SoTired
07-18-2015, 03:42 PM
Hello everyone,
I'm new here although I've lurked a bit. I'm completely overwhelmed today and have let anxiety ruin something wonderful for me. I need help coping with my decision (which I think was the right one but heart-wrenching anyway). I posted something on a dog forum about this so I'll just paste it below so I don't have to retype it. Right now I feel like my heart has been ripped out and don't know what I can do. I've dealt with anxiety for years and managed it pretty well with Ativan and relaxation. I've also dealt with major depression which at times is so debilitating I have trouble getting out of bed but even that has gotten better over the years. To be hit like this so quickly I already regret my decision yet know it was right for my health. Any words of wisdom would be welcome as they are picking up the dog (below) in a few hours. I know I'm going to completely lose it.
Thank you.
_______
Being the Right Decision Doesn't Help
About a week ago I acquired a new puppy. I've owned many dogs before and have had puppy's before so it wasn't a new experience. I'm an older gentleman with a great career that lets me work part day from home and I live alone and am a bit of a recluse. I was well travelled in my younger days and don't really take vacations so I decided I was ready to find a new companion. I found a reputable breeder who hooked me up with a breeder out East who had a dog. She flew out here with the dog and delivered it to me this week.
The dog has been a pure joy, he's loving and playful and smart and everything I like. The problem is me. What I first wrote off to the puppy blues I now recognize is a long time major depression reappearing with a vengeance. For years I've dealt with my emotions well and felt I was stable enough to finally find a new companion and make the commitment.
It started with the usual "what have I done" anxiety which wasn't unexpected. I cried a little, at what I don't know, then played with him and was filled with joy. Then filled with self-doubt and anxiety. Eventually over four days I've moved to a point where I decided I needed to return the puppy to the breeder as I feel I am in a dangerous emotional state for myself. If you've ever known or suffered yourself from major depression you know how it can take over your life and isn't cured quickly. I've taken my medication for anxiety and have tried relaxing but this goes way beyond the puppy blues.
I've been trying to figure out why this is happening. I have a job where the dog won't be alone more than 4 hrs at a stretch and I am a bit of a homebody recluse so spending time at home isn't a problem. Maybe it's just the thought of commitment. When my last dog finally passed I was devastated more than when my Mom died two years ago. I also worry obsessively about the dog having the life he deserves. If he's bored I feel I'm failing. This insecurity and self-doubt I think stems from my last dog. When I got him I left him alone too long to work and didn't do a good job socializing him. I still feel guilty today to the point that I swore this dog would be different. To be honest I've already broken down a couple times and it wasn't a little cry.
I emailed the breeder and was honest with her. She called back later and was so supportive and everything I felt even worse (and apologized for being upset). I'm sure they hear all kinds of stories like "I'm terminally ill" or "my house burned down" or something and I just decided to be honest. It's all my fault. She is working with a local breeder to see about placing him in the area or she will fly out and get him. To be honest the dedication to the breed by these breeders is what attracted me to the breed in the first place and now makes me feel even worse. She was nice and even said maybe at a later date although returning a dog doesn't make you a great future adoption prospect I know. She also suggested maybe an older dog would be better.
I'm saddened that my own weakness led to this. I really thought I was ready. Even now I'm bouncing between maybe I could keep him and try and I've made the right decision. I know when I hand him over I will be a crying wreck (men do cry). This is going to devastate me but its for the best. I want to get this adorable 13 week old someplace good for him before he's bonded with me. As for him I'm fully bonded which is why this hurts so much.
I would appreciate any words of wisdom to help me deal with the upcoming aftermath of this decision. I'm going to really crash to the point I've asked a friend to be with me so I don't do something stupid. To be successful in life, in business, to "have it all" as one friend described me yet be unable to emotionally handle a small puppy's presence just hurts like nothing else.
Thank you.
I'm new here although I've lurked a bit. I'm completely overwhelmed today and have let anxiety ruin something wonderful for me. I need help coping with my decision (which I think was the right one but heart-wrenching anyway). I posted something on a dog forum about this so I'll just paste it below so I don't have to retype it. Right now I feel like my heart has been ripped out and don't know what I can do. I've dealt with anxiety for years and managed it pretty well with Ativan and relaxation. I've also dealt with major depression which at times is so debilitating I have trouble getting out of bed but even that has gotten better over the years. To be hit like this so quickly I already regret my decision yet know it was right for my health. Any words of wisdom would be welcome as they are picking up the dog (below) in a few hours. I know I'm going to completely lose it.
Thank you.
_______
Being the Right Decision Doesn't Help
About a week ago I acquired a new puppy. I've owned many dogs before and have had puppy's before so it wasn't a new experience. I'm an older gentleman with a great career that lets me work part day from home and I live alone and am a bit of a recluse. I was well travelled in my younger days and don't really take vacations so I decided I was ready to find a new companion. I found a reputable breeder who hooked me up with a breeder out East who had a dog. She flew out here with the dog and delivered it to me this week.
The dog has been a pure joy, he's loving and playful and smart and everything I like. The problem is me. What I first wrote off to the puppy blues I now recognize is a long time major depression reappearing with a vengeance. For years I've dealt with my emotions well and felt I was stable enough to finally find a new companion and make the commitment.
It started with the usual "what have I done" anxiety which wasn't unexpected. I cried a little, at what I don't know, then played with him and was filled with joy. Then filled with self-doubt and anxiety. Eventually over four days I've moved to a point where I decided I needed to return the puppy to the breeder as I feel I am in a dangerous emotional state for myself. If you've ever known or suffered yourself from major depression you know how it can take over your life and isn't cured quickly. I've taken my medication for anxiety and have tried relaxing but this goes way beyond the puppy blues.
I've been trying to figure out why this is happening. I have a job where the dog won't be alone more than 4 hrs at a stretch and I am a bit of a homebody recluse so spending time at home isn't a problem. Maybe it's just the thought of commitment. When my last dog finally passed I was devastated more than when my Mom died two years ago. I also worry obsessively about the dog having the life he deserves. If he's bored I feel I'm failing. This insecurity and self-doubt I think stems from my last dog. When I got him I left him alone too long to work and didn't do a good job socializing him. I still feel guilty today to the point that I swore this dog would be different. To be honest I've already broken down a couple times and it wasn't a little cry.
I emailed the breeder and was honest with her. She called back later and was so supportive and everything I felt even worse (and apologized for being upset). I'm sure they hear all kinds of stories like "I'm terminally ill" or "my house burned down" or something and I just decided to be honest. It's all my fault. She is working with a local breeder to see about placing him in the area or she will fly out and get him. To be honest the dedication to the breed by these breeders is what attracted me to the breed in the first place and now makes me feel even worse. She was nice and even said maybe at a later date although returning a dog doesn't make you a great future adoption prospect I know. She also suggested maybe an older dog would be better.
I'm saddened that my own weakness led to this. I really thought I was ready. Even now I'm bouncing between maybe I could keep him and try and I've made the right decision. I know when I hand him over I will be a crying wreck (men do cry). This is going to devastate me but its for the best. I want to get this adorable 13 week old someplace good for him before he's bonded with me. As for him I'm fully bonded which is why this hurts so much.
I would appreciate any words of wisdom to help me deal with the upcoming aftermath of this decision. I'm going to really crash to the point I've asked a friend to be with me so I don't do something stupid. To be successful in life, in business, to "have it all" as one friend described me yet be unable to emotionally handle a small puppy's presence just hurts like nothing else.
Thank you.