Stop caring what people think of me: the best decision I ever made

[Joy4456]

I have been pretty upset at my anxiety lately and I have been trying to work out ways to cope with it better, or even heal it completely.

I recently discovered one very effective technique: not giving a damn what people think of me. I am still working on it, but I feel like I am finally breathing again since years.

Sometimes I feel like I've been misunderstood my whole life. Since I was a kid. Anxiety played a big part on that one.

When I was a kid I was a big scared and shy. I had trouble making friends and connecting with some members of my family. They were very intimidating to me at times.

Then I started going to school. I hated it there. I did not want to go and I would have preferred to stay at home. But I did what I had to do. I didn't like learning and got bored a lot sitting in a classroom all day. Anxiety wasn't the worst at that age. Teachers always said that 'I live on another planet' or that 'I am dreaming in class'. I have been told a lot that I was very creative though.

Then I turned into a teenager. I went through a very awkward age and had a horrible time. There was acne all over my skin, I had trouble at school, mood swings and way too many hormones. I was depressed. I had trouble learning because my anxiety became really bad and I did not want to live. I got so nervous when people and teacher's spoke to me, sometimes my mind would go blank and I was therefore considered 'stupid' and 'slow'.

Despite all my teachers not wanting me to pass, I still passed. I am not highly intelligent or a genius, but I am surely not completely dumb. It's just that a lot of people don't understand anxiety and its side effects.

In my late teenage years I became physically attractive. Not by choice, but it just kinda happened. My acne cleared out and I lost a lot of weight. I started receiving a lot of attention from men and started becoming popular at school. That helped, but it all seemed a bit superficial and I realized way too many people only care about looks. I did not feel in anyway superior just because of this 'physical transformation', it actually also put a lot of pressure on me. Girls started being jealous of me. I did not ask for any of this. I had no idea what was going on. I forgot about my anxiety for a while.. but it was still there somehow, although I was in denial for a few years.

I started being misunderstood a lot, people assumed from my looks that I was a bitchy, popular high school girl, who is hot and dumb and can get any guy she wants. Just because my looks changed? I was still that insecure pimple face inside of me.
A lot of people assume that attractive people don't have any issues. They have it all, why should they ?
What does anxiety have to do with looks ? Does turning into somebody attractive magicially cure all your psychological problems ? Some people must stop juging books by its covers.

I became popular involuntarily, I was still a nerd and did not like all this attention that was thrown at me. I just wanted a few best friends and didn't need a whole crowd of people. It soon became too much for me so I started avoiding a few people and parties. They got mad at me and called me 'antisocial' or an 'asshole' for not wanting to hang out. But for me it was a matter of survival.

I went to college and had a hard time coping with the stress of the exams. But I passed.

Then I entered the 'working world'. This was much more stressful than expected. I started from the 'bottom'. On my first jobs, some employers treated me like a complete slave and talked to me like I was dirt. The anxiety came running back like never before in my life. It felt like my childhood again. Many of my employers scared the hell out of me. They were freightening and mean. They abused the fact that I was 'weak' thanks to my anxiety.

Then I started having more job experience. I started getting more self confidence, and I started becoming more of a fighter. I woke up every morning, went to work and gave it 100%. I gave my absolute best. I didn't love my job, but I felt great for fighting. I thought nobody could see how anxious and scared I sometimes was. I thought I managed to hide it. That was until I walked into the big boss talking behind my back. He was telling a coworker that I was a coward. My whole world came crushing down, because I felt like I put in all this effort for nothing. I was still a transparent scared little girl. Powerless, is how they made me feel. Even after all the efforts I put in. I felt like giving up. But I did not. Not for this jerk, not for anybody.

I was like you know what? Enough with the name-calling. My whole life I've been called 'slow' and 'stupid', then I turned into a 'dumb bimbo' apparently, later to be 'antisocial', an 'asshole', 'weird' and 'awkward' and now a 'coward' after being a hard worker my whole life.

I am considering getting a T-shirt that says 'I have anxiety, it's been a life-long battle. Just let me be now.' and wear it every day, to avoid the insults.

But one thing is sure, I am done caring about what people think of me. And so should you! It will ruin your life and only make your anxiety worst. It won't happen overnight, but start today. Step by step.

[NixonRulz]

That was an interesting read. And welcome by the way, Ms. Joy

It seems most people with anxiety are considered creative. If we can dream all of this anxious crap up it is no wonder.

Your story is like so many others here. Allowing what other people think influence how you think about yourself. You can tell just by your writing that you have become very strong and I love the attitude of not giving a fu*k what people think about you.

But as you may or may not be aware, it can't only be an attitude, it truly has to be a belief that deep inside you have completely accepted who you are and love that person. Otherwise, it just becomes a façade of sorts

I was shy at a young age and became completely obsessed about how I should act and look to everyone else for most of my life. It wasn't until recently I finally truly accepted me for who I was and liked it. I had gotten over most of my anxiety symptoms years ago bit knowing what was causing the anxiety was pretty cool to know.

It sounds like you are at that point now so I believe that you are on the home stretch of this whole anxiety nonsense.

You really are on the right track, Joy. Congrats

[Joy4456]

Thank you so much for reading me and I am glad you enjoyed it.

I had a feeling I was on the right track, but thanks for confirming this again with your words, it really means a lot.

And yes, you are completely right, the facade will not suffice. I did the facade thing for a while, it only works as an illusion, it fools a few people along the way but it is not a long term solution.

The facade does not bring true happiness within oneself. It just helps as a protection. Like a shield.

The true art is truly loving ourselves, DESPITE other people's negativity. Now that's something worth to achieve.

I am very glad that you reached the point where you truly like yourself for who you are now.

[Kuma]

These days I rarely read posts of this length -- there are just too many demands on my time. But I read this one because I think not caring as much about what other people think of you is an important goal.

I say "as much" because there are very few, if any, people who truly do not care at all what anyone thinks of them. And I am not sure that would be a good thing anyway. We all need to have some relationships with other people, and in that regard what people think of you -- whether they respect you, find you to be kind and considerate and honest and interesting and worthwhile, etc. can matter. But beyond that, I do think being less dependent on other people's views, for one's own sense of self-worth, is useful.

Of course, then you have to have your own strong moral compass, code of conduct and belief system, to replace the "external" view you are trying to be less reliant on. I think for some (not all) people who have tended to rely on other people's views and judgments, it is because they do not have their own well-formulated beliefs about who they want to be, how they want to act, how they should meet their obligations, what they want their contribution to the world and their legacy to be, etc. So, with that vacuum, they sort of "default" to other people's views. It may take some work to develop one's own "code of conduct" and to gain enough confidence in it that it can replace the views of others. But it is certainly, in my view, a laudable objective...

[Goomba]

I think there is a difference between caring about how others view you and allowing the judgment of others to define you. We live in a world where many are ready to spit out negative judgment in an attempt to ease their own insecurities.

"If they're bad too, it doesn't make me look as bad".

In my experience, it is often the truth that those that judge others the most negatively and critically, have had ample experience being judged that way.

It's a coping tool.

But, I think you have begun to realize that the world doesn't know you. So, when it spits out it's words in ignorance - it is generally just that.

Your boss appears to be an example of this. A confident boss would have no needs to gossip about your performance to another behind your back. He/she doesn't know your story, and can't attest to the bravery you have described in your original post.

So, yes, there is no reason to let the judgment based in fear, jealousy, ignorance, etc, be used as concepts for your self-identity.

Unfortunately, as we interact with others in order to better understand ourselves, we have to filter through a lot of that.

BUT, as Kuma said, caring about how you come across at a societal level can be a healthy thing. It shows you have a good amount of self awareness when relating to others, and helps to teach humility, respect, etc.

[needtogetwell]

I agree completely with Kuma and Goomba, can't add much useful.

Just wishing you good luck .

[mrslizzyg]

Thank you for posting this..

As some of the people here know, I am struggling with this whole thing of "being myself" and not caring what people think so much. Specifically in my marriage lol.

But anyways, I really loved reading this. I can relate to it in my own ways with my own situations.

You are 100% correct.

Being ourselves is the only way to be truly happy..I have always felt my best when I DON'T care what other people say/think about me. As long as I like myself, why does it freakin matter? lol

[needtogetwell]

Thank you for posting this.. As some of the people here know, I am struggling with this whole thing of "being myself" and not caring what people think so much. Specifically in my marriage lol. But anyways, I really loved reading this. I can relate to it in my own ways with my own situations. You are 100% correct. Being ourselves is the only way to be truly happy..I have always felt my best when I DON'T care what other people say/think about me. As long as I like myself, why does it freakin matter? lol

Lizzy,
Ok I'm a whole bunch older than you and likely very different musical tastes but my anthem when I lose who I am is "its my life" by Bon Jovi.

Find a great song you like and blast it when you lose who you are.

[mrslizzyg]

Lizzy,
Ok I'm a whole bunch older than you and likely very different musical tastes but my anthem when I lose who I am is "its my life" by Bon Jovi.

Find a great song you like and blast it when you lose who you are.

I have a few songs I blast for sure! They always make me feel better.

Your pick is freakin awesome too! I love that song :)

[Im-Suffering]

I am on mobile typing in a hurry please forgive any loose structure to the thoughts. Im doing few things at once.

This (topic) is a dichotomy. Lets paint an accurate picture for demonstration.

Suppose there is a shoebox with five hole cutout. Placing your hand inside and closing the top, put your fingers through the holes. While each finger believes it is independent from the other they are all part of the same hand. While alive they cannot see the connectivity and that they are all one.
While alive during a sojourn, each person (finger) must bounce ideas and beliefs off of their peers. Receiving feedback from the world and people like an inventor tries out his theory from paper to the physical. You do the same from your siblings (peers). These are difficult concepts to put to words so i trigger the use of the imagination to bring insight.

You do care what 'they' think. That . In itself is part of the earth-lesson. Having a strong self is different than caring what others think.

Many people have not realized that cooporatively they are stronger than alone. That this life is one big cooporative venture. One reason is fear, that they would lose their indivduality or identity. Nothing is further from the truth. Identity is guaranteed even as it joins together with hundreds of others. The group becomes more than it was, and the individuated identities intact.

This is the main reason of the fear of death, that identity would be wiped out assuming it is all connected with the body.

Relationships are your intimate source of feedback. It is beneficial to listen to feedback. If you are in a negative situation in them, you would need to examine the thoughts/ideas/beliefs that you hold. Because you do attract everything unto self. No one can force anything upon you that you had not first concieved in (your own) thought.

I hope this came through clear to some.

Caring what others think of you is different than shaping self according to their approval.

Many of you live that way and that in itself is a stress factor. You only need someone to shed a little light on it to have an epiphany of your own.

[Evelyn Louise Bolton]

Very inspiring! So good to see someone conquering anxiety and feeling strong. Well done <3