neruo
06-28-2015, 05:38 AM
i know that thread title sounds really dumb, i'm sorry. i'm just really out of it right now and i think i need some advice from some wise owls who have been going through similar things that i have. i'm going to be blunt here and as simple as i can so i don't waste time, please bear with me.
i am 22 years old, male and i have been suffering with anxiety since i turned 18. for the past five years i have been trying different medications constantly, nothing ever seems to work and i have continuing spaces of time were i'm not on any medication at all. this is one of those times, actually. i recently went to my doctor who gave me medication and when i took it well, something pretty screwed up happened and ive been scared to take it ever since. basically i had taken it, started feeling dissociated, like i wasn't alive or real, got to the super market and had a mental breakdown in the middle of the store. i could not stop crying, i felt more terrible than i think ive ever felt before, i had suicidal thoughts pounding my head, i started thinking people in the store were after me, i had violent thoughts and it was just a mess.
on a day to day basis, i will get about one day of feeling good out of the week. the rest i am either peckish with my fear or constantly battling myself in a fight of 'i want to kill myself' with just a hopeless, miserable feeling. honestly, im scared shitless i am going to lose the control and rationality over myself and actually go through with the suicidal thoughts i have. i really don't want to be that person and im not sure if im becoming apathetic to the idea of it or not. id like to think not since im here talking and fretting about it.
i cant tell what my triggers are. i know that i have extreme hypochondria and can trigger myself easily with that; however, for the suicidal thoughts and what not, im not sure what is causing them. i have a pretty easy life, i dont do anything, i cant work because i cant be around people, i spend my time writing and im supported by a boyfriend who loves and adores me. there's nothing wrong really going on there, so i dont see the reason why i delude into those thoughts or feel the need to hurt myself.
im not sure what to do is what i guess im asking. i really, really am losing all hope with medication. i dont even want to try them anymore because they tend to just screw me up or threaten to make me fatter than i already am and that just makes me upset. im not exactly rich to afford the more expensive ones either so its sort of just a lost cause to me. i am trying, i am trying so hard even despite my motivation to figure myself out and to understand what i can do to push forward and become stronger but i cannot continue fighting myself like this anymore. i cannot do this anymore.
so basically
just what do i do
when im cooking and thinking how much i want to kill myself what do i do to stop these thoughts
do i go to a therapist? they seem to only talk about themselves and while i do love listening to other people, i dont have the patience to do that when im in an office for an hour and paying for it.
do i keep injecting myself with medications and throwing myself into a pit of hell?
please just give me whatever information you want, ill hear and heed it all i just
need help from people who understand and know that im not alone in this world
i am 22 years old, male and i have been suffering with anxiety since i turned 18. for the past five years i have been trying different medications constantly, nothing ever seems to work and i have continuing spaces of time were i'm not on any medication at all. this is one of those times, actually. i recently went to my doctor who gave me medication and when i took it well, something pretty screwed up happened and ive been scared to take it ever since. basically i had taken it, started feeling dissociated, like i wasn't alive or real, got to the super market and had a mental breakdown in the middle of the store. i could not stop crying, i felt more terrible than i think ive ever felt before, i had suicidal thoughts pounding my head, i started thinking people in the store were after me, i had violent thoughts and it was just a mess.
on a day to day basis, i will get about one day of feeling good out of the week. the rest i am either peckish with my fear or constantly battling myself in a fight of 'i want to kill myself' with just a hopeless, miserable feeling. honestly, im scared shitless i am going to lose the control and rationality over myself and actually go through with the suicidal thoughts i have. i really don't want to be that person and im not sure if im becoming apathetic to the idea of it or not. id like to think not since im here talking and fretting about it.
i cant tell what my triggers are. i know that i have extreme hypochondria and can trigger myself easily with that; however, for the suicidal thoughts and what not, im not sure what is causing them. i have a pretty easy life, i dont do anything, i cant work because i cant be around people, i spend my time writing and im supported by a boyfriend who loves and adores me. there's nothing wrong really going on there, so i dont see the reason why i delude into those thoughts or feel the need to hurt myself.
im not sure what to do is what i guess im asking. i really, really am losing all hope with medication. i dont even want to try them anymore because they tend to just screw me up or threaten to make me fatter than i already am and that just makes me upset. im not exactly rich to afford the more expensive ones either so its sort of just a lost cause to me. i am trying, i am trying so hard even despite my motivation to figure myself out and to understand what i can do to push forward and become stronger but i cannot continue fighting myself like this anymore. i cannot do this anymore.
so basically
just what do i do
when im cooking and thinking how much i want to kill myself what do i do to stop these thoughts
do i go to a therapist? they seem to only talk about themselves and while i do love listening to other people, i dont have the patience to do that when im in an office for an hour and paying for it.
do i keep injecting myself with medications and throwing myself into a pit of hell?
please just give me whatever information you want, ill hear and heed it all i just
need help from people who understand and know that im not alone in this world