alittlelost
07-05-2015, 06:21 PM
Hi all – this site is new to me and I’m not quite sure I’m doing it right so apologies if this is going to be too long winded or if I’m posting in the wrong place.
I’ll start of by given you a bit of background but please don’t judge me until you’ve read the whole thing. At times I may appear to be ‘bigging myself up’ but I’m not, rather I’m trying to understand my ‘condition’ (if that’s what we call it) whilst also being aware of how lucky I am.
So...I’m in my mid twenties, graduated from uni at 21 with a 1st class honors degree, have a job that pays well for my age (though is intense/ stressful), have the most loving and patient boyfriend and I have a mother who is sooooo supportive and who tries her best to help but, probably because she’s never had it, doesn’t quite ‘get it’.
My early childhood was a happy one, I enjoyed school, home life was stable, loving family etc. I was sexually abused by a friend of the family at around the age of 8 years and whist this is obviously a significant thing I believe I have worked through it and made sense of it the best I can at this point in my life. I don’t want that to be a massive consideration here but felt I needed to share it because it undoubtedly plays some part.
Life was ok until my mid teens when my brother died suddenly. Following this I had sever panic attacks which pretty much took over my life. I link my panic attacks to the death of my brother purely because of the timing, but they may not be related. At the beginning I couldn’t leave the house, missed a lot of school etc my mother supported me intensely. I didn’t identify what I was experiencing as ‘anxiety’ or ‘panic disorder’ until about 3 months in. It’s something my family had never experienced before and because I was such an outgoing, confident person before the death of my brother, I think people just never really considered it. When we figured out that it was panic attacks I saw a doctor who referred me to a CPN, I was fast tracked through the waiting list because of suicidal thoughts. The CPN didn’t help, she was always late and cancelling apps and made me feel more lost so I stopped seeing her after 3 apps. I refused medication from the doctor because I was feeling so vulnerable, scared and exhausted that I thought any relief provided, no matter how small, would be so good that I’d become addicted.
I worked through my issues with minimal input from professionals, though copious amounts of support from my mum. I managed to pass my school exams and move away from home to uni. To begin with I avoided certain things (bussy halls/ alcohol) because I new they’d bring on a panic attack but by the end of uni I would say anxiety and panic had a very minor impact on my life and I was living life to the full again (though still don’t drink alcohol). I got a job, then another job where I have been fore approx. 3 years now.
Unfortunately my anxiety is back but I’m not quite sure what to make of it or what I can do to make it better, it’s very different but just as scary. The following are some common feelings I get:
• Some days I have very strong feelings of just emptiness, boredom and loneliness. I feel unmotivated and just feel apathy towards anything I’m doing. I’ve tried to get interested in things, and some days it works, but at least 40% of the time I feel I’m being false, ‘pretending’ to be interested when I’m not. I want to be interested.
• I never think about ending my life, I am not suicidal at all, but at the same time I do question what the point is if I’m not enjoying my life and living it to the fullest.
• I find it difficult to be interest in people. I get extremely frustrated when people talk about things I think are trivial which also means I’ve drifted away from friends. I really wish I could be interested and feel awful and selfish for not being but I feel I have nothing in common with most people. I can also become very irritable at the slightest thing and often take this out on the people I care for the most.
• I think I have low self esteem or self worth but there’s so many terms I can’t figure out what one. I compare myself to others both in the physical sense (‘she’s prettier than me’...I know it’s pathetic and shallow) but also by characteristics – like if they are empathetic/ friendly/ funny. I want to be all those things but I also want to be authentic and I get angry at myself for not naturally being like this, which is bizarre because most people would say I was all of those things. I feel like it’s not really me though, like if people could see the ‘real’ me (whoever that is) that they’d dislike me.
• I convince myself that my boyfriend is going to find someone else, someone better, someone like the person I used to be. I have obsessive thoughts about this. He has never done anything to make me question his loyalty or his feelings towards me but it’s constantly on my mind, sometimes this leads to arguments (which are completely my fault) and I think I almost try and push him away as a strategy to avoid the inevitable, which is that he’ll leave one day anyways. Then I feel all the guilt and frustration afterward, and when these feelings have subsided and I’m thinking more rationally I feel pathetic and stupid which then only adds to my fear that he’ll leave me.
• I look at people around me, they are happy, having fun, I wish I could be like them. If you asked any of my acquaintances (not close friends because they know the reality) they’d probably say I was confident, attractive, intelligent. All very nice things but it doesn’t help because I then feel guilty and frustrated for the feelings I have and beat myself up because I should be grateful but instead I feel pathetic and selfish.
• I went through a short period of almost OCD like behavior. Having to return home two or three times because I convinced myself I’d left my straighteners on, for example, though because this was more ‘objective’ I think I’ve pretty much worked through this.
• My whole night can be ruined even if someone just looks at me in a funny way, says an of the cuff comment etc.
Anyways, any advice/ tips would be greatly appreciated. I know I’m not a crisis point, which a lot of people are, and at one point I was, but I don’t want to drift through life not making the most of it. I’m sure the above is anxiety based but I just don’t know what form it is and how to begin to sort myself out. I feel selfish and horrible for feeling this way when I know so many people are going through worse than me.
I’ll start of by given you a bit of background but please don’t judge me until you’ve read the whole thing. At times I may appear to be ‘bigging myself up’ but I’m not, rather I’m trying to understand my ‘condition’ (if that’s what we call it) whilst also being aware of how lucky I am.
So...I’m in my mid twenties, graduated from uni at 21 with a 1st class honors degree, have a job that pays well for my age (though is intense/ stressful), have the most loving and patient boyfriend and I have a mother who is sooooo supportive and who tries her best to help but, probably because she’s never had it, doesn’t quite ‘get it’.
My early childhood was a happy one, I enjoyed school, home life was stable, loving family etc. I was sexually abused by a friend of the family at around the age of 8 years and whist this is obviously a significant thing I believe I have worked through it and made sense of it the best I can at this point in my life. I don’t want that to be a massive consideration here but felt I needed to share it because it undoubtedly plays some part.
Life was ok until my mid teens when my brother died suddenly. Following this I had sever panic attacks which pretty much took over my life. I link my panic attacks to the death of my brother purely because of the timing, but they may not be related. At the beginning I couldn’t leave the house, missed a lot of school etc my mother supported me intensely. I didn’t identify what I was experiencing as ‘anxiety’ or ‘panic disorder’ until about 3 months in. It’s something my family had never experienced before and because I was such an outgoing, confident person before the death of my brother, I think people just never really considered it. When we figured out that it was panic attacks I saw a doctor who referred me to a CPN, I was fast tracked through the waiting list because of suicidal thoughts. The CPN didn’t help, she was always late and cancelling apps and made me feel more lost so I stopped seeing her after 3 apps. I refused medication from the doctor because I was feeling so vulnerable, scared and exhausted that I thought any relief provided, no matter how small, would be so good that I’d become addicted.
I worked through my issues with minimal input from professionals, though copious amounts of support from my mum. I managed to pass my school exams and move away from home to uni. To begin with I avoided certain things (bussy halls/ alcohol) because I new they’d bring on a panic attack but by the end of uni I would say anxiety and panic had a very minor impact on my life and I was living life to the full again (though still don’t drink alcohol). I got a job, then another job where I have been fore approx. 3 years now.
Unfortunately my anxiety is back but I’m not quite sure what to make of it or what I can do to make it better, it’s very different but just as scary. The following are some common feelings I get:
• Some days I have very strong feelings of just emptiness, boredom and loneliness. I feel unmotivated and just feel apathy towards anything I’m doing. I’ve tried to get interested in things, and some days it works, but at least 40% of the time I feel I’m being false, ‘pretending’ to be interested when I’m not. I want to be interested.
• I never think about ending my life, I am not suicidal at all, but at the same time I do question what the point is if I’m not enjoying my life and living it to the fullest.
• I find it difficult to be interest in people. I get extremely frustrated when people talk about things I think are trivial which also means I’ve drifted away from friends. I really wish I could be interested and feel awful and selfish for not being but I feel I have nothing in common with most people. I can also become very irritable at the slightest thing and often take this out on the people I care for the most.
• I think I have low self esteem or self worth but there’s so many terms I can’t figure out what one. I compare myself to others both in the physical sense (‘she’s prettier than me’...I know it’s pathetic and shallow) but also by characteristics – like if they are empathetic/ friendly/ funny. I want to be all those things but I also want to be authentic and I get angry at myself for not naturally being like this, which is bizarre because most people would say I was all of those things. I feel like it’s not really me though, like if people could see the ‘real’ me (whoever that is) that they’d dislike me.
• I convince myself that my boyfriend is going to find someone else, someone better, someone like the person I used to be. I have obsessive thoughts about this. He has never done anything to make me question his loyalty or his feelings towards me but it’s constantly on my mind, sometimes this leads to arguments (which are completely my fault) and I think I almost try and push him away as a strategy to avoid the inevitable, which is that he’ll leave one day anyways. Then I feel all the guilt and frustration afterward, and when these feelings have subsided and I’m thinking more rationally I feel pathetic and stupid which then only adds to my fear that he’ll leave me.
• I look at people around me, they are happy, having fun, I wish I could be like them. If you asked any of my acquaintances (not close friends because they know the reality) they’d probably say I was confident, attractive, intelligent. All very nice things but it doesn’t help because I then feel guilty and frustrated for the feelings I have and beat myself up because I should be grateful but instead I feel pathetic and selfish.
• I went through a short period of almost OCD like behavior. Having to return home two or three times because I convinced myself I’d left my straighteners on, for example, though because this was more ‘objective’ I think I’ve pretty much worked through this.
• My whole night can be ruined even if someone just looks at me in a funny way, says an of the cuff comment etc.
Anyways, any advice/ tips would be greatly appreciated. I know I’m not a crisis point, which a lot of people are, and at one point I was, but I don’t want to drift through life not making the most of it. I’m sure the above is anxiety based but I just don’t know what form it is and how to begin to sort myself out. I feel selfish and horrible for feeling this way when I know so many people are going through worse than me.