Exposure Vs Self Punishment

[sae]

What erroneous thought processes do you think prompts a person to take something as simple as a little exposure to a trigger and turn it into a form of punishment or atonement for some wrong they feel they have comitted?
This has been my current analysis project and I am stuck. An example would be like this: I would feel like a failure... maybe I had a panic attack , skipped out on a job interview, or ran away from the door when someone knocked. I would park myself outside right next to the AC condenser (those noisy little cold air factories are still currently a bit of a trigger for me since this was the method used in a loved one's suicide.) I would make myself sit there amidst the noise and hot air, staring at the refrigerant lines going into the wall. I rationalized it by saying to myself "the more exposure to this I get, the less it will bother me." And I would endure hours in the sticky heat, fire ants tearing up my arms and legs, fighting the urge to run away screaming. The twisted part was my rationalizing went so far as to say that I deserved to feel this freaked out because of something unrelated I failed at earlier that day. It went from healthy exposure to self inflicted panic.
I do not do this sort of thing to such severity these days, but that thought that I deserve to be emotionally pained, anxious does creep up on occasion unbidden.
It clashes with my belief that I just as worthy of happiness as the next person. It is not a new phenomenon. This weird form of emotional self punishment as well as misplaced guilt has been a part of my personality as far as I can remember, long before I reached adulthood. The story my mother told me the other night gave me pause. She talked about how I would catch myself doing something against her rules as a very young child, ie going outside without asking or leaving toys out, and would either beg to be spanked, sent to time out, or just took matters in my own hands.
This personality quirk of mine, the overwhelming desire to remain within the boundaries of rules and laws, to make only right and selfless decisions, and following rigidly to instruction, has always been there. I want to figure out how to start deprogramming this out of my thought program but I am struggling with it. It defies the logic I use to battle my maladaptive behavioral responses to everyday stressors existing purely in the scary emotional side that doubles as that dark shadowy place Mufasa told Simba never to go to.
Thoughts on this would be totes amaze balls (...and I just made myself cringe, time to stop talking.)

[Im-Suffering]

What would happen as a child if you broke the rules but did not offer up the sacrificial lamb?

You are doing good work. Keep going deeper until you find the nerve. You will know you are there when it feels like you struck a nerve. (Feelings from recounting memories). When you are at the core memory, relive it vividly as if you are alongside the child holding her hand through it, talking her through it, allow her to show you and describe whats happening.

Taking the child self back in time to change the perceptions of past events. (you and your child self). Have compassion for her, teach her. It wasnt her fault.

Changing the memory of the past (a clearer recount with different judgment) immediately alters to present and future self.

What about dad? Who punished you and by what methods if you did not offer up to self punish first.

Were you 'that' bad or did the punishment not fit the crime, were they (the caretaker or adults in your life) heavy handed? Mental or physical.

Dont be afraid to keep digging. You are safe now. Nothing can hurt you. The emotions will be strong but even so you are in control.

This emotional healing has been a long time coming.

You may find that your (former) husband was a mirror of your father or primary caretakers (and mom to an extent - through involvment or neglect). You were not born bad you understand. This was repeated conditioning.

If you never want to feel that way again, and i do mean never, in any life, you must find and heal it. This is your work. It can be done, you can then move on and finish this life with fulfillment. The next will be much different, a vacation of sorts in comparison.

But that does not mean you should rush through this one to get to the next (without doing the work). Just like your tomorrows are created from todays thoughts, so is your future ahead in this life and the next. You carry it with you as energy. So it has indeed been a long time coming.

Again, you were not born bad this life, you were born with choice, once again. The quicker you get through the lessons .. and pass .. the sooner you can go on recess and play (joyfully).

Do you hear me when i post to you?

With love

IS

[Goomba]

My guesses would be -

Control, acceptance, perfection, to be loved, worthiness

At some point in your upbringing (not necessarily from parents, but they are more probable) you were taught, or perceived it as so, that messing up takes away from who you are, and/or your ability to accepted by others.

As others administer punishment, it often makes them feel validated, and they can then move on to forgiveness.

So, to ENSURE (control) that you can still be accepted, and have that degree of worth (that was probably placed in others), you moved towards punishing yourself. Only after you have experienced pain can you move on to forgiveness. Then others would still accept you. This turns in to needing punishment to allow you to forgive yourself, whatever it may be.Mix that with anxious thinking (under developed, or what it has become today) and you get quite a concoction.

Iwrote here like I was telling you your truth, but please remember it is just my take on how it more than likely developed. Only you know your truth.