Is it too late? Am I messed up?

[AnalogueAnimal]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible and after a lot of thinking, I think I know why I'm this way.

I had a very happy childhood, I had lots of friends, I always spent my time playing my friends but I think I was a sensitive kid. It all changed in my high school after I had an accident. I injured my face and I lost a few tooth and hurt my nose. The scars looked ugly and I had it for a year. During this time, I avoided talking to people,especially girls because of the way I looked. I avoided smiling in front of others and I became more awkward around people. Girls used to call me shy and laughed at me. I started playing online games and made a lot of friends online..I could express and talk freely with them without the fear of getting judged. I felt like my online friends are more real than my real life friends. I would avoid spending time with my real life friends so I could talk to my online friends. This continued for years and I changed from being an extrovert to an introvert.

Another major change in my life is when I had my first anxiety attack. It started 3 years ago and that anxiety feeling never left. I always get anxious over the smallest things, get uneasy and have irrational fears. Whenever I talk to people or friends, I just pretend and keep thinking what I should talk with them to keep the conversation flowing and this exhausts me. If I spend too much time with people outside, the first thing I wanna do is to get back to my room and stay alone for a while. I used to enjoy being with friends and hated being alone but I can't believe, I changed completely and I'm hating this change. One of the root causes to my anxiety is my low self-esteem, feeling like I'm a failure and low confidence. I lost my confidence in my studies, I scored really low and I felt like no matter how much I study, I still score low. Again, it was quite hard studying with my heart racing like a horse. Sometimes, I feel positive knowing I passed my exams living with intense anxiety. I can't talk freely with people. I don't have social anxiety..I can walk up to a stranger and talk to them and I drink alcohol if I have a date with a girl so I can talk freely with them. They tell me I'm confident but without the alcohol, I don't think I'd be that confident.

I don't like living this way- in fear, worrying what others might think of me, being awkward and saying stupid things in a conversation. I know my life changed because of that accident but is it possible to be confident again? I really feel down and hate being so awkward around people. If someone can help me, I would appreciate a lot.

[needtogetwell]

You absolutely can feel confident again, but I think you could use the guidance of a therapist.

A therapist can help you really come to terms with that accident you had and show you ways to overcome some of the slightly distorted thought patterns you may have.

I say slightly because obviously the accident was emotionally traumatic for you, and completely understandable why you lost your confidence. You are well on your way to correcting this as you know the root cause.

I am fairly certain that you would love to go out and enjoy yourself without the crutch of the alcohol. Try a few sessions, you really don't have anything to lose but so much to gain.

I wish you all the best.
Cheers'

[gypsylee]

Hi and welcome to the forum :)

So do you think you're naturally extraverted and became introverted after the accident? Or maybe you were always introverted and the accident was just a catalyst?

I've always been an introvert - even as a very young child I liked keeping to myself. I always had friends but I'd want to go home after a while because I got tired socialising. It's just the way my brain seems to be wired. Once I accepted that I didn't beat myself up over it anymore. So I think you need to work out if it's just because of the accident or if that's your natural state.

Anxiety, however, is not a natural state and you can do stuff about it.

Anyway, all the best to you,
Gypsy x

[AnalogueAnimal]

I'm quite afraid of going to a therapist. I don't know why..I don't want my parents to think I'm mentally sick and abnormal. Apart from my low self-esteem..I feel like I can't talk openly with people because of my anxiety. I either make awkward face or say something silly. Going to therapy is a huge deal for me.

[AnalogueAnimal]

As a kid, I had no fear of getting judged or getting worried what people around me might think of me. I don't think I'm naturally extroverted..I'm more of a reserved type of person but I wasn't socially awkward and inept before. I feel like I don't really have any social skills. I just want to feel free when I talk to someone and express myself better.