Have you ever felt this?

[Lilac]

I am a very self destructive person. I am also anxious about everything, particularly relationships. I convince myself that I am not lovable, I am never good enough for anyone, I can never live up to anyone's standards, people will cheat on me, deceive me. I am afraid of insecurity, but that is all I ever am - insecure. I have zero self esteem, I see a worthless person.

I picture myself the end even before it starts. Afraid of being hurt, cheated on, fooled, I push people over the edge so they can never hurt me. Better be safe than sorry, I want to beat them to it. I guess I just want to be right, so I do everything in my power to "reveal" people's intentions, which, I believe, is always to hurt me. My biggest fear is being left behind, abandoned, that people get tired of me or that my boyfriend will break up with me, that I actually push them in that direction. So that I can never be disappointed or surprised. I picture myself the end and I create it.

I met my current boyfriend in February. He is a wonderful person, affectionate, nice, funny, and he treats me like a princess every time I see him. He has been nothing but open and honest with me (I have to believe that, right) about himself, his past, his way of being.

I started very early in our relationship to get suspicious of him. Mostly because I truly hate myself, and want to be right. I wanted to find evidence that he really did not want to be with me. I am picturing that he is going to hurt me or do me wrong that I create situations and problems that do not exist, I convince myself he is doing something he does not do, all because I do not believe I am worthy of his time or his love. I never directly accuse him, but I got anxious when he told me about previous partners, which were a few more than I first thought. And I thought to myself that I will never be good enough for an experienced guy like him (I had only had two partners before him, one of whom lied to me and used me and then broke contact, the other one was a boyfriend of almost eight years). So I convinced myself that my current boyfriend is probably looking for someone on the side, although he has also been in a monogamous relationship for many years and his other experiences were before that. He sometimes "likes" pictures of other people on Facebook, but he does that with everybody. Men, women, cats, dogs, nature pictures, pictures of cars, everything. They appear on my news feed if his friends' pictures are public. And although he likes everything, I get insecure if the picture is of a woman. I confronted him about that, and we had a conversation. He said he really does not put ANY meaning to it, and told me it would be difficult for me if I continue to create situations every time he likes something or leaves a comment. I always analyzes his texts to me. If he does not add a heart like he usually does, I get insecure, I get sad, sometimes I even panic. Truly a panic attack. Over a darn heart in a text. Text messaging and social media, where you can see when people see your texts, who they "like" and comment on, is making me insane. His score in Snapchat, who he is following on Instagram. I feel treatened by EVERYBODY! Mostly because social media makes it easier to monitor people, see when they are online, etc.

He told me that he gets frustrated because he always has to confirm his love for me, that I am (in his words) fantastic, beautiful, and that I am more than good enough. He is now afraid of saying or doing anything that can possibly make me insecure, because I analyze everything. I create problems where there are no problems. I have never ACCUSED him of cheating on me, but I have been afraid that I am not good enough. Every time I confront him about an issue I end up blaming myself for even making it an issue as I have absolutely no reason to doubt him (anymore than what is usual in a relationship).

I always think that he likes other women better than me, I just annoy him if I text him, he never really wants to see me, it is not going to last, because he does not see a future with me. He is away a lot due to work, and I never see him. I feel alone most of the time.

It becomes a viscous circle. Because every time I confront him about an insecurity of mine, I end up feeling lousy and convinced that THIS time he is so sick and tired that he will leave me. And being most afraid of being abandoned, I have to find evidence that this time he really is going to leave me. So I confront him again, and he has to yet again give me reassurance.

I fear everything I cannot control. All the "what if's". Horrible. Things have been going better for me in my head, and my boyfriend says that we have no problems. He just gets frustrated because he does not know what he can say or do to convince me that I AM good enough, that he loves me. And that he is afraid of saying anything because of my insecurity. But I got a new "attack" yesterday over stuff on Facebook. He still says he loves me though.

I am afraid he will stop being open and honest with me, because he can never seem to do anything right is what I think. How can I fix this, really? I have told him that the best thing is if he continues to be open and honest, that this is my problem and he does not do anything wrong ever. However, I still make it his problem. And being the destructive person I am, I think it is too late to fix it. I am, yet again, convinced I am going to be abandoned.

He is not the problem, I am. I create things because I truly hate my own person, and a part of me does not dare to be happy or believe that this amazing guy can actually want to be with me and only me. To me it seems crazy.

Thoughts?

[superchick22684]

Lilac,
You remind me a lot of myself. I've had many issues in regards to maintaining consistent relationships with friends and family because I've had situations in my past where people have made it a point to disappoint me and let me down or they just plain up and leave. That led to me to believing that I was going to be abandoned or left behind so I would make a point of pushing people away before they had the chance to do that to me.

I built up nearly impenetrable walls where I would hide the real me and would present a false representation of myself because I didn't trust people to like me the way that I am. Similar to you I have also struggled with and continue to struggle with low self esteem. I've had relationships that have gone sour because I didn't trust my significant other and suspected them of cheating or dishonesty when they had done nothing wrong.

For me the thing that has helped the most is therapy. I see a therapist once every week or two weeks and its really helped me come out of my shell and realize that the walls I build are not just keeping out the bad stuff but also keeping out so many good things. I'm not going to claim that I'm "cured" or anything but I'm slowly making progress towards feeling better about myself and trusting those who are important in my life.

I also had the same situation that you did when I started dating my current significant other, mainly the suspicions that he was cheating or being dishonest and making him confirm his love for me. It got to the point where he was going to leave if I didn't stop. That was when I decided to go to therapy and like I said before the situation isn't gone but its way better than it was.

Best of luck to you on whatever you decide to do. If you need to talk I'm on the board pretty often.

[Cwyss]

I feel like you just wrote about myself. I felt that a lot of my doubts and insecurities were due to my previous boyfriend of 4 years dying and realizing he wasn't loyal. I'll never be able to talk to him about it so I seem to sometimes take that out on my now, wonderful boyfriend. My anxiety also makes me feel insecure although no one would ever know this but me. It makes me feel jealous inside for no reason and I have actually considered dumping my bf over his Instagram account because my anxiety created all of these stories in my head- lol! What's scary is how convinced I was of my anxiety induced made up scenarios. I'm considering supplements, medications, and maybe even therapy because I personally am just tired of it. It's not me.


Best of luck to you and know you are not alone <3