Dxjm6
06-18-2015, 04:46 PM
Let me start with an introduction...I am a 28 year old mother suffering from societal anxiety. I say societal because I not only have debilitating physical symptoms when making small talk or having to open up to people, but I also don't buy into the idea that we, as humans, are destined to acquire houses and fancy cars, and accumulate a network of half-hearted acquaintances for uncomfortable dinner parties to define success and normalcy. But ironically, that is my life because I consider myself normal and know that the consequences of being anti-social are not only bad for me but can set my daughter off to a bad start. So I keep up with the Jones's. I have been gainfully employed since 16, and people at my old job who know me well regard me as well spoken, professional, and very diplomatic. I've taken a new job, and my supervisor on my second week said I come across as "put on" or fake. This was a tremendous blow to my confidence, as if adjusting to a new job was not already enough. I keep private as if there is something I've got to hide but there isn't. I just don't want to open my mouth and start studdering. I get involuntarily intimidated, and immediately go into an uncontrollable anxiety that shows. I fear that my peers are talking about my embarrassing blunders, fidgety hands, and fearful facial expressions, though I try really hard not to show it. I've been at my job now eight months, and while I have had good days, I have not adjusted as well as those who were hired after me. I will make the minimum small talk possible if I do not know someone well, but really I wish I could turn my brain off of overdrive when someone speaks to me, because I want to open up and make those connections. But it doesn't go past small talk. As far as doing my job, I overcompensate for my lacking personal skill by being highly productive and a very good problem solver. But this problem with myself, I cannot seem to overcome with pep talks. I'm not negative at all, so I always feel like I'm hanging in there and pushing through it.
But for the past three weeks I cannot relax my mind. I'm thinking about interactions I had, what I could do differently, why I didn't do it differently, things needing done around the house, why I'm not getting them done but instead thinking about silliness. The last week, I've had extreme tightness in my chest and sometimes have to remind myself to breath. It's unwarranted. Nothing has happened to cause it. I scheduled an appt with a psychiatrist but can't get in until September.
Monday, the chest tightness was so debilitating that I couldn't carry a conversation with my customers well, I was hyperfocused on the symptoms I was having. Worried that it showed, I didn't want to interact face to face with people, so I took the rest of the day off to seek immediate help. Went to a behavioral health center thinking they could prescribe something to ease the symptoms, and they recommended partial hospitalization to be able to get meds and see the doctor. I was shocked and in denial that I needed that kind of help. So I went home thinking "uh, no." The next day I went to work and had an even worse time concentrating, still tight chest every waking hour of course. All morning I spent thinking about how I struggle to overcome it but I don't need "that" kind of help. By lunchtime I decided I can't sit and do nothing. It's not getting better on its own. I took a huge leap of humility and was brave enough to talk to hr about why I needed a few days off to participate in partial hospitalization. They arranged the time off, reluctantly. I am still new, and they haven't connected with me, so I can tell this is a red flag to them.
Today was my first day attending partial hospitalization. They asked me lots of questions to determine my needs and put me in a group. I interacted and gave it my best to learn something, anything that can help me. Forgive me when I say this, cause it's going to sound so judgmental but: the group consist of people who are in the system often. Most of them cannot maintain a normal lifestyle. They have never been exposed to positive interactions, or they have anger management issues and have never felt good about themselves at any point. The classes dealt in identifying emotions and pausing to think about your reactions to the emotions. I already have great self control. I don't feel like this is good for me, in fact I headed home today feeling less confident and helpless than I did going in. Even the staff doesn't appear to trust you when you tell them that you never had harmful thoughts. Procedural, I know. I never saw a doctor and never discussed meds for my symptoms.
I wonder if there is a place for high functioning folks to discuss job, family, overcoming anxiety while managing responsibilities, and skills dealing directly with social anxiety? Not basic lifeskills and retraining learned lash-outs. Cause if this is all there is to the group sessions, count me out. I'd rather be at my job with this chest ache, making money and getting on with real life.
So sorry to come across as trite. I really would like your blunt and realistic advice.
But for the past three weeks I cannot relax my mind. I'm thinking about interactions I had, what I could do differently, why I didn't do it differently, things needing done around the house, why I'm not getting them done but instead thinking about silliness. The last week, I've had extreme tightness in my chest and sometimes have to remind myself to breath. It's unwarranted. Nothing has happened to cause it. I scheduled an appt with a psychiatrist but can't get in until September.
Monday, the chest tightness was so debilitating that I couldn't carry a conversation with my customers well, I was hyperfocused on the symptoms I was having. Worried that it showed, I didn't want to interact face to face with people, so I took the rest of the day off to seek immediate help. Went to a behavioral health center thinking they could prescribe something to ease the symptoms, and they recommended partial hospitalization to be able to get meds and see the doctor. I was shocked and in denial that I needed that kind of help. So I went home thinking "uh, no." The next day I went to work and had an even worse time concentrating, still tight chest every waking hour of course. All morning I spent thinking about how I struggle to overcome it but I don't need "that" kind of help. By lunchtime I decided I can't sit and do nothing. It's not getting better on its own. I took a huge leap of humility and was brave enough to talk to hr about why I needed a few days off to participate in partial hospitalization. They arranged the time off, reluctantly. I am still new, and they haven't connected with me, so I can tell this is a red flag to them.
Today was my first day attending partial hospitalization. They asked me lots of questions to determine my needs and put me in a group. I interacted and gave it my best to learn something, anything that can help me. Forgive me when I say this, cause it's going to sound so judgmental but: the group consist of people who are in the system often. Most of them cannot maintain a normal lifestyle. They have never been exposed to positive interactions, or they have anger management issues and have never felt good about themselves at any point. The classes dealt in identifying emotions and pausing to think about your reactions to the emotions. I already have great self control. I don't feel like this is good for me, in fact I headed home today feeling less confident and helpless than I did going in. Even the staff doesn't appear to trust you when you tell them that you never had harmful thoughts. Procedural, I know. I never saw a doctor and never discussed meds for my symptoms.
I wonder if there is a place for high functioning folks to discuss job, family, overcoming anxiety while managing responsibilities, and skills dealing directly with social anxiety? Not basic lifeskills and retraining learned lash-outs. Cause if this is all there is to the group sessions, count me out. I'd rather be at my job with this chest ache, making money and getting on with real life.
So sorry to come across as trite. I really would like your blunt and realistic advice.