A small attempt for advice..

[so0705]

I've been struggling bad with depression and heavy anxiety since February...
It was right before I graduated university..
I started having bad panic attacks and something my mom had told me two years ago had been truly blooming in my head like a weed :c
My parents had a bitter divorce...very common..and one day she randomly spouted out that my father was a pedophile and molester..
later on these claims were proven untrue.. but the damage was done you know...that's a hard thing to unthink about your own father..
but the time I had spent festering on it so much had caused my imagination to go crazy..
I now frequently suffer with 'Bad Thoughts' which I'm trying to work on with this book I found.
All I can concentrate on is the idea of me dying..
Just overwhelming thoughts of it....I don't in any way want to take my life, but I'm very haunted by images of WHAT IF.. which is iffy on the topic of those "Bad Thoughts"..
I lived abroad when I was younger and loved it
It's been my literal only goal and dream for years to go back abroad and work..
I have a hard time driving still with anxiety..but this new life...travel..job....it'll be like 20 hours on a flight...I'll be living alone for the first time in my life...be starting my first career ever..
I feel like with the anxiety build up of everything I don't know what to expect...that I'm going to die...for no reason..just that overwhelming feeling that I'm going to die when I get over there.....
I can't sit in a safe zone my whole life...it gives me that much more time to fester and overthink...
I just feel like I'm going to die if I go...

I feel very self centered talking about myself like this....I'm sure I'm writing this poorly...
but any advice would be greatly appreciated...
I'm finishing up my application for my job, will get an interview...
I do know people over in this country...but I fear being isolated...living alone...in a foreign country....even if i chose to come home it's another 20 hour flight..
I've sat around so long that I've festered HARD on the idea of 'what if life isn't real at all...it doesn't feel real....what if...' because I'm not handling this well at all..can't comprehend this is what I'm actually having to deal with.... It is my biggest fear since I was young..people with mental problems...so this is very enlightening..

I just want the reassurance...need it...that i'll be okay going abroad working..
I just feel overwhelmed by the idea of 'what if I have a panic attack and i'm living alone...i'll feel so scared and like i'm dying.....
I keep thinking 'what if my anxiety gets worse and one day i just you know...up and snap WHAT IF...and I want to take my life....
I don't want to...at all...but I'm haunted by the what ifs..

I'm not sure what to do..
I had one counselor at school who was great..
then when I graduated I had to find another...and she was horrid..
I'm taking some herbal pills for anxiety/stress and they seem to help..

I guess that's the gist of it all..this is my first time on this forum..but I'm just so unsure of what to do..
I'm thankful for anyone who even opens this u____u

[JohnC]

Well as long as you're not going over to work for ISIS or whatever they call themself i think you will be fine. I left home and went 3,000 miles from where i was raised and i remember when i got there i had a full blown panic attack but it went away and then everything was ok. It just takes a minute to calm yourself once you get to your destination and get your head in the game of why you are there. You will be so busy you'll forget all about the anxiety.

If it is that ISIS thing you better get your head out of your ass!!!! :)

[so0705]

Ahah.. It's East Asia that I'm going to work! Hm I've already lived there before as a student for a year thankfully. It's the build up making it worse. It's not something to look forward to, a panic attack, but something that is to be probably expected yeah....It may happen, probably will, but it will end, all panic attacks do. So you're doing okay after you moved? I think I'll be busy a lot and that'll help distract my mind a lot. The dumb anxiety has me overwhelmed that 'what if it gets worse and I die or something'...I appreciate your advice a lot :c Just an intimidating step

[Vikki Long]

Hi
I only came here yesterday and still getting to grips with all this. I hope you can get resources you need from here.
If working abroad is something you want to do, go for it, think of all the good over rather than bad. Over thinking things can makes things seem 10x worse than they are. I do it all the time. It been costly for me. My anxiety is high and the over thinking back but I'm fighting back I'm refusing to give into all. However I know its easier said than done.
Could you not live, with one of people you know there?

[so0705]

Hi! ;__; hm yeah overthinking does seem to make it a lot worse..
I've just been anxious/depressed so long that I'm worried about the new scenery and living alone because I can only think of the worst.
At the moment, I'm not able to have a roommate over there since my job is going to cover my housing. I have a friend who may be in the same region as I am, as well as a couple people I met a couple years ago. I won't be home a lot of the time...I'll be very busy but I just have gotten into the habit or worrying SO much...I'm hoping it'll be a distraction...a lot of people say the distraction helps a lot..if you remain busy...you don't have all that extra time to get in your head you know.. I'm about to finish my applications and ready an interview today. I just need a good push knowing I'm going to be safe and be okay and do the right thing T___T can't let my bad anxiety hold me back from what I've been working on for years...

[Vikki Long]

You just need to remain strong and remember all the good rather than thee bad. But again its easirer said than done part of my problem is I have no one to talk to face face (apart from my doctor ) My partner doesn't understand and my parents don't know what's going on due to the fact my sister is causing massive problem and my mother seriously unwell. As long as you have people over there you will be OK, the change will be hard but like you said once you start working you won't be able to over think to much.

[JohnC]

The waiting is always the hardest part for me. Even at work if they would tell me i had a meeting in a week and the whole company was to attend i would fret about it all week until it got there BUT if they called the meeting at the last minute i had no time to fret about it. Waiting............. Hate it

[RoderickLariviere]

I think if you have anxiety feeling and want to do the job outside then it is better to go there and refresh your mind. Don't feel that you will be isolated by other people. Have positive thing in your mind this will build self-confidence within you and you will get out of the anxiety.