Life and then some

[Felix Sky]

Good Morning

Not sure if anyone can say anything else besides what I've already told myself, but I feel so vulnerable and sad when I am supposed to be the strongest one and help others during this rough patch. I guess I would appreciate some advice in how to deal with this

1. My grandfather, who is almost 90, is dying from cancer. Its not immediate, but he is not doing well and we don't know how long he will be able to endure all the pain
2. My stepdad is in prison for making a little too much money in his business and government wanted to make an example out of him. And absolutely for no reason they threw him into solitary with out giving us a reason. We don't know what's happening to him or how long he is going to be there. After working very hard to succeed, my parents lost everything. My mom is alone and takes care of both grandmas. My sister moved to NYC to start her own life. One grandma has advanced Alzheimer and the other one is slowly losing her marbles.
3. I lost one grandpa and uncle to cancer not too long ago. I was very close with them
4. My dog also had cancer, but is OK now. He is like my child and I worry about him 24/7
5. My wife and I had went through a rough patch, but things are improving lately. She thinks I need to be stronger, I need to be a "man" and instead of falling apart I need to be strong and support everyone during this time
6. I work and have a good job with a good salary, but I feel like a slave. Work, pay bills, repeat... I don't want to be a slave for the rest of my life. I want to be able to enjoy life and travel and have kids and realize myself

These are just some of my problems. They are not really about me, but about those I love and I am feeling really sad because I don't know what to do to help them. I am one of those people who always wants to fix everything and this time, I feel helpless
I am not depressed or anxious. I've been able to manage my depression and anxiety quiet well in the last few years, but with all this "darkness" around me, all I see is darkness. My wife says I am so negative and do not enjoy the small things in life. I don't see how I can enjoy anything when things are so bleak all around with the people I love. My family is everything to me

If anyone has any ideas and suggestions as to what I can do to climb out of this hole, I would be very grateful. I just feel like no matter what I do, what I think, what I say, I am falling deeper into this darkness

Thank you in advance...

[mrslizzyg]

First and foremost, I am sorry for all the things you are going through. That is a lot to carry on your shoulders!

My first advice is to let go of the things you cannot control the outcome of. Like your grandfather- yes, it is always very sad when someone in the family passes away. He is 90 years old and as you said, is in pain. It's the circle of life.. everyone passes on eventually, and I feel that when someone is in pain like that, they will be happier once they have. It's OK to be sad and to mourn the loss when he does pass- but remember this is out of your control. Life is going to go on.
You sister can move away, but it doesn't mean she is gone from your life.
Your grandmas are also going through life and it is taking it's toll on them.
You uncle and grandfather passed away, again, circle of life. Mourn your loss and continue to be happy, I'm sure they wouldn't want their deaths plaguing your happiness. :)

As for your step dad- I don't even know what to say here! That's a tough situation. I don't know the full story.. but it sounds like he got screwed.

Your wife needs you just as much as you need her. I don't know her at all- but this "be a man thing" I think is kind of ridiculous. Have you talked to her about how you are feeling? and let her talk to you about her feelings in return? Communication is going to be such a HUGE thing here.

Your job- FIND SOMETHING BETTER! Don't leave your job because you need it for your family, but it is OK to find your passion! Find a job you can do that you will at least like enough not to feel like a slave. It won't happen overnight, but I promise this IS a situation you have control over and one you CAN change.

By no means am I an expert at advice or a doctor.. but this is what I have to tell you.

Keep your head up! "This too shall pass."

:)

[Felix Sky]

Thank you Mrslizzyg =)

I totally understand that this is just life and it works like a radio wave, up and down, up and down. I am just overwhelmed at the fact that its all happening right now at the same and that I can't help anyone. I am doing all I can, but I feel like its not enough. There is not enough hours in the day to get all this stuff done and when there is time, I am tired after work. I know its just excuses, but to me its real. And I agree 100% that this too shall pass, I just wish I could handle crisis better than I do. My mom, grandma, wife are all made of steel and they kind of keep it all inside. I, on the other hand, kind of fall apart when something happens. My dog gets a bump on his skin and I am freaking out. I know its not a healthy way to live. I am working on my self though. As they say, "Depression is living in the past, anxiety is living in the future".... So I try to live for today and be happy RIGHT NOW... I just wish I saw some positive things in my life and my family's life. Its been all dark all the time for way too long and even the strongest people cannot go so long with out something good happening. Anyway, thank you again!

[mrslizzyg]

I totally understand, its hard to live in the present when so many stressful things are going on around you. The present isn't really anything good so it's like, "WHY do I want to be living in this?!"

I'm not good at keeping myself together when things go wrong, either. But you know what? Don't fault yourself for it. There are some really amazing qualities us with anxiety/depression have that others do not. We feel so many things so deeply and we are connected to life on a different level- at least I think we are.

Do what you need to do to get through this! Find fun things for you to enjoy that can remind you life is still good and that things will get better. :)

[Felix Sky]

I agree. I absolutely try to do fun things and other stuff for my self and my family... I just feel guilty sometimes because I feel like I should be suffering along with everyone else. Its irrational, but its who I am. I was raised with a strong family sense. And after having a large family and always attending these huge family gatherings, we are down me, wife, grandma, mom, and a bunch of dogs =))) We've lost all the men, 3 to cancer, 1 to prison, and its just me right now! But I do totally agree with. Its just hard for others to understand the way our brains work. I don't see it as weakness. If more people in the world were as caring and compassionate as us, we would live in a much better world!

[mrslizzyg]

I agree. I absolutely try to do fun things and other stuff for my self and my family... I just feel guilty sometimes because I feel like I should be suffering along with everyone else. Its irrational, but its who I am. I was raised with a strong family sense. And after having a large family and always attending these huge family gatherings, we are down me, wife, grandma, mom, and a bunch of dogs =))) We've lost all the men, 3 to cancer, 1 to prison, and its just me right now! But I do totally agree with. Its just hard for others to understand the way our brains work. I don't see it as weakness. If more people in the world were as caring and compassionate as us, we would live in a much better world!


You are darn right we would live in a better world! I'm so glad you don't see it as a weakness. It took me A LONG time to jump on that boat lol. I always thought I was so inferior to everyone else because I had my anxiety issues, like I was missing out on something, they were better and stronger than me.. But it's just not true.

I get where you are coming from. I am VERY family oriented, I am lucky to still have as much of my family as I do- but I'm sure when life starts to take it's toll on some of my family members I am going to be a big fat mess, and I'll have to eat some of my own words of advice I am giving you. ;) I told my husband that when I am old enough to see my father pass away I might just lock myself in a room for 6 months and never come out, lol. Or at least WANT to.

I think you have a great head on your shoulders and it's good to see you can find fun in life regardless of all the sh*t that has been thrown your way. :)

[Felix Sky]

Thank you! I wish you and all those who think like you all the best = ))))