Herdvyn
06-30-2015, 07:13 PM
Hello !
I am new to this forum, even tho I am reading different forums about anxiety for a few weeks. At the moment I am feeling very anxious and I need to talk to someone... It is 3 am at home, I am tired but I don't want to sleep... I apologize in advance for the mistakes I might have made, I am not a native english speaker.
I am 22, and about a month ago I had a very difficult anxiety time. I think the problem really started in September 2014, after I went back from my summer's travel at my parent's house, feeling not in MY home and overwhelmed by the simple though of dealing with my life... When I traveled in summer 2014, I was really happy, I met a lot of people, I was on my own, feeling free as if I could do whatever I wanted. I had worked a lot to gain money to travel and I was proud of myself. It wasn't perfect of course, and I remeber talking to friends before leaving, telling them how scared I was to jump into the unknown, and I remember thinking ''what if I don't leave and I stay at home whitout bothering me?''. Every one was telling me I was a bit crazy to travel alone like that, but I was confident and I knew that it was what I really wanted to do.
But in September 2014, things slowly changed. I was working to do a personnal project for an application for an Art scool, and this was very hard, because even if I have a lot of ideas, it is very difficult for me to express them, as I have spent all my life to repress my emotions. So I was a bit depressed, I had negative thoughts, but it was mild so I didn't really realised what was happening, I was just feeling things were going slower, my sleeping was ok (but sometimes I was waking up at night with my heart going very fast, which was scaring me a lot) till I made my first panic attack, the following day of New Years's Eve. Anxiet became slowly worst, and I ended up doing some acupuncture to help me (in March), which was very usefull for a time.
But at that time I didn't really tried to understand why I was having this anxiety. I was thinking that I wasn't happy with my life and that I wasn't enough self confident (mostly beacause of my creativity difficulties and negative thoughts about my body), of course, but I wasn't really digging into it, I just wanted to errase the symptoms.
I finished my project for the application of the Art School, it was still hard but a lot easier, and I did that way till the end of April. I was so scared for the apointment at the Scool, it was ridiculous, the big fail... When I left I knew they wouldn't take me (and they didn't) and I cried all the way home. The following day I woke up with a clearer mind, knowing that as it was the dream of my life, I would just take another year, get better prepare, and try more application.
But in May, anxiety came back again, being stronger. I was scared of going out, I had irrational fears, it was very hard for me to organise myself, I forgot things, I was feeling so weak and thinking about doing another similar year, in my parents house, alone and sad, was unbearable. I had always be very empathic, but it was also getting out of hands, it was very hard for me to concentrate when I was going with friends in bars or other crowded places.
I decided I really wanted to deal with my anxiety and to find its roots. I started reading lots of stuff on the internet (which was often triggering my anxiety when it was about mental illness), books, ... A friend of mine doing energetic healing worked with me (4 times), telling me that this would bring a lot of stuff on the surface.
But I wasn't expecting this x) D+1 I was totally exhausted, I just stayed at home. D+2 I had the worst panic attack of my life ! I thought I was going mad, absolutely sure it was the end, that my life was ruined. I just wanted to run away, but where ? I was totally conscious I couldn't run away from myself... I was alone at home, and hopefully my father came, I spoke to him, telling him how I was feeling (which I never do), I cried a lot and it was feeling like a relief !
Then it lasted like 10 days, every day was a little bit less anxious. I realized a lot of things about the causes of my anxiety, about the relation with my parents and myself. The worst anxiety symptoms were really the mental one, because for days I was convinced I was somwhat schyzophrenic (or bipolar), and other irrationnal thoughts. Sometimes I was even scared of people, of loud noise, of sad news on the TV about the world...
I started a diary to help me focus and understand what was happening.
Then I met another perso who really helped me to understand my problem about my creativity, that my anxiety was due to anger and frustration I was feeling about myself.
So I worked on that... trying to create, listening to myself, building my self esteem again. It helped me released the blocked energy, the feelings and the thoughts, and thus I was feeling like I had a lot more energy and was feeling more happy than before, every day a little bit better. I decided to take an apointment with a psychologist to do some HiQ tests, because I was feeling from a long time that it might be a part of the problem (I 100% recognise myself into the ''gifted'' people but my parent never heard about it and I was never diagnosed).
But like 4 days ago, I waked up feeling a lot of energy, but like, too much. I was tensious, I wanted to relax to make it stop. I draw without trying to do anything specific, it helped me realising tension. I went to see some friends in the afternoon, and all of a sudden I was feeling very down and exhausted. I was worried and I asked them if it was normal, they told me it was fine so I was ok.
Today and the day before were also good days (even if yesterday was my birthday, I was irritable - I don't really like my brithday...), not really anxiety, but I was sometime thinking ''what if it doesn't last..?''. My mind was filled with new ideas, I just wrote them down because doing one thing at a time is also a part of the plan made with the woman I was speaking about earlier. I feel like I am always shifting from poor self image to confidence (but when I think stuff like ''I can do great things if I want to, that's possible'', I tend to ''cut'' the though, fearing that I might be over-confident).
And tonight, as very often, I am awaked in front of my computer, not because I am not tired, but because I am somehow scared of ending the day, of going to bed while there are so much things I want to do !
I have just read stuff about bipolar disorder, which makes me completely freaking out (no panic attack, but lots of anxiety) ! What if my travelling experiences were only due to a manic episod ? And maybe that the joy I feel these days is also due to that ! Thus I came here to talk... I am writing this message for a long time now, so I feel a little bit more relax. But I am still worried...
I just did a blood exam last week and my thyroid is fine.
Thank you for reading that :)
I am new to this forum, even tho I am reading different forums about anxiety for a few weeks. At the moment I am feeling very anxious and I need to talk to someone... It is 3 am at home, I am tired but I don't want to sleep... I apologize in advance for the mistakes I might have made, I am not a native english speaker.
I am 22, and about a month ago I had a very difficult anxiety time. I think the problem really started in September 2014, after I went back from my summer's travel at my parent's house, feeling not in MY home and overwhelmed by the simple though of dealing with my life... When I traveled in summer 2014, I was really happy, I met a lot of people, I was on my own, feeling free as if I could do whatever I wanted. I had worked a lot to gain money to travel and I was proud of myself. It wasn't perfect of course, and I remeber talking to friends before leaving, telling them how scared I was to jump into the unknown, and I remember thinking ''what if I don't leave and I stay at home whitout bothering me?''. Every one was telling me I was a bit crazy to travel alone like that, but I was confident and I knew that it was what I really wanted to do.
But in September 2014, things slowly changed. I was working to do a personnal project for an application for an Art scool, and this was very hard, because even if I have a lot of ideas, it is very difficult for me to express them, as I have spent all my life to repress my emotions. So I was a bit depressed, I had negative thoughts, but it was mild so I didn't really realised what was happening, I was just feeling things were going slower, my sleeping was ok (but sometimes I was waking up at night with my heart going very fast, which was scaring me a lot) till I made my first panic attack, the following day of New Years's Eve. Anxiet became slowly worst, and I ended up doing some acupuncture to help me (in March), which was very usefull for a time.
But at that time I didn't really tried to understand why I was having this anxiety. I was thinking that I wasn't happy with my life and that I wasn't enough self confident (mostly beacause of my creativity difficulties and negative thoughts about my body), of course, but I wasn't really digging into it, I just wanted to errase the symptoms.
I finished my project for the application of the Art School, it was still hard but a lot easier, and I did that way till the end of April. I was so scared for the apointment at the Scool, it was ridiculous, the big fail... When I left I knew they wouldn't take me (and they didn't) and I cried all the way home. The following day I woke up with a clearer mind, knowing that as it was the dream of my life, I would just take another year, get better prepare, and try more application.
But in May, anxiety came back again, being stronger. I was scared of going out, I had irrational fears, it was very hard for me to organise myself, I forgot things, I was feeling so weak and thinking about doing another similar year, in my parents house, alone and sad, was unbearable. I had always be very empathic, but it was also getting out of hands, it was very hard for me to concentrate when I was going with friends in bars or other crowded places.
I decided I really wanted to deal with my anxiety and to find its roots. I started reading lots of stuff on the internet (which was often triggering my anxiety when it was about mental illness), books, ... A friend of mine doing energetic healing worked with me (4 times), telling me that this would bring a lot of stuff on the surface.
But I wasn't expecting this x) D+1 I was totally exhausted, I just stayed at home. D+2 I had the worst panic attack of my life ! I thought I was going mad, absolutely sure it was the end, that my life was ruined. I just wanted to run away, but where ? I was totally conscious I couldn't run away from myself... I was alone at home, and hopefully my father came, I spoke to him, telling him how I was feeling (which I never do), I cried a lot and it was feeling like a relief !
Then it lasted like 10 days, every day was a little bit less anxious. I realized a lot of things about the causes of my anxiety, about the relation with my parents and myself. The worst anxiety symptoms were really the mental one, because for days I was convinced I was somwhat schyzophrenic (or bipolar), and other irrationnal thoughts. Sometimes I was even scared of people, of loud noise, of sad news on the TV about the world...
I started a diary to help me focus and understand what was happening.
Then I met another perso who really helped me to understand my problem about my creativity, that my anxiety was due to anger and frustration I was feeling about myself.
So I worked on that... trying to create, listening to myself, building my self esteem again. It helped me released the blocked energy, the feelings and the thoughts, and thus I was feeling like I had a lot more energy and was feeling more happy than before, every day a little bit better. I decided to take an apointment with a psychologist to do some HiQ tests, because I was feeling from a long time that it might be a part of the problem (I 100% recognise myself into the ''gifted'' people but my parent never heard about it and I was never diagnosed).
But like 4 days ago, I waked up feeling a lot of energy, but like, too much. I was tensious, I wanted to relax to make it stop. I draw without trying to do anything specific, it helped me realising tension. I went to see some friends in the afternoon, and all of a sudden I was feeling very down and exhausted. I was worried and I asked them if it was normal, they told me it was fine so I was ok.
Today and the day before were also good days (even if yesterday was my birthday, I was irritable - I don't really like my brithday...), not really anxiety, but I was sometime thinking ''what if it doesn't last..?''. My mind was filled with new ideas, I just wrote them down because doing one thing at a time is also a part of the plan made with the woman I was speaking about earlier. I feel like I am always shifting from poor self image to confidence (but when I think stuff like ''I can do great things if I want to, that's possible'', I tend to ''cut'' the though, fearing that I might be over-confident).
And tonight, as very often, I am awaked in front of my computer, not because I am not tired, but because I am somehow scared of ending the day, of going to bed while there are so much things I want to do !
I have just read stuff about bipolar disorder, which makes me completely freaking out (no panic attack, but lots of anxiety) ! What if my travelling experiences were only due to a manic episod ? And maybe that the joy I feel these days is also due to that ! Thus I came here to talk... I am writing this message for a long time now, so I feel a little bit more relax. But I am still worried...
I just did a blood exam last week and my thyroid is fine.
Thank you for reading that :)