Im sorry, but i really need to vent.

[MorningSadness00]

My mind is driving me absolutely nuts.
I wake up everyday with a headache and double vision ever sence i took that peice of crap pill.
Bullshit my ass that pill is supposed to work for my anxiety. I get off of it like 4 days ago because it was giving me double vision. At least i think thats what my double crappy vision is from. Unless by chance i have a god darn brain tumor, but i cant go to the doctor to get it checked and its driving me absolutely fucking crazy. No one seems to realize how annoying having double vision is. It makes me feel so suicidal to the point where i want to blow my damn brains out, litterally.
Im tired of this and no one believes me because i am a hypochrondriac. Its not easy when you are convinced you have a brain tumor and have double vision and no one gives a shit. Its aggravating. I call a hotline just to have someone to talk to about so i dont drive myself absolutely insane, because thats all i have been doing lately and im so sick of it i just want to be normal like everyone else, but i cant because i worry about things such as having a damn fucking brain tumor everyday of my life.
Its because i wake up nauseous and im like OH MY FUCKING GOD I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR! Even though i know i have a stiff neck and a god damned LAZY EYE! why cant i just stop thinking just stop all i want to do is STOP. I even yell at myself to stop and everything to try and get my mind to freaking stop because i cant control it. I go out in living room and start freaking out yelling at my mom when i know theres nothing she can do about it. I mean i try and think well, theres other reasons why i could be having poor vision and seeing double such as Anxiety and shit like that, but i am so convinced that its hard to catch my fucking self.
I hate living like this and having all these fucking vision problems and fears of having a brain tumor and shit, it isnt fun.
I hate myself for it everyday i wish i was someone else, i wish i was happy, i wish i didnt worry so damn much about my health and what the fuck my brain is doing.
I wish i didnt have all these god damn fucking weird feelings in my head to convince me that i have a brain tumor even though i had a brain scan like 5 years ago and nothing was there.
I wish i was not as bad as this, i want to be able to go out and have fun not sit at home all the time and worry about my last breath and when im fucking going to die or if i am going to die or what the hell is wrong with me, or if im just automatically going to stop breathing and go into cardiac arrest.
I cant stop screaming and having loud outburst of anger, i cant stop fucking crying, i cant stop thinking about things that i cant control at the moment. I cant its so hard to change the way i think once im set on something its very difficult for me..
My mom cant stand me anymore because of my feelings and loud outbursts, i lost friends because of this and everything and i dont like the way i act towards myself. I feel like cutting myself just so that the pain will go away but in the end it doesnt it just makes it so much fucking worse.
I just want things to be normal to when i went to go see good charlotte a month ago before i started taking that god damn fucking ativan it screwed my fucking head up and my eyes and everything else.
Im so sick of myself i cant go back to school and i cant get my high school diploma because of it it fucking sucks. I want to go back so bad, but i cant and its so frusterating.
I know i make no sence right now but i cant sort my thoughts out theyre out of control at the moment. Racing thoughts about everything. Having a boyfriend that can put up with me, this fucking brain tumor shit, my double vision not going away, the fact that i have these loud fucking crazy outburst, feeling so damn confused all the time, i dont know how much of this i can take. I feel like i have no control in my damned life. i feel like everything is so out of my reach.
I just want someone to listen but no one wants to and no one seems to give a shit about me of my feelings or me, i dont know if its the way i think because of the meds or if its because of a brain tumor or my anxiety just going fucking crazy on me. But i want i was is it for to stop, im sick and tired of living now.

I just want it to go away, and when it does ill feel like a normal person again.

Thats how i feel 24/7!!!

[bba]

im so sorry for you. my sister took adivan and it actually made her anger worse. she ended up attacking my mom and had to go to jail. the side effects of those things are bad.

i know the urge to die is pretty strong. i wonder all the time why people want to stay alive, why is everyone always trying to convince us to stay alive. i dont get that. i wonder all the time why i stay alive.

im not a hypochondriac but i see things sometimes...bad things...and it is torture. i cry myself to sleep almost every night and then the bad things i see are there in my dreams. so i dont get much sleep. then im just exhausted all day and i become an emotional zombie. sometimes i wish i did have a brain tumor because then i could die and it wouldnt be suicide...

[northstar]

morningsadness, it's so sad to see that you are having such a tough time :( it sounds to me like there's a lot of stuff going on that you keep to yourself & lash out in anger because of the frustration of it. have you talked to your mom about going to see a counsellor?? that way you might be able to talk about what's going on and learn to handle your anger & stress better.

what i learned is that it doesn't just go away by itself, you have to work at it. i decided not to be a victim to it anymore and turned my life around, so i know it's possible for others to do it too.