sae
06-12-2015, 02:10 AM
...and feeling wimpy. Every summer a week or so after school let's out my family gathers at my parents' house for a few days. I get to see my nephews and my sister, which doesn't happen too often since they live in another state.
My parents live in the middle of nowhere, in the house I grew up in, about 2 hours away from me. It's summer, it's the south, there are spiders everywhere and I realize that this is the first time I have been more than 5 miles away from home since mid April. Since arriving yesterday noon I have driven all the way home multiple times to check things "Did I unplug the fryer, is the A/C set, are there packages at the door, do the dogs have food and water (I paid the neighbor kid to check on them but I can't get over my fear)". Each time I drive a total of 4 hrs, spending roughly $25 in gas in my uninsulated, in airconditioned van in the 90+ degree heat. The thermometer on my console tells me the interior of the van stays at around 115 on the highway.
My bf, being awesome, decided to stay at my place while I am gone to hold down the fort and keep my dogs company. I made it all the way to 7 in the evening before I am driving back again to cook him dinner, fearing he would not eat well, despite the fact I had already prepared and stored a week's worth of dinners for him before leaving.
It is now almost 3 am and I can't sleep. I keep imagining spiders on the semi dark walls of the guest bedroom. I keep thinking something terrible has happened at home, that my family secretly wishes that I would just leave, and then here comes the vomiting. I am currently huddled in a patio chair outside, hoping the God awful dry heaving can't be heard inside.
I hear coyotes yipping in the pasture and a run of wild pigs trampling at the fenceline. These are all things I grew up with, slept amongst in my youth spending nights in the deer stand in the woods, yet have become terrifying. Inside is scary, dark and constricting, outside is wide open and filled with strange sounds. I want to go home, and that makes me feel like a real wimp.
I really thought that the last few months I had made some really great strides, but then I remember this time last year I went on an 8 day road trip with my family and handled it far better than this. Now all I can seem to make myself do is sit on this stupid chair outside, hoping I can hold down the Nyquil long enough to finally fall asleep curled in a sheet on the floor or my van since I can't seem to make myself go back in amongst the shadow spiders.
I will make it through the entirety of the visit, 3 more days, as planned, come Hell or high water. That being said I want nothing more at this moment than to be at home on my spot in the chair, under the ac vent and swaddled in my "night sweats" blanket with my dogs in my lap and 65daysofstatic rumbling through my living room speakers.
One day in the hopefully near future I will be able to make my summer visit without the anxiety monster in tow. Patiently I will continue to work and wait for that day. Until then I just need to hitch up my big girl panties and try to at least seem human for a few more days. Wish me luck and thanks for reading my miserable Spazzy whinings.
My parents live in the middle of nowhere, in the house I grew up in, about 2 hours away from me. It's summer, it's the south, there are spiders everywhere and I realize that this is the first time I have been more than 5 miles away from home since mid April. Since arriving yesterday noon I have driven all the way home multiple times to check things "Did I unplug the fryer, is the A/C set, are there packages at the door, do the dogs have food and water (I paid the neighbor kid to check on them but I can't get over my fear)". Each time I drive a total of 4 hrs, spending roughly $25 in gas in my uninsulated, in airconditioned van in the 90+ degree heat. The thermometer on my console tells me the interior of the van stays at around 115 on the highway.
My bf, being awesome, decided to stay at my place while I am gone to hold down the fort and keep my dogs company. I made it all the way to 7 in the evening before I am driving back again to cook him dinner, fearing he would not eat well, despite the fact I had already prepared and stored a week's worth of dinners for him before leaving.
It is now almost 3 am and I can't sleep. I keep imagining spiders on the semi dark walls of the guest bedroom. I keep thinking something terrible has happened at home, that my family secretly wishes that I would just leave, and then here comes the vomiting. I am currently huddled in a patio chair outside, hoping the God awful dry heaving can't be heard inside.
I hear coyotes yipping in the pasture and a run of wild pigs trampling at the fenceline. These are all things I grew up with, slept amongst in my youth spending nights in the deer stand in the woods, yet have become terrifying. Inside is scary, dark and constricting, outside is wide open and filled with strange sounds. I want to go home, and that makes me feel like a real wimp.
I really thought that the last few months I had made some really great strides, but then I remember this time last year I went on an 8 day road trip with my family and handled it far better than this. Now all I can seem to make myself do is sit on this stupid chair outside, hoping I can hold down the Nyquil long enough to finally fall asleep curled in a sheet on the floor or my van since I can't seem to make myself go back in amongst the shadow spiders.
I will make it through the entirety of the visit, 3 more days, as planned, come Hell or high water. That being said I want nothing more at this moment than to be at home on my spot in the chair, under the ac vent and swaddled in my "night sweats" blanket with my dogs in my lap and 65daysofstatic rumbling through my living room speakers.
One day in the hopefully near future I will be able to make my summer visit without the anxiety monster in tow. Patiently I will continue to work and wait for that day. Until then I just need to hitch up my big girl panties and try to at least seem human for a few more days. Wish me luck and thanks for reading my miserable Spazzy whinings.