My mom's addiction

[mrslizzyg]

Good afternoon everyone! Yes, I still know I post a lot. :D

Ok, so I need some advice! It's about my mother..

My mom is an alcoholic, and it started after my parents got divorced(I was about 12.) I'm talking about 5-6 beers a night, sometimes whiskey or vodka on the rocks.. When I lived with her when I was younger, I would do the dishes and the coffee mugs she would take to work every day would smell like alcohol. Her and whatever boyfriend she happened to be dating would argue into all hours of the night, she'd throw things and cry and go crazy. Sometimes she would go out to bars and not come home until late the next day. I also wrestled her car keys out of her hands on multiple occasions when she was super sh*tfaced and trying to drive. Needless to say we had a terrible relationship.


I babysat her for about 6 years. I moved out of the house at 18 years old, got married, and left the situation alone for a while. She ended up meeting a new guy, has now been married for 2 years. He is GREAT for her... This seemed to help my moms drinking a lot.

I lived with her again about 8 months ago when my husband and I were separated, and yes she still drank every night and had about 3-4 beers.. sometimes again whiskey or vodka. She was a happy drunk now instead of a sad one, which at least made her easier to be around.. She wasn't getting super sh*tfaced anymore, trying to drive, taking it to work, etc..Honestly, I wasn't really worried about her anymore. Her husband is a wonderful guy, and they seemed to enjoy their drinking together.
My mom and I finally built a solid foundation for a good relationship too. It has been great.

Well, I have started to feel concerned again... and I don't know what to do. =/

My mom has a "drunk voice." I know that sounds weird but I have been around her enough to tell when she sounds sober or sounds drunk... I called her at work 2 weeks ago and she sounded pretty drunk. I let it go because it was just one time..

Well, a couple days later, she called me while she was DRIVING HOME from who knows where. Not only is my mom SUPER against driving and being on the phone(even if it's hands free) she had that drunk voice again. She told me she would call me when she got home and I didn't hear from her that night.

I called her the next afternoon at work, same drunk voice again..

The last time I talked to her was last night, she was SUPER wasted.. Granted she was at home and stuff but idk..

I tried to tell her many times when I was younger that she needed some help, but it always ended in really terrible fights between her and I, so I gave up trying..

I just don't know what to do for her. I know "you can't help her unless she wants to help herself" but I feel like as I'm not a teenager anymore I need to sit down and have a real talk with her about my concern.

Any advice? =/

[NixonRulz]

That is a horrible position to be in. The child shouldn't have to babysit the parent

You are correct that she will need to want help before she accepts help from you. And when you at least have a serious conversation with her about it to tell her your concerns, she will more than likely get defensive and the conversation won't end well

You could talk to her husband and get his thoughts if you have a good relationship with him. If he is the same as her, he will defend her tooth and nail

The only thing I imagine you can do is tell her your concerns and offer any help if she will take it.

It's her dragon to slay

[mrslizzyg]

That is a horrible position to be in. The child shouldn't have to babysit the parent

You are correct that she will need to want help before she accepts help from you. And when you at least have a serious conversation with her about it to tell her your concerns, she will more than likely get defensive and the conversation won't end well

You could talk to her husband and get his thoughts if you have a good relationship with him. If he is the same as her, he will defend her tooth and nail

The only thing I imagine you can do is tell her your concerns and offer any help if she will take it.

It's her dragon to slay

It wasn't a very fun situation to be in.. As a teenager I thought there were times it was cool- because my mom was drunk all the time so I got away with anything and everything. Obviously that wasn't a good thing now that I look back on it, of course.

Yea I thought about talking to her husband. I'm not SUPER close to him though.. I mean I was 20 years old when they met so it wasn't like he had to "play" step dad really.. I don't know what he thinks of my mom and her drinking. I know he drinks a good amount too but it's not comparable to her.. I almost feel like he enables it or turns a blind eye.

I guess I'm just torn between keeping my mouth shut to keep a good relationship with her, or saying some and potentially ruining the relationship I have with her. she is EXTREMELY stubborn and gets set off by the tiniest thing, so even if I sat her down and spoke in an unaggressive way she is likely to take offense.

At the same time, knowing my mom is drinking and driving makes me crazy. She could hurt herself or someone else. =/

[Kuma]

I think the best thing you can do is have a candid conversation with her where you express your concern, urge her to get help, and offer to help her get help. If it works, that is great -- you might save her life. If it does not work, at least you will know that you tried your best. You don't want to later have regrets, thinking "If I had only...."

She might get defensive, but there are probably ways to put it that reduce (though perhaps not eliminate) that risk. If it is clear that you are doing this out of love, that you still respect your mom, that you don't consider her drinking to be a moral failing but instead a health issue, that you too are trying to drink less, etc., those things might help.

You could also contact your local AA chapter and ask them for some advice about how to approach, in a helpful and constructive way, someone who has not yet faced their own alcoholism. They might have some good advice.

I think going "around her back" to her husband might not be the best approach.

Good luck with a tough situation.