
i have a few comments that I'm hoping he will get to..

Hnx - (if you have questions or wish to talk you can send a private message. You will need I believe 10 posts to do so.)

You have not accepted life on life's terms,

You are demanding that it behave in certain ways and take
courses that you have consciously decided upon. You are refusing to
accept life gladly, as its own reason and cause within you.

The idea that you MUST earn this money, or keep this job, or that you will never find love or companionship, that no one will love you, is a cover
to hide this deeper refusal to accept life on life's terms . . .
You are saying, `Unless existence meets my terms, I will not
exist,'.. And no one has the right to so set themselves against
their own innate vitality.

Once you wholeheartedly accept life on life's terms, then
you may indeed get what you are after, but not while you insist upon
it as a condition for continued existence . . . Your own purpose will
make life a daily joy when you let your conditions go. You forget
what you do have – health and vitality. You forget your intellect
and intuitions. You forget what blessings are yours.

You cannot pervert them by trying to force them to serve
purposes that you have set up as a condition of existence. You must
live in the faith that your purpose IS, and will be fulfilled, is
being fulfilled. You must live in the faith that you have such a
purpose and meaning, or you would not be here

there is no other way. Life must be accepted. You do not set the terms

When you understand this idea of life, then you
do not destroy yourself in any form. You do not take it for granted
that in the next life you will solve your problems. You take it for
granted that this form and this personality, is unique, with purpose that it alone can best achieve.

That you are (among other things) worthwhile.. worthy, valued, capable, and loveable.

[MiST]

I am guessing our friend will return after work, 5-6 so
i have a few comments that I'm hoping will be deeply understood. He is intelligent.

You have not accepted life on life's terms,

You are demanding that it behave in certain ways and take
courses that you have consciously decided upon. You are refusing to
accept life gladly, as its own reason and cause within you.

The idea that you MUST earn this money, or you will never find love or companionship, that no one will love you, is a cover
to hide this deeper refusal to accept life on life's terms . . .
You are saying, `Unless existence meets my terms, I will not
exist,'.. And no one has the right to so set themselves against
their own innate vitality.

Once you wholeheartedly accept life on life's terms, then
you may indeed get what you are after, but not while you insist upon
it as a condition for continued existence . . . Your own purpose will
make life a daily joy when you let your conditions go. You forget
what you do have – health and vitality. You forget your intellect
and intuitions. You forget what blessings are yours.

You cannot pervert them by trying to force them to serve
purposes that you have set up as a condition of existence. You must
live in the faith that your purpose IS, and will be fulfilled, is
being fulfilled. You must live in the faith that you have such a
purpose and meaning, or you would not be here

Wow that's pretty deep, but i like the message. Nice one!

[Im-Suffering]

I do not want him to make eliminating the anxiety a condition for continued existence. The anxiety can be seen as an opportunity to heal every false belief he has ever felt about himself, beginning early childhood and into the bullying period. Looking at it in those terms anxiety to some extent is 'healthy' in that if the feelings are followed would lead him to the cause that he could then recognize and heal. Anxiety has a larger purpose. His brooding has been going on for some time now, and in a sense has become larger than life, and so he feels stuck, more importantly that there is no constructive way out. This thinking limits perception inherently and so the world view is so narrowed to fit this strangling perspective.

He can free himself however, there is always a way out, no exceptions.

One paints themselves into a corner through negative use of the imagination, and someone can claw their way out by changing those pictures which would generate feel-good feelings and thoughts, by visualizing the opposite for a short period of time. The subconscious in that regard takes in information and begins immediately to execute it. Regardless if that is constructive or not.

So an exercise to do nightly, for 30 minutes before bed (relaxed and in bed perhaps), where he pictures in his imagination paying off his debts or becoming anxiety free, or finding a fulfilling love interest, or maybe speaking in front of a receptive large audience, for example and picturing this as vividly as the current negativity. Given a month of this exercise his life will begin to show changes for the better.

Give all of this a chance, by vowing to put off suicide until after the holidays, for example. At least temporarily to give consideration to other probabilities and take on the exercise given, and following the advice from the previous post.