simp
07-13-2015, 08:10 AM
So I just really want to sort of talk/vent since I don't know where else to share my current state of mind and I am sure many of you have felt this way.
I'm a married 27 year old, extremely supportive wife, I live a pretty good life, but anxiety and depression have controlled me everyday since at least the first grade. I have not had a real job since 2013 because I literally have a phobia to commit. I'm petrified as to why this is and have tried to hide the feeling by running odd ball jobs and trying to start a couple of small businesses now, even working from home. It has come to the point where I'm horrified that I won't get better. I'm currently on Wellbutrin, Prozac, Gabapentin, and Xanax on an as needed basis for panic attacks.
My overall health the past six months or so has been great. I have been getting out a lot, motivation is higher, I'm losing weight due to a lot of exercise, and so on. The Xanax was a gift from God and I find myself not needing to take it but it's more like a "emergency backup" so I can take it with me and just knowing I have it if I need it keeps me from having a panic attack.
Anyway, I was just told about a job. Not even offered a job. I agreed to go and talk to some people about it tomorrow and now I have been having panic attacks, nausea, stomach issues, etc. I'm scared for my own future. I'm scared that I will never be anybody despite my mindset thinking I will be. Sometimes it's a constant fight to just get out of bed. I don't understand where this fear comes from. I have had some bad experiences especially in my school days. I use to get sick from stress a lot, which then lead to panic attacks about getting sick or having panic attacks. My last job was supportive but I had to call out a lot, I would force myself to go many days hoping things would improve once I got out there but would have to leave early. It was a horrible experience and I swear it lead to me literally being horrified of committing to someone on a job type basis. Even agreeing to meet someone for lunch scares me sometimes. I don't even like making family get together plans in advance because I know I may end up worrying about worrying.
I have been going to therapy, regular pdoc visits to stay on my medicine, nothing helps. What DID help was having the hope of potential businesses I was starting and a opportunity of doing some independent contractor work with my dad. I think that little amount of freedom and normalcy let me deal with everything else like seeing friends or going to a family get together a breeze. It feels like I can't do it all though. The past week or so everyday I wake up in a panic. I'm still trying to start a business, still looking at other opportunities, but my brain keeps going into limp mode and no matter how hard I fight I can't get ahead.
Anyone else feel this way? What did you do? It's not like I can get disability or something, I want to be a successful individual, I want to feel purpose, I feel like I'm failing at life and won't be able to continue this forever.
I'm a married 27 year old, extremely supportive wife, I live a pretty good life, but anxiety and depression have controlled me everyday since at least the first grade. I have not had a real job since 2013 because I literally have a phobia to commit. I'm petrified as to why this is and have tried to hide the feeling by running odd ball jobs and trying to start a couple of small businesses now, even working from home. It has come to the point where I'm horrified that I won't get better. I'm currently on Wellbutrin, Prozac, Gabapentin, and Xanax on an as needed basis for panic attacks.
My overall health the past six months or so has been great. I have been getting out a lot, motivation is higher, I'm losing weight due to a lot of exercise, and so on. The Xanax was a gift from God and I find myself not needing to take it but it's more like a "emergency backup" so I can take it with me and just knowing I have it if I need it keeps me from having a panic attack.
Anyway, I was just told about a job. Not even offered a job. I agreed to go and talk to some people about it tomorrow and now I have been having panic attacks, nausea, stomach issues, etc. I'm scared for my own future. I'm scared that I will never be anybody despite my mindset thinking I will be. Sometimes it's a constant fight to just get out of bed. I don't understand where this fear comes from. I have had some bad experiences especially in my school days. I use to get sick from stress a lot, which then lead to panic attacks about getting sick or having panic attacks. My last job was supportive but I had to call out a lot, I would force myself to go many days hoping things would improve once I got out there but would have to leave early. It was a horrible experience and I swear it lead to me literally being horrified of committing to someone on a job type basis. Even agreeing to meet someone for lunch scares me sometimes. I don't even like making family get together plans in advance because I know I may end up worrying about worrying.
I have been going to therapy, regular pdoc visits to stay on my medicine, nothing helps. What DID help was having the hope of potential businesses I was starting and a opportunity of doing some independent contractor work with my dad. I think that little amount of freedom and normalcy let me deal with everything else like seeing friends or going to a family get together a breeze. It feels like I can't do it all though. The past week or so everyday I wake up in a panic. I'm still trying to start a business, still looking at other opportunities, but my brain keeps going into limp mode and no matter how hard I fight I can't get ahead.
Anyone else feel this way? What did you do? It's not like I can get disability or something, I want to be a successful individual, I want to feel purpose, I feel like I'm failing at life and won't be able to continue this forever.