A Serious Lapse in Treatment

[Two One]

I've been struggling with severe anxiety since 2013, but when I found the right psychiatrist and therapist last summer it was like a miracle. I made vast improvements in such a short amount of time. I felt happy, I felt optimistic. I felt like I wasn't just taking steps to become anxiety free, I was making leaps. Sure, I had my days but they were nothing I couldn't handle. This year has been really up and down for me so far. Late February this year I felt liberated from my past that caused me daily guilt, shame, and anger and during March I was probably the happiest I've ever been. My anxiety was a rare occurrence. Unfortunately when April came around my anxiety started to work its way back in my life. I got a job and the lack of sleep caused my mood to drop and made me more anxious throughout the day. The bad hours and the constant grief from my former manager brought stress and worry back into my life. Once again I was becoming highly attuned to how my body felt. I expected everything to magically resolve itself this summer, just like it did last year. But things haven't gone that way.

It hasn't been my summer so far. My anxiety has seemingly come roaring back. I had two major panic attacks in June, prior to this year the last panic attack I had was September 2014. The mental and physical symptoms are returning. The constant worrying and fear, the racing thoughts, the stomach churning, the erratic bowel movements, labored breathing, and the muscle tension. Needless to say, this is causing me quite a bit of distress. The worst part is I'm back to fearing that I will get sick (as I have a fear of vomiting) nearly every day. It is impairing my ability to function, to go out with my friends etc. I'm desperately trying to recapture the "magic" I found last summer; but I feel the more I keep trying to relive the past, the more it hurts me. I keep telling myself that if I did it once I can do it again. It isn't happening. My appointments with my therapist go very well, but my anxiety returns the very next day. It's driving me crazy trying to figure out what I did last summer that miraculously helped me.

I've discovered quite a lot about myself through recent therapy sessions. I have a serious fear of losing control and becoming incapacitated. Specifically I fear that I will become so ill that I am unable to go to medical school and achieve all of the goals I've set for myself. This brings forth my fear of failure, which my therapist and I have deduced originates from my father's alcoholism. I'm very unsure about what to do right now. I have no hope, no faith, no optimism. There's so much internal struggle right now that I find it very hard to type out all of the thoughts that run through my mind. When I wake up in the middle of the night all I can think about is suicide. I feel like I had my chance to get better and I blew it.

[gypsylee]

No! You get more that one chance to get better :)

Anxiety is a beast of an illness and it will do this to you because you are sooo relieved when it seems to be going away. But it's not as simple as a purely physical illness which gets cured.

I think you might be adding a lot of what Claire Weekes calls the "second fear" to the anxiety. You're so scared of it coming back that you're panicking on top of the "original" anxiety. The original anxiety is just what happens when the body is stressed for too long eg. Sleep deprivation, work troubles etc. You need to take a step back and let your mind and body heal without adding any more fear to the mix. This is really tricky I know, but it's one of the keys to fixing anxiety disorders.

This whole fear of failure becomes a vicious circle and a self-fulfilling prophecy. It sounds like you have big plans and put a lot of pressure on yourself. It's good to have goals but you also need to be flexible.. It's not the end of the world if you don't achieve them :)

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[Two One]

No! You get more that one chance to get better :)

Anxiety is a beast of an illness and it will do this to you because you are sooo relieved when it seems to be going away. But it's not as simple as a purely physical illness which gets cured.

I think you might be adding a lot of what Claire Weekes calls the "second fear" to the anxiety. You're so scared of it coming back that you're panicking on top of the "original" anxiety. The original anxiety is just what happens when the body is stressed for too long eg. Sleep deprivation, work troubles etc. You need to take a step back and let your mind and body heal without adding any more fear to the mix. This is really tricky I know, but it's one of the keys to fixing anxiety disorders.

This whole fear of failure becomes a vicious circle and a self-fulfilling prophecy. It sounds like you have big plans and put a lot of pressure on yourself. It's good to have goals but you also need to be flexible.. It's not the end of the world if you don't achieve them :)

Cheers,
Gypsy x

I appreciate the response, Gypsy. I definitely agree with you about being incredibly relieved when anxiety starts to go away. As I said, I was improving so much so fast that I almost didn't trust it. It was too good to be true in my eyes. The second fear sounds like me. I was doing great earlier this year, but because I was I knew I had somewhere to fall. Last year there was nothing more that I could've lost. I was easily at the lowest point of my life, I had nowhere to go but up. Yeah... I definitely put too much pressure on myself. A lot of that comes from my existential thoughts that constantly cross my mind. I think you're right, though. I forget to give my mind and body the time to heal. My frustration causes me to think that if I know it's anxiety it should just go away. Unfortunately, that's just now how it works.