I can't work out whether this is anxiety of genuine

[Conure]

Hello all,

I have suffered with anxiety for most of my life, maybe following a traumatic childhood, I am unsure whether or nor that was the cause. I am currently reading a self help book based around CBT as I would love to finally make a real attempt to reduce my issues and over the last year or so I've made very good progress and am happy and relaxed 95% of the time, but something happened recently and I am unsure whether or not it is just anxiety, or whether I am actually a terrible person.

About a month ago I went out with a group of friends and got very drunk, and ended up sharing a bed with a good friend, fully clothed - though we did fall asleep hugging I believe. I should first say that my whole life I have had sleep paralysis and various sleep 'issues' like doing things in a half-awake state in which I'm not really conscious. The next thing I'll describe has happened with previous girlfriends before, and I've had little to no memory the following day until they reminded me.

Anyway, I sort of came to my 'wakeful senses', though I wasn't fully awake, and had my hands in my friends underwear doing.. You can guess. This definitely started when I was asleep, I have zero recollection of initiating it and by this stage I was more sober (drunk, but not 'loss of memory' drunk). I came partially to my senses (though I was definitely not fully conscious but I did have a vague understanding of what was going on) but did let it continue for maybe 5 seconds (which is the issue, in my mind), then stopped. I think I realised at the time she may have been asleep, and I woke her, apologised immediately (she had just said "don't worry about it, I think you might have been dreaming, either that or I don't remember")...Then when I apologised again the next morning saying "I never want you to think of me as that kind of person" she responded with "of course I know you're not that kind of person". So it seems at least in her mind I'm not some kind of assaulter.

The thing is, I feel like some sort of pervert that took advantage of a girl that was asleep, a girl I respect and really care about, like I committed a form of sexual assault or rape on someone that trusted me. I keep Googling it and seeing that doing something like that when someone else is asleep is counted as rape, and it's absolutely tearing me up inside because I'd never want to be that sort of person, I'm not that sort of person, and I am certain I was asleep when it started...But I feel pretty disgusting, hateful of myself...I feel like I've fallen 100 miles short of my personal moral standards, I despise men that are forceful with women, or people that take advantage....Yet for the last month all that cycles around and around in my head is that I'm some sort of monster. Like I should be locked up in prison or something. I'm finding it hard to tell if it is irrational anxiety regarding something that probably happens a lot, or if I'm genuinely an awful person.

Sorry for the long post, it took me a month to actually ask for advice as it's really messing with my head. On the plus side, I've been looking for a reason to give up alcohol for some time and have now not had a drink in a month and have no intentions of returning. I never, ever want to find myself in this position again.

I also want to say that I have quite a few female friends that I've been drunk around countless times and they have often said I'm the least lecherous person they know, which is true I think - I never force myself on people and I've had one one night stand in my whole life (I'm 31), if that means anything at all. The thing that gets me is that this is not something I would do in my right mind, this isn't even something I'd do in my drunken state as I've been in that position before and have been absolutely fine. It is so out of character, but it has caused me to become deeply and negatively introspective.

Thanks, I hope you can offer some advice. Maybe I should put it behind me, though maybe this guilt is what I deserve.

[Nowuccas]

"There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man." - Polybius.

Realise, and accept that you, just like the rest of us, are only human, and therefore, fallible. We all make mistakes; do, or omit to do certain things, but the idea is to learn from them, and resolve not to make the same one again. Once having done this, it can be helpful to repeat an affirmation to yourself along the following lines, at least 3 times: "I may have ... ... and there are some things which can't be undone, no matter how much I regret it, so I firmly resolve to learn from this, and choose to forgive myself now, and move on".

Negative thoughts often precede negative emotions. Accordingly, it's important to regularly monitor, and deal with a negative internal monologue (self talk), or mental process, such as disturbing thoughts, images, impulses, or emotions, by the process of (a): recognising it, and (b): challenging it immediately. Technique For Re-Programming Negative Thoughts: When you notice something negative, such as: "I can't do this/ am never going to get over this!" or: "Why am I always so useless/such a loser?" or even an image, emotion, or a memory; recognise that it is being generated from the negative part of your mind.

After identifying and labelling it, visualise a large, red, flashing, "STOP!" sign, and/or possibly a stern faced person wagging an index finger at you in a negative manner, then say to yourself as forcefully as you can, even aloud in a big voice, if alone: "I know this tactic: GO AWAY FOR A WHILE !!!" You may want to use either: "ruse", "ploy", "game", or "trick". In the case of an image, visualise a large "STOP" sign, or your preferred version. Some people go so far as to keep a wide rubber band in their pocket, then put it around their wrist, when they catch themselves backsliding, stretch and release it, as a method of reprogramming their mind sooner, but I don't regard it as being strictly necessary. Remember to remove it, afterwards, if you use this method.

Enter "guilt" in the searchbars at wikihow.com and ehow.com

Read: Escaping Toxic Guilt: Five Proven Steps to Free Yourself from Guilt for Good! by Susan Carrell, & Good-Bye to Guilt: Releasing Fear Through Forgiveness by Gerald G. Jampolsky, & Stop Running Away: Confront the Guilt, Regret and Remorse That Haunt You by Timothy M. Wise, from your bookstore or enter "guilt" in the searchbar at Amazon.com for more media.

"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing".
- John Powell.

Guilt is the source of sorrow, 'tis the fiend, Th' avenging fiend, that follows us behind, With whips and stings”

[Nowuccas]

Because you weren't fully awake, your responsibility for your actions is reduced.