Apricot
07-09-2015, 04:01 PM
Hey everyone,
I joined this forum recently because I'm a bit overwhelmed and don't have many places to turn, and because I'm lacking ideas about what to go or where to go next. In other words, I'm a little bit lost and scared. I'm a 21 year old male, turning 22 next month. I've been seeing councilors, therapists and psychologists for 6 or 7 years but it hasn't been largely successful, something has always been preventing me from establishing much with them and I haven't figured out what it is or why.
I think I may have a lot of issues apart from anxiety, but recently anxiety has been the major issue interfering with my ability to function properly. As far as I know I don't have any disorders, most of the psychologists I've seen have told me so, but I'm not sure if I fully trust their judgment even if they're qualified and I'm not. They tell me that it's largely a cognitive and behavioral thing, but I always get the feeling they only ever see one particular side of me, and that there are other sides that I was never able to share with them (for some reason that I'm unaware of) that if they saw, they might think differently.
That's something I want to discuss briefly, but before I do I just want to address the anxiety-related issues first. So, basically, on a daily, weekly and monthly basis I get these reoccurring fears that I don't know how to deal with:
I worry that my future is going to be bleak and grim
I'm afraid to go out into public because I get hyper-sensitive toward people noticing or being aware of my presence
I'm worried that I'm running out of time
I doubt whether I've made the correct long-term decisions about what I should aim for in life
I get paranoid that a particular ex-flatmate is preparing to seek vengeance on me for reasons I don't understand
I get paranoid that I'm somehow being monitored / under surveillance by an unknown entity co-operating with my ex-flatmate and / or people from my work team last year
I frequently doubt whether I'm sane, if I ever was sane, or if I ever will be sane
I get distressed about whether sanity is real or if it's a lie that I shouldn't pay attention to
I get overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts during regular social interaction and end up not being able to complete simple tasks
I routinely doubt whether I did something properly or if I did it at all
I get worried that I'm not meeting the mark I'm supposed to be meeting, but I don't even know what the mark is
I get distressed when I'm unable to confidently establish what I truly believe and what I've deluded myself into thinking I believe
I get disressed that specific and particular scenarios will occur in the future, persecution, blame, harassment, etc, and I won't be able to prevent them because they will be out of my control
I get overwhelmed when thinking about conformity; does conformity serve good or bad purposes? what extent should I conform and in what way? is it real or an illusion? etc
I worry that almost every decision, if not every decision I make is a wrong one
Those are just some examples but I'm almost certain there's a whole load more of similar ones. So I've chalked it down to general anxiety, including social anxiety, some variant of neurosis, and some kind of distress or panic related issue.
I joined this forum recently because I'm a bit overwhelmed and don't have many places to turn, and because I'm lacking ideas about what to go or where to go next. In other words, I'm a little bit lost and scared. I'm a 21 year old male, turning 22 next month. I've been seeing councilors, therapists and psychologists for 6 or 7 years but it hasn't been largely successful, something has always been preventing me from establishing much with them and I haven't figured out what it is or why.
I think I may have a lot of issues apart from anxiety, but recently anxiety has been the major issue interfering with my ability to function properly. As far as I know I don't have any disorders, most of the psychologists I've seen have told me so, but I'm not sure if I fully trust their judgment even if they're qualified and I'm not. They tell me that it's largely a cognitive and behavioral thing, but I always get the feeling they only ever see one particular side of me, and that there are other sides that I was never able to share with them (for some reason that I'm unaware of) that if they saw, they might think differently.
That's something I want to discuss briefly, but before I do I just want to address the anxiety-related issues first. So, basically, on a daily, weekly and monthly basis I get these reoccurring fears that I don't know how to deal with:
I worry that my future is going to be bleak and grim
I'm afraid to go out into public because I get hyper-sensitive toward people noticing or being aware of my presence
I'm worried that I'm running out of time
I doubt whether I've made the correct long-term decisions about what I should aim for in life
I get paranoid that a particular ex-flatmate is preparing to seek vengeance on me for reasons I don't understand
I get paranoid that I'm somehow being monitored / under surveillance by an unknown entity co-operating with my ex-flatmate and / or people from my work team last year
I frequently doubt whether I'm sane, if I ever was sane, or if I ever will be sane
I get distressed about whether sanity is real or if it's a lie that I shouldn't pay attention to
I get overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts during regular social interaction and end up not being able to complete simple tasks
I routinely doubt whether I did something properly or if I did it at all
I get worried that I'm not meeting the mark I'm supposed to be meeting, but I don't even know what the mark is
I get distressed when I'm unable to confidently establish what I truly believe and what I've deluded myself into thinking I believe
I get disressed that specific and particular scenarios will occur in the future, persecution, blame, harassment, etc, and I won't be able to prevent them because they will be out of my control
I get overwhelmed when thinking about conformity; does conformity serve good or bad purposes? what extent should I conform and in what way? is it real or an illusion? etc
I worry that almost every decision, if not every decision I make is a wrong one
Those are just some examples but I'm almost certain there's a whole load more of similar ones. So I've chalked it down to general anxiety, including social anxiety, some variant of neurosis, and some kind of distress or panic related issue.