New here! Highly-visual, creative struggling with anxiety/panic-attacks

[tooscaredtodrive88]

Hello all,

This is my first time participating in a forum, so I have lots on my mind, but I'll try to keep it quaint.

I'm in my early 30s, highly-conscientious, highly-visual, with a futurist/foresight-based mindset that fuels my catastrophic thinking > analysis paralysis > panic! More often than not, I'm usually right about bad-outcomes (non-arrogantly), as well as good-outcomes, and it sucks.

I've had some epiphanies recently, and deeply-regret that I did not have this new tool-set sooner. A lot of it is tied to the concept of "perceived value" and power-balance. My conscientiousness and demeanor have always been deeply rooted in my spirituality, so I have over-extended myself without even realizing -- "saying yes" to the wrong things, "being the therapist", "holding-out" and overworking myself in bad-relationships, being the most fearless in high-stress situations. To me, these were just the right things to do. I wasn't consciously taking on these issues for points or praise. I'm proud to admit (and in some ways, naive and ashamed) that I've never viewed myself or others as products. Or, that others could possibly view me and each other in this way. As I retrace the genesis of my first panic-attack, I wish I could do it all over. My first-job, evil boss. Panic. My first-roommate out of college, heavier-drinker than I realized. Panic. Lost-weight, felt confident, but still the same person. Lost-friends in the happiest time of my life. PANIC! And, now this. Still.

What could I have done better? How could I have been more assertive? I couldn't. I did not realize my value. I felt indebted to my first-job, like I should be so lucky to have it, and not the other way around. I felt indebted to 'my cool' friend who everyone adored, but was a mean and creepy person in secret. The hanger-on to a bait-and-switch boyfriend. I should've been so lucky. Or, more recently, a friend who feigned a year-long art collaboration with me in exchange for constant-companionship posed as friendship (gossip under the guise of false-intimacy, everything at the-center-of-her-world). Dropping the ball, flaking out. I thought, "I'll let it slide for the spirit of the project, a good collaboration mean always trying to make the other person look better". A whole year of sincerity, siphoned out in slow-drags over time. I saw it coming, but blamed it on my OCD. What is my life? PANIC!

And the most forthcoming. A friend had extra-tickets to go to a concert and wanted me to go instead of baby-sitting as a favor like we planned. I overheard her explain to her brother "well, if she goes then I don't have to owe her anything". They're whole lives are built around "who owes who", "quid-pro-quo". She didn't really want my company, she just wanted to make sure "we were even". Now my inherent altruism is tied-in to my OCD, "I hope that by doing this nice thing for someone, it's not viewed as a hidden-request for something in return". Never used to think like that. I went to the concert anyway, but I felt slimy afterwards. I see these patterns played out in everything now and its super depressing. Especially with texting. Fake-plans texts, canceled fake plans. Dating and text-courtship. My life has improved immensely since giving up that black-hole. No more built-in power imbalance.

What I'm working on now: Making an inventory of what makes me valuable, at-length and so genuine that I feel it in my bones, without guilt, fear, or uncertainty, whenever I tell the world 'no.'

Other future topic-starters I relate to: Managing your OCD when your current roommate is obsessed with conspiracy theories, finding an affordable fear of driving program, being the black-sheep of the family, art about anxiety...

I am new to a format like this, but am excited to connect with others who can relate, and also use music and art as a release to cope. Thanks for listening, nice to meet you!

[Im-Suffering]

lots of energy coming from you, I feel that. "catastrophic thinking > analysis paralysis > panic" is the result of a tired, physically orientated focus (keeping up an exaggerated pace with the world) and a very tired mind scampering for answers in the wrong places.

Too much self created drama. Entranced or pulled into the illusion of physical life. You cant figure yourself out, when so enmeshed in the dramas of the world. You must pull back for a short time and rest. Its time, as you enter the late 30's. The physical does not shape you, you shape the physical, period.

Turn the energy inward. 'spirituality' is not a carte blanche directive that you should be a doormat, or a means of escape. Your whole life, every moment is an expression of your beliefs and similarly, value judgments. Physically speaking your personal or intimate environs (and relationships) are a mirror of that. The work is always internal first, and always from love. Not for others, but for self first. What is in your highest regard?

Direct this enormous amount of energy away from physical drama. Leave it behind like a bag at the airport, you can always pick it up again, but you wont. You'll let it go once you experience the peace of who.. you .. really.. are. Let the old wardrobe go (metaphor for beliefs, value judgments and ideas), that dont fit you anymore.

You are fortunate enough (you created it, your 'fortune') where we have met today and I have told you to examine your beliefs. Many people go through life miserable and have no idea why. It would never occur to them that they create their reality. Copy and paste my signature below to your mirror at home.

[tooscaredtodrive88]

Hello! Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond. I agree whole-hardheartedly, and especially love your caption about 'man's living-scape'. It is time.

I've made a lot of changes over the years to calibrate the internal with the external; carving a new path, trying new things, making new friends. Art and music, of course, help immensely to find that balance. There is a graphic novel I want to read by one of my favorite comic book artist's (who suffers from ocd/anxiety) that vibes well with the concept of turning inward; I find many of his works very inspiring in that regard.

To channel that energy, I also turn to music -- love it all. Lately, experimenting with odd-time signatures and 'tone-poems', challenging but fun : ) I appreciate the wisdom, kindness, and urgency of your words, and will peer around for more.

Just a few more mismatched socks to get rid of from this old wardrobe, but I'm getting there : )

[Im-Suffering]

Good !

One last comment, Im not suggesting you retreat into yourself as a means of escapism, you see ? But that all things spring forth from your beliefs. So that is where examination begins. Many value judgments color your experience. Like a filtering lens, you see what you believe you will see.

In regards to escapism, nature, or the natural way of things, rewards courage. But that does not mean huge feats of it. Just the most minuscule would do.

5 minutes of bravery is enough for the universe to react upon and change your reality. Many of the unwanted thoughts you have, the catastrophic, or whatever, are due to thinking but not doing. you see. Especially in regard to what is in your best interests. Beneficial thoughts, that are repressed over time, turn destructive in that sense.

Think about it this way. Many people live 80 years for example. 79 years 11 months 29 days and 16 hours of that life are spent in reaping the rewards of the 4 hours of bravery. Each act could only last minutes, see? Yet if you recapitulate you will see how those minutes shaped the years.

Bravery could be : making that forgiving phone call. Smiling at a friend again that hurt you, getting into your car a little each day, asking someone out on a date (future spouse), loving a parent again, going to the doctor if something bothers you, advocating for yourself or in defense of a cause.. You see, they would all move mountains in the grand scheme, and all just a few seconds of your life.

[tooscaredtodrive88]

Hello again! I'm digging your thoughts on 'bravery', on both a whimsical level, and a practical/rational one.

One of the most practical things I learned about overcoming panic pertains to the idea of "considering the deeper-threat", understanding the underlying roots causing a particular anxiety-cycle or flare-up. It is an on-going process, but the best example I can think of in recent memory were some systemic pain-issues related to untreated, and finally diagnosed scoliosis. Like with any health concern, I'm especially prone to letting my anxiety take over. The underlying-threat for me most often is a fear of death.

This past year I was confronted with that fear head-on. I woke up to find a loved one experiencing a seizure, blue-in-the-face and choking. Panic was not an option. Helping that person come out of the seizure was a brave moment for me. Just mere seconds.

I'm glad that you raised the importance of not being bitter as a form of bravery, as well. Staying true to yourself, being assertive, and leading through example, without feeling like a door-mat. With my friend who I did the art-project with, I explained to her that my sincerity and enthusiasm as a solution-seeker are valuable to me, and that I unconditionally forgave her because I saw the good in a continued friendship with her. I didn't pick up on it til after the fact, but it became evident as time wore on, that she placed a high-priority on trying to please people who did not accept her as she was; over-valuing those in her life who were completely unreliable. Quantity over quality. Self-created drama. I don't think this is true for many people and situations, but in this sense, "flakiness" and patterns of unreliability for her were methods to increase the idea of "scarcity". This all taught me so much about the mistakes I've made at different points of my life as a people-pleaser. For some people, you will never be good enough! No matter how much you adapt, modify, improve, and try to change for someone -- there will always be something new. It forces them to think about what they need to change, what they need to improve. And that scares them! Funny and daunting too, how as people who suffer anxiety, we do this to ourselves.

Life is short, so these small acts of bravery are so, so important. Initiating and reviving a new relationship with a parent was the best decision for me, even though it was difficult to do. By busking and playing live-music, I learned "how to suck" in public, which inevitably helped me overcome much of my social-anxiety. My fear of driving served me in so many ways when I live in a bigger-city with lots of bike-trails; biking became a lifestyle choice for me that is now difficult to maintain.

And through a different lens, as someone who has worked in and out of the marketing/graphic design field, operating under (and embracing) multi-perspectives and viewpoints is crucial. But murky. The idea of "personal branding" and social-media are so entwined with our everyday lives. Our "private" and "public" selves are blurry. Career worries. Asking for raises. Sell, sell, sell. Tuning out a toxic workplace while "hiding" the stress of your anxiety. It can sometimes feel like leading a double-life. Changing careers is brave. Putting a price on your art and selling it are hard. Living artfully, authentically, and making good money...if only : )

[Im-Suffering]

keep a keen focus on what you want, rather than what you don't. because you get both. attraction does not discriminate in that regard. in life you have choices, that's all they are, no big drama unless you create it. you don't have to see one as 'bad', to choose its opposite. they are simply experiences.

I often must remind myself that I truly know nothing. nobody does regardless of the color of their coat. i try to believe nothing, because by believing something i become blind to its opposite which is just as valid. examine your value judgments and beliefs, this is a conscious effort, rather than going through life with blinders on. you react for a reason to this or that. beliefs > emotions > thoughts. the only way to change your thoughts is to change the beliefs behind them.

Anyhow focus on what you do want, all of your energies there, and if opposition comes up in your mind why you cant have it, look no further than some belief in the way, find and change the belief and what you want comes easily to you. this is the process of creation.

"Putting a price on your art and selling it are hard. Living artfully, authentically, and making good money...if only"

If that is what you want, and something inside tells you its 'hard' or 'you cant have it', or 'artists struggle' remember, its just a false belief, and most likely someone elses rather than your direct experience. If it is your direct experience its because you believe it without any doubt that your experience is a characteristic inherent in life itself, which you know to be bullshit. That's how you change a belief, you realize what you have been living all along is because of some bullshit idea about life, not a fact about it.

often you will need to look no further than parental conditioning and that early environment for your current troubles.

[tooscaredtodrive88]

Dude, right on! My excuse list is so long and exhaustive, humor is the only option for me at this point. I think what I am going to do is compile a list of successful creative people that have found a good formula for this; integrating one's personal life as part of their professional mission, art, and image. Maybe sending out some letters asking for a template of strategies to follow. Maybe if I make a body of work solely devoted to that process in itself, I can hold myself more accountable. Small, realistic mini-goals and "side-quests".

I'm definitely operating at times on a loop from childhood, guilt and fear from "embarrassing" my family. Any sort of success I've had seems to be a "threat" to them; or an indication that they have failed in someway. I did not pick up on this til later in life, but it started with patterns of how I am treated. Whenever my life is going well, their treatment towards me becomes worse. I've also accepted support from people who only want to be depended on in some way, but who withhold support and are too stubborn to "turn-up" when I have an achievement. I'd like to learn some better communication tactics on how to assert myself to prevent these sort of patterns from forming in the first place.

I've been trying to put the idea of "we teach people how to treat us" to good use, on a regular basis so that it becomes second-nature. But at the same time, a good Mark Twain quote comes to mind:

"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience".

Is there a Socratic-paradox app for that? Lol, I digress.

Accountability Project #1: 10 letters to 10 successful, creative people asking for tailored advice. No excuses!

Again, thank-you for the thoughtful exchange. Taking action. Doing -- not thinking!

[Im-Suffering]

I'm definitely operating at times on a loop from childhood, guilt and fear from "embarrassing" my family. Any sort of success I've had seems to be a "threat" to them; or an indication that they have failed in someway.



very interesting...