My kind of anxiety...

[Kuma]

Some people are afraid to fly or drive over bridges or get in an elevator or even leave their house. And some think every headache is a neuroblastoma. My anxiety is different. For the most part, it manifests itself when I do or say something (or fail to do or say something) and then: (1) regret my "screw up", (2) replay the events over and over in my mind, including going over and over how I could have done or said it better, (3) castigate myself for it, and (4) worry about the potential consequences. Much of this happens at work -- but certainly not all of it.

This is not the only form my anxiety takes. But it is a recurring pattern for me. Does it sound familiar to anyone?

A therapist said I hold myself to a very high standard. OK, maybe that is true but what does one do with a comment like that. It is like saying "this is rooted in your childhood." OK, fine. Whatever. It is impossible to prove or disprove such as assertion. But regardless, there have to be practical ways to avoid such unnecessary stress...

[NixonRulz]

I find myself doing that occasionally still but realize where it is going and put the brakes on that quickly. I used to do it big time though

Being more concerned about how people thought of my words or actions became more important than if I stated my words or actions clear as how I truly felt

That was a real dick move on my part

[mrslizzyg]

Yesss, I am exactly the same way.

Mostly when it comes to saying/doing something that possibly disappointed someone or made them upset.


And it's not always MY screw up I can't stop thinking and replaying, but it's someone else's screw ups too. I can't let things go.

I've been told the same thing from therapists, that it is from my childhood. I have yet to find a way to avoid it, besides just keeping myself busy and not left alone with my thoughts. Even if it's just music.

You aren't alone, though. :)

[jessed03]

That was pretty much my childhood right there. :)

Unfortunately my nervous breakdown at 20 was so brutal that I did some of the most tragically embarrassing things. Think weeping on a packed train; think begging for my mum at a house party; think choking up in a job interview leaving me only with a whisper. Thankfully, that allowed me to get over the whole social anxiety thing.

Bringing my experience back to your post - I can see how that traumatic time meant my own mental standards dropped.

You do strike me as somebody who holds themselves to a high standard, Kuma. That's a compliment really, but I can understand it would have negative consequences. Have you attempted to tackle this with CBT? I can't see any reasons in your post as to why doing so wouldn't work.

[Kuma]

That was pretty much my childhood right there. :)

Unfortunately my nervous breakdown at 20 was so brutal that I did some of the most tragically embarrassing things. Think weeping on a packed train; think begging for my mum at a house party; think choking up in a job interview leaving me only with a whisper. Thankfully, that allowed me to get over the whole social anxiety thing.

Bringing my experience back to your post - I can see how that traumatic time meant my own mental standards dropped.

You do strike me as somebody who holds themselves to a high standard, Kuma. That's a compliment really, but I can understand it would have negative consequences. Have you attempted to tackle this with CBT? I can't see any reasons in your post as to why doing so wouldn't work.

I did CBT and I found it helpful. But I focused there mostly on a health-related concern -- a particular illness, which some family members have died of, and which I am at a high genetic risk of getting. I have spent far too much time worrying about that and, while the risk is certainly real, dwelling on it does not diminish the risk. I probably should have stuck with the CBT and tried to address this "say it and then regret it" issue too. I touched on it, but not enough. I also did the CBT at a time when my life was otherwise very busy, so maybe I did not devote enough time to it. It does take time and effort. Maybe I will go back to it at some point. I find the theory behind CBT very appealing. In part I stopped the CBT because I wanted to do marital counseling with my wife, and there's only so much I can do at once. The marital counseling has been very helpful.

[Im-Suffering]

Make a list on paper what it means to you to have 'high standards'. Be as thorough as possible. Come up with many examples, including work, marriage, parenting, mass (shared) beliefs, world views and so on.

Then go over the list examining each answer for (eye opening) personally held beliefs (each answer will contain a belief). Is this one mine or moms (or someone else)? Is this the way i want to be, act, live? Is this a belief i want to keep, does it make me happy?

This form of 'cognitive therapy' you can do on your own. With each answer, try to follow it back to a reason for the belief, where you can analyze why you hold such a concept as truth.

[jessed03]

Yes, and be cruel, too. Don't go protecting any of your demons. It can be tempting to think "I'm ok with this belief", or "this belief is sort of dysfunctional, but it makes me, me."

Don't give anything a free pass.

It's always a fascinating exercise. I remember when I first started to learn programming. There would often be times when I couldn't get my code to do anything, and I'd get really frustrated. After digging through hundreds of lines, there was always a mistake, somewhere. Maybe I'd used the wrong command, misspelled something or missed out a bracket. When I found that fault and could correct it and see changes, it was such a buzz.

Belief work reminds me a lot of that. It fills me with that same sense of excitement when I can spot where a certain dysfunction of mine is coming from and make adjustments.

[Kuma]

This is a good suggestion. Maybe not quite as easy to do as it initially appears, upon a quick read. But still seems a worthwhile exercise.

What do you do, though, with the reactions that you have -- but wish you did not have? Those you would like to get rid of because you believe they do more harm than good, but you just don't seem to be able to do it?

[Im-Suffering]

Without the supporting belief there wouldnt be a reaction. Change the belief and the reaction/thoughts/emotions/feelings change.

Lets go through the 'tree' of a sample release. Following the free flow of thought one to the next revealing beliefs down to the core. The core is hidden but it generates the reactions.

Each line of your high standard list can be followed in the same way, down to the core.

So lets start, the first sentence in quotes represents one line of your list, followed to the core by expanding the original idea.

So lets keep expanding and find out why this fictitious person feels the way they do -

Begin:

"I expect the best performance from others"


"I am often let down by others performance"

"People are lazy" - belief

I find it hard to trust the work or effort of others"

"To do anything right i must do it myself"

"People let me down"

"I let myself down"

"I let my parents down"

"Love equals approval"

"I only feel approval when im at my best. If i dont set high standards i wont be loved, respected, validated."

"High standards and success equal love from mom and dad", " success equals love" - core belief

End.

This person would feel miserable if unsuccessful at anything, the emotional highs and lows would swing back and forth erratically. Not because of the experience itself, but because he is continually validating his worth and whether he feels loved.

I did not point out more than a few beliefs for this example, can you find more? Remember some may tie together to 'bridge' the ideas, making them stronger.

If your list has 20 different reasons about what high standards mean to you, you must break each one down individually, as we have done briefly here. Dont be afraid to feel, because you will most certainly stir emotions, that is good ! That means you bumped into a strong belief.

You asked:

"What do you do, though, with the reactions that you have -- but wish you did not have? Those you would like to get rid of because you believe they do more harm than good, but you just don't seem to be able to do it?"

You do this 'naturally' during the work. Try your first one, and see what you come up with. Make sure you have some quiet alone time to do it.

[gypsylee]

Some people are afraid to fly or drive over bridges or get in an elevator or even leave their house. And some think every headache is a neuroblastoma. My anxiety is different. For the most part, it manifests itself when I do or say something (or fail to do or say something) and then: (1) regret my "screw up", (2) replay the events over and over in my mind, including going over and over how I could have done or said it better, (3) castigate myself for it, and (4) worry about the potential consequences. Much of this happens at work -- but certainly not all of it.

This is not the only form my anxiety takes. But it is a recurring pattern for me. Does it sound familiar to anyone?

A therapist said I hold myself to a very high standard. OK, maybe that is true but what does one do with a comment like that. It is like saying "this is rooted in your childhood." OK, fine. Whatever. It is impossible to prove or disprove such as assertion. But regardless, there have to be practical ways to avoid such unnecessary stress...

To me this is an indication of low self-esteem because you're going over things and thinking about how you could've done/said them better. If you have high self-esteem you think "well that was pretty awesome how I handled that" haha, or you at least don't brood over things because you know you did your best.

Mindfulness helps with this sort of thing (and any worrying) because you realise it's an utter waste of time to be thinking about this stuff.

Anyway, that's my take on it :)

[sae]

I go through the very same cycle, but I think mine is directly related to the potentially erroneous idea that I am somehow offensive, hindering, in the way of, or bothersome to others. I say/do, or don't say/do something, my mind jumps to "you have just offended someone". I go in full retreat mode, find someplace away from the scene and hide... just in case I have in fact just offended someone. Eventually I accrue enough people I imagine I have offended and I drop off the face of the earth, no calls, no visits, until I finally forget about why I was hiding months later. I have walked away from jobs and never returned just because I thought the boss was upset with me.
I have since taken a different wait and see approach before doling out the reactions. I question if I have offended someone but if I don't hear anything from them about it in the next hour or so, I take the whole worrying about it process to the mental shredder. It's okay for me to not know if I am offending someone. If they didn't think enough of it to bring it to my attention, why should i.
Old habits die hard though. I struggle with this one still.

[Im-Suffering]

I go through the very same cycle, but I think mine is directly related to the potentially erroneous idea that I am somehow offensive, hindering, in the way of, or bothersome to others. I say/do, or don't say/do something, my mind jumps to "you have just offended someone". I go in full retreat mode, find someplace away from the scene and hide... just in case I have in fact just offended someone. Eventually I accrue enough people I imagine I have offended and I drop off the face of the earth, no calls, no visits, until I finally forget about why I was hiding months later. I have walked away from jobs and never returned just because I thought the boss was upset with me.
I have since taken a different wait and see approach before doling out the reactions. I question if I have offended someone but if I don't hear anything from them about it in the next hour or so, I take the whole worrying about it process to the mental shredder. It's okay for me to not know if I am offending someone. If they didn't think enough of it to bring it to my attention, why should i.
Old habits die hard though. I struggle with this one still.

You need to decide. To kick the shit out of this once and for all. I have been talking to you since day one. But you cannot face me back. Do it ! Stand up and be counted !

You are more afraid to heal completely than to stay in the same (painful) place indefinately.

This powerful choice-decision has to be swift and decisive bringing many changes, including environment and body.

You hear, but you are blocked from truly listening.

"Old habits die immediately" with the will and desire, to change the belief that energizes the habit.

Rather than adding your old beliefs to a topic, sit away in a quite space (forever and a day if necessary) and work on changing them.

Follow the methods in this thread on page one we have given to the OP.

Now before the dear readers of this forum cry outrage at this post, know we are working on saving a life here. Yes, she knows that, deep down at the core of places to painful to look at. Its not so much saving, as it is a renewal or a rebirth. She is deserving.

One must be willing to format their mental hard drive rather than live with the virus.