Sami27
07-11-2015, 03:34 PM
Hey there~
I'm still quite young and I feel that most people on this site might be a lot older than me, or have gone through a lot more or have worse problems with their anxiety or such, but anyway I joined this site because lately I've been feeling the need to just get something off my chest.
I want to share with you kind strangers what I've been through before I started feeling social phobia and how I've had to deal with it over the years. It's gonna bed a long read, but maybe you can relate?
For years I've felt that I've had a problem, but I've never been to any doctor to tell me so or anything like that. Since I was young I was that child in my class that had her head 'up in the clouds' - at every single parents evening my teacher would complain that I was almost never paying attention, but it didn't bother them so much because I was doing well in school - I was a 'smart' girl that strangely never seemed to be paying attention. Back then, around 6 or 7 years old or so, I didn't really feel scared of other people around me - I kept to myself, I only talked when I felt like talking and not just for the sake of talking, and I played with whoever I wanted to. As a young girl I was friends with almost all the kids in my estate, including the kids even 5 years older than me, that would knock on my door and ask my parents if I could come out to play!
So why aren't I like this now? That's what I've been asking myself for so long: what changed? Seriously, what changed to make me go from a girl who loved meet, play and talk with all kinds of people, to a girl who's so scared of the world?
Well, for starters I was bullied for a couple of years in primary school (I'm in the UK, so that's basically from 3 years to 11 years old). So this kind of started when I was about 8. It was a small multicultural handful of about 4 boys that pretty much mocked me for being fat (which today I find so strange because looking at all my school photos today, I am pretty sure I was not fat - today I am about UK size 12-14 (which is like size 8-10 in the US, and I have never once in my life attempted to lose weight, in case you're wondering!) There weren't very many chubby people to be compared to back in the day (to be honest, they didn't last long in that school - the bullying was mad sometimes...)
But anyway, being mocked for years over my weight did a good number on my self-esteem right up until secondary school. Oh and just randomly, I still remember one day when someone in my class noticed that his friend apparently fancied me, and then he literally said out loud, while I was sitting right there, "Ughhhhh how can you like her? You're such a disgrace." I keep telling myself, well that was just a dumb kid voicing his stupid opinion - but then for me to remember that whole moment from so long ago, I guess it must have hurt me a lot..? Now that I think about that, since then I've always found it strange to find someone that actually fancies me today! I would just think to myself, 'but why???' 'I'm no one special...I don't really think I'm worth being loved.' Such a dumb way of thinking, isn't it!
I wouldn't really call these all major things to be honest, but don't you find it how sometimes it's the little, minor or childish kind of things that seem to linger in the back of your mind and just taunt you.....and you won't even realise how much such thoughts can damage you because you just know it shouldn't be such a big deal, so why treat it like it is?
When I was in Year 4 (so about 9 years old), I had a really strange teacher. I could have sworn she was out to expel me from that school. She would refer to me, a quiet, obedient child that barely spoke in class half the time, as a rude, unruly child. There was one time when we were having a class competition in science, my team got an answer right, and then I said to a boy on the other team the exact same words I saw on a children's show (on CBBC) the day before: "Booyah! In your face!" Then immediately, my teacher screams my name and tells me to 'GET OUT OF THIS CLASSROOM RIGHT NOW'. Just for that harmless statement, with no intention of being rude or aggressive actually, she removed me from the class and sent me to sit outside of the headteacher's office! A bit much, right!!
Over the year that teacher continued to find all sorts of reasons to remove me from the class - and the whole 'lack of attention' thing I had going on over the years did NOT help at all. Until finally she managed to arrange a meeting between the headteacher and my parents to discuss my 'unruly behaviour'.
Funny how NONE of these problems every happened a year later when I had a completely different class teacher~
Anyway, moving on, so when I arrived in secondary school - an all-girls school in fact - where the next problem is finding new friends and fitting into a half-decent social circle, I noticed that I was starting to get really anxious. Not like the 'oh it's a new school' kind of anxious, but more of the 'ah half a year has passed and all I can think about every day is what the people around me think of me'. I was starting to feel as if everyone around me was constantly judging my every movement - I couldn't cross the road without worrying that people thought that I wasn't crossing the road right and just looked plain weird! I couldn't walk across the school quad without looking down at the ground and hoping that no one was whispering about me. Such a narcissistic way of thinking, right? But more and more I was caring way too much about being judged by others. I remember one day a friend had her skirt rolled all the way down to her ankles and looking wonky, then my other, closer friend noticed me frantically looking around to check if anyone was looking our way. I remember this moment so well because in my friend's eye it was as if she was asking me, 'What are you so worried about?' And I just felt so embarrassed at that moment, that I was such a weirdo for caring so much about the opinions of people I didn't even know.
Over the years, I noticed myself becoming more and more reclusive. I could talk and talk and talk and be as weird as I wanted with those friends closest to me, but with others outside of my tiny social circle, I could barely talk with them. In classrooms where everyone would talk and discuss all kinds of things, I would keep quiet and say nothing. Working in groups with random classmates was always the worst, because I felt as though I had no idea how to talk to them. I just couldn't do it. And I didn't know why. And I HATED that I didn't know why. But what was worse was that these people had obviously seen what a lively person I am when with my good friends, so when I acted so unnaturally quiet and unmoving - it's horrible when I know the reason I couldn't 'contribute ideas' to a group project was because I was just to scared to. To scared to be judged for what I was saying, maybe anxious that my ideas would probably sound stupid, and most of the time just too scared to open my mouth and bring words out of them.
When walking down the street and someone was to walk past me, I could feel myself becoming instantly on guard - like that feeling as if someone is about to attack you or something, but obviously this isn't going to happen because I knew that this random stranger would simply just walk past me, so why couldn't my body just understand this?? I would usually get me phone out of my pocket and pretend that there's something interesting on the screen to stare at as I walked past the person.
And buying things in the shops was always the worst - this horrible, horrible, panicky feeling I would get when paying for my items at the checkout... Ugh, just no...
And work experience at an office has always felt like a big NOPE - getting up to speak to a workmate nearby requires so much mental energy it's unbelievable, and answering phone calls is a complete no-no (I don't know why I panic so much when it's just a voice I'm speaking to..!) There was even one time I had pizza with workmates and spent the entire dinner with my head down looking awkwardly at my internet-less phone while everyone except me happily conversed.....
And another thing: public speaking. Now this is the weirdest bit because I actually like speaking in public. From my experiences I've noticed that I'm actually good at it and I should actually have the confidence to do it. But what I've actually come to realise is that I would so much rather speak in front of an audience of 300 people, rather than a small panel of 5-30 people. So strange, right?
But lately, I've started to realise that it's because with an audience of hundreds of people: 1. I cannot see all of their faces at once so it's technically harder to get that feeling that certain people are judging me, and 2. When publicly speaking, I guess the main worry is that people will think what you're saying is stupid or uninteresting or something, but the thing is, out of lots and lots of people, the chances are that at least a good number of them will like you and enjoy your presentation I guess! XD
When speaking by my self in front of a smaller group of people, I notice that I seem to end up with little to no confidence in myself to be honest - I start doing all kinds of obviously-nervous movements with my hands, talking with a weird pace, and overall just hearing in the back of my mind, after looking at the group of people's faces, that everything I'm saying is totally wrong and no one will agree with what I'm saying and I must be doing this so badly and on and on and on and more and more senseless assumptions when everything I'm saying is probably just fine!!!! It's such an annoying and self-destructive way of thinking, isn't it...!
I'm still quite young and I feel that most people on this site might be a lot older than me, or have gone through a lot more or have worse problems with their anxiety or such, but anyway I joined this site because lately I've been feeling the need to just get something off my chest.
I want to share with you kind strangers what I've been through before I started feeling social phobia and how I've had to deal with it over the years. It's gonna bed a long read, but maybe you can relate?
For years I've felt that I've had a problem, but I've never been to any doctor to tell me so or anything like that. Since I was young I was that child in my class that had her head 'up in the clouds' - at every single parents evening my teacher would complain that I was almost never paying attention, but it didn't bother them so much because I was doing well in school - I was a 'smart' girl that strangely never seemed to be paying attention. Back then, around 6 or 7 years old or so, I didn't really feel scared of other people around me - I kept to myself, I only talked when I felt like talking and not just for the sake of talking, and I played with whoever I wanted to. As a young girl I was friends with almost all the kids in my estate, including the kids even 5 years older than me, that would knock on my door and ask my parents if I could come out to play!
So why aren't I like this now? That's what I've been asking myself for so long: what changed? Seriously, what changed to make me go from a girl who loved meet, play and talk with all kinds of people, to a girl who's so scared of the world?
Well, for starters I was bullied for a couple of years in primary school (I'm in the UK, so that's basically from 3 years to 11 years old). So this kind of started when I was about 8. It was a small multicultural handful of about 4 boys that pretty much mocked me for being fat (which today I find so strange because looking at all my school photos today, I am pretty sure I was not fat - today I am about UK size 12-14 (which is like size 8-10 in the US, and I have never once in my life attempted to lose weight, in case you're wondering!) There weren't very many chubby people to be compared to back in the day (to be honest, they didn't last long in that school - the bullying was mad sometimes...)
But anyway, being mocked for years over my weight did a good number on my self-esteem right up until secondary school. Oh and just randomly, I still remember one day when someone in my class noticed that his friend apparently fancied me, and then he literally said out loud, while I was sitting right there, "Ughhhhh how can you like her? You're such a disgrace." I keep telling myself, well that was just a dumb kid voicing his stupid opinion - but then for me to remember that whole moment from so long ago, I guess it must have hurt me a lot..? Now that I think about that, since then I've always found it strange to find someone that actually fancies me today! I would just think to myself, 'but why???' 'I'm no one special...I don't really think I'm worth being loved.' Such a dumb way of thinking, isn't it!
I wouldn't really call these all major things to be honest, but don't you find it how sometimes it's the little, minor or childish kind of things that seem to linger in the back of your mind and just taunt you.....and you won't even realise how much such thoughts can damage you because you just know it shouldn't be such a big deal, so why treat it like it is?
When I was in Year 4 (so about 9 years old), I had a really strange teacher. I could have sworn she was out to expel me from that school. She would refer to me, a quiet, obedient child that barely spoke in class half the time, as a rude, unruly child. There was one time when we were having a class competition in science, my team got an answer right, and then I said to a boy on the other team the exact same words I saw on a children's show (on CBBC) the day before: "Booyah! In your face!" Then immediately, my teacher screams my name and tells me to 'GET OUT OF THIS CLASSROOM RIGHT NOW'. Just for that harmless statement, with no intention of being rude or aggressive actually, she removed me from the class and sent me to sit outside of the headteacher's office! A bit much, right!!
Over the year that teacher continued to find all sorts of reasons to remove me from the class - and the whole 'lack of attention' thing I had going on over the years did NOT help at all. Until finally she managed to arrange a meeting between the headteacher and my parents to discuss my 'unruly behaviour'.
Funny how NONE of these problems every happened a year later when I had a completely different class teacher~
Anyway, moving on, so when I arrived in secondary school - an all-girls school in fact - where the next problem is finding new friends and fitting into a half-decent social circle, I noticed that I was starting to get really anxious. Not like the 'oh it's a new school' kind of anxious, but more of the 'ah half a year has passed and all I can think about every day is what the people around me think of me'. I was starting to feel as if everyone around me was constantly judging my every movement - I couldn't cross the road without worrying that people thought that I wasn't crossing the road right and just looked plain weird! I couldn't walk across the school quad without looking down at the ground and hoping that no one was whispering about me. Such a narcissistic way of thinking, right? But more and more I was caring way too much about being judged by others. I remember one day a friend had her skirt rolled all the way down to her ankles and looking wonky, then my other, closer friend noticed me frantically looking around to check if anyone was looking our way. I remember this moment so well because in my friend's eye it was as if she was asking me, 'What are you so worried about?' And I just felt so embarrassed at that moment, that I was such a weirdo for caring so much about the opinions of people I didn't even know.
Over the years, I noticed myself becoming more and more reclusive. I could talk and talk and talk and be as weird as I wanted with those friends closest to me, but with others outside of my tiny social circle, I could barely talk with them. In classrooms where everyone would talk and discuss all kinds of things, I would keep quiet and say nothing. Working in groups with random classmates was always the worst, because I felt as though I had no idea how to talk to them. I just couldn't do it. And I didn't know why. And I HATED that I didn't know why. But what was worse was that these people had obviously seen what a lively person I am when with my good friends, so when I acted so unnaturally quiet and unmoving - it's horrible when I know the reason I couldn't 'contribute ideas' to a group project was because I was just to scared to. To scared to be judged for what I was saying, maybe anxious that my ideas would probably sound stupid, and most of the time just too scared to open my mouth and bring words out of them.
When walking down the street and someone was to walk past me, I could feel myself becoming instantly on guard - like that feeling as if someone is about to attack you or something, but obviously this isn't going to happen because I knew that this random stranger would simply just walk past me, so why couldn't my body just understand this?? I would usually get me phone out of my pocket and pretend that there's something interesting on the screen to stare at as I walked past the person.
And buying things in the shops was always the worst - this horrible, horrible, panicky feeling I would get when paying for my items at the checkout... Ugh, just no...
And work experience at an office has always felt like a big NOPE - getting up to speak to a workmate nearby requires so much mental energy it's unbelievable, and answering phone calls is a complete no-no (I don't know why I panic so much when it's just a voice I'm speaking to..!) There was even one time I had pizza with workmates and spent the entire dinner with my head down looking awkwardly at my internet-less phone while everyone except me happily conversed.....
And another thing: public speaking. Now this is the weirdest bit because I actually like speaking in public. From my experiences I've noticed that I'm actually good at it and I should actually have the confidence to do it. But what I've actually come to realise is that I would so much rather speak in front of an audience of 300 people, rather than a small panel of 5-30 people. So strange, right?
But lately, I've started to realise that it's because with an audience of hundreds of people: 1. I cannot see all of their faces at once so it's technically harder to get that feeling that certain people are judging me, and 2. When publicly speaking, I guess the main worry is that people will think what you're saying is stupid or uninteresting or something, but the thing is, out of lots and lots of people, the chances are that at least a good number of them will like you and enjoy your presentation I guess! XD
When speaking by my self in front of a smaller group of people, I notice that I seem to end up with little to no confidence in myself to be honest - I start doing all kinds of obviously-nervous movements with my hands, talking with a weird pace, and overall just hearing in the back of my mind, after looking at the group of people's faces, that everything I'm saying is totally wrong and no one will agree with what I'm saying and I must be doing this so badly and on and on and on and more and more senseless assumptions when everything I'm saying is probably just fine!!!! It's such an annoying and self-destructive way of thinking, isn't it...!