Family Anxiety

[jbhoffman123]

As long as I can remember, my mother has made me (and my siblings as well, but in different ways) responsible for her emotional well being. As a child (around 12 or 13), my mother (who was in therapy at the time) would read her journal entries to me that detailed all the emotional and sexual abuse she endured as a child. She would have meltdowns during these periods in which I felt the responsibility of counseling her until she would calm down. Often times I would come home to her in hysterics, burning photos in the bathtub of her own parents, and again, counseling her until she had calmed down.

Around that same time, I found out she was having an affair, which I confronted my mother about, and when she decided to not tell my father it became a burden of mine deciding whether or not I should tell him myself, but eventually found out anyway. This lead to the worst fight I've ever seen them had, my siblings and I were removed from the home by a family member for a few days, and when we returned my parents pretended it never happened and has never been discussed since. They didn't divorce.

Later, when my mom's last living parent died, she feel into a deep depression, became volatile and suicidal, and obsessed with obtaining World Series tickets (though she had never watched a single game of baseball) for some reason. During this time I again would counsel her, tell her how much we all love her and how much she means to us all. She later would tell me I alone saved her life during that time. This was my role and my responsibility in my home.

Things were always volatile and my parents rarely got along. They would fight and be upset about one thing or another, and then take out their anger with each other and their own lives on my siblings and I. Once, when we (like any kids) objected to our designated bedtime after an argument they had, my mother had a breakdown and my father felt as thought it was our fault. He knocked us around pretty good and hung me over our balcony to look at my mother, screaming, "look what you do to her! Do you want to die!?" Of course, I didn't want to die.

When my parents would argue my father would repeatedly threaten to commit suicide, and every time I would run to my mother's defense to protect her from him. Around 9 or 10, I remember walking in on him with a gun in his mouth threatening to kill himself. The only time this was discussed again was when my mother would tell me how awful my father is, she wanted to make sure I knew who's side I should be on.

My mother felt that her attending therapy made her something of an expert in the field and would diagnose me with various mental disorders she felt I had. Middle Child Syndrome was the big one I had. As a child, she would shop me around to various therapists claiming there was something wrong with me (for fighting with my siblings over normal kid stuff), and that I needed to be fixed into being a better brother and son. When these therapists would explain to her that's not how therapy works, I would be sent to someone else until she could find someone that would agree with her. She used this same tactic when finding her own therapist.

Unfortunately, this behavior my parents exhibited has spread to my siblings. In my teenage years and all through adulthood, and even currently, I am criticized and scrutinized for developing relationships outside of our immediate family. I love to play music and have been doing so for 20 years now, but am criticized for it as they feel it takes time away from them (my siblings and parents have very, very few friends and no hobbies. They mostly only spend time with each other). If there is a family function that conflicts with a previous commitment I have, I am subjected to ongoing phone calls, emails, text messages telling me how awful I am, how selfish I am, how I don't care of love any of them. For anyone with a similar upbringing, you know how much guilt this inflicts. Any attempt to defend myself against my mother, father, or sister and share how much it hurts me that they treat me in this way is met with statements like "it's all in your head" "you're too sensitive" or just flat out "no, your feelings are wrong."

These assaults have now moved onto my girlfriend of 3 years who I also live with, which is even more frustrating. We live about an hour/hour-and-a-half away and try to see my family at least twice a month. My sister hasn't been in our home in over two years as she says it's too difficult to travel that far with two kids, and my parents visit for an afternoon 3 or 4 times a year for the same reason minus the kids. So, all visiting is done by my girlfriend and I traveling to see them. My girlfriend is the most loving, supportive and selfless person I've ever met. We're not married, so my family will not refer to her as an aunt to my niece and nephew, but despite this she treats each of them with unconditional love anyway. When we visit she plays for hours on end with my sister's kids, brings them little gifts on occasion (and big ones for birthdays and Christmases). In the past 3 years my girlfriend has come to nearly every single family event with the exception for a Thanksgiving that she spent with her mother. There is a baptism coming up that she has a prior family engagement for, so she will not be able to attend, and thus was met with the wrath of my family that I have been subject to.

I understand that my parents' emotional needs were not met as children in their homes, so they assigned that responsibility to their own kids. I understand they cannot associate my life from their own, and that they cannot empathize with anyone but themselves. But knowing that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with, and the constant anxiety I feel is killing me. I constantly feel like a bad person, even though I know I'm not. I've been in therapy for about a year now trying to deal with this, and some days I feel okay, but most I still don't. My therapist is great, and so supportive, and has provided me with a million ways to cope and deal, but I feel like there is a hurdle I just cannot get over.
I’m not looking for answers. Just thought it would help to write. Thanks for listening.

[mrslizzyg]

I just wanted to let you know I read all of this.. and I wanted to say that I'm very sorry to the things you were exposed to as a child. I'm sure that was not easy and has significantly effected you throughout life.

My situation was def not exactly the same as yours, but I had a mother who left me responsible for her emotional well being, too. My parents divorced when I was 12, due to my mother having an affair(that I knew about and never told my father..). My mother became a drunk, and a miserable one at that. She would come to me and cry for hours on end. She would stand outside my door at night and yell at me(horrible words...) until 4am because she was angry I didn't do the dishes or something stupid. She would get so trashed and try to drive her car, and I'd end up fighting her out of the vehicle, hiding her keys, and then listening to her cry about her life and misery for the next few hours, all the while angry at me for "ruining her life" since I wouldn't let her drive. She also used to talk bad about my father constantly, and when I would go see him she would get angry at me for caring about him.

For a parent to be emotionally dependent on her children/child is just a terrible thing. I love my mother to death but when I needed her she thought she needed me more.


Just wanted to share that with you.. Hang in there. It seems like you have a great woman by your side if anything. :)

[Kixxi]

As long as I can remember, my mother has made me (and my siblings as well, but in different ways) responsible for her emotional well being. As a child (around 12 or 13), my mother (who was in therapy at the time) would read her journal entries to me that detailed all the emotional and sexual abuse she endured as a child. She would have meltdowns during these periods in which I felt the responsibility of counseling her until she would calm down. Often times I would come home to her in hysterics, burning photos in the bathtub of her own parents, and again, counseling her until she had calmed down.

Around that same time, I found out she was having an affair, which I confronted my mother about, and when she decided to not tell my father it became a burden of mine deciding whether or not I should tell him myself, but eventually found out anyway. This lead to the worst fight I've ever seen them had, my siblings and I were removed from the home by a family member for a few days, and when we returned my parents pretended it never happened and has never been discussed since. They didn't divorce.

Later, when my mom's last living parent died, she feel into a deep depression, became volatile and suicidal, and obsessed with obtaining World Series tickets (though she had never watched a single game of baseball) for some reason. During this time I again would counsel her, tell her how much we all love her and how much she means to us all. She later would tell me I alone saved her life during that time. This was my role and my responsibility in my home.

Things were always volatile and my parents rarely got along. They would fight and be upset about one thing or another, and then take out their anger with each other and their own lives on my siblings and I. Once, when we (like any kids) objected to our designated bedtime after an argument they had, my mother had a breakdown and my father felt as thought it was our fault. He knocked us around pretty good and hung me over our balcony to look at my mother, screaming, "look what you do to her! Do you want to die!?" Of course, I didn't want to die.

When my parents would argue my father would repeatedly threaten to commit suicide, and every time I would run to my mother's defense to protect her from him. Around 9 or 10, I remember walking in on him with a gun in his mouth threatening to kill himself. The only time this was discussed again was when my mother would tell me how awful my father is, she wanted to make sure I knew who's side I should be on.

My mother felt that her attending therapy made her something of an expert in the field and would diagnose me with various mental disorders she felt I had. Middle Child Syndrome was the big one I had. As a child, she would shop me around to various therapists claiming there was something wrong with me (for fighting with my siblings over normal kid stuff), and that I needed to be fixed into being a better brother and son. When these therapists would explain to her that's not how therapy works, I would be sent to someone else until she could find someone that would agree with her. She used this same tactic when finding her own therapist.

Unfortunately, this behavior my parents exhibited has spread to my siblings. In my teenage years and all through adulthood, and even currently, I am criticized and scrutinized for developing relationships outside of our immediate family. I love to play music and have been doing so for 20 years now, but am criticized for it as they feel it takes time away from them (my siblings and parents have very, very few friends and no hobbies. They mostly only spend time with each other). If there is a family function that conflicts with a previous commitment I have, I am subjected to ongoing phone calls, emails, text messages telling me how awful I am, how selfish I am, how I don't care of love any of them. For anyone with a similar upbringing, you know how much guilt this inflicts. Any attempt to defend myself against my mother, father, or sister and share how much it hurts me that they treat me in this way is met with statements like "it's all in your head" "you're too sensitive" or just flat out "no, your feelings are wrong."

These assaults have now moved onto my girlfriend of 3 years who I also live with, which is even more frustrating. We live about an hour/hour-and-a-half away and try to see my family at least twice a month. My sister hasn't been in our home in over two years as she says it's too difficult to travel that far with two kids, and my parents visit for an afternoon 3 or 4 times a year for the same reason minus the kids. So, all visiting is done by my girlfriend and I traveling to see them. My girlfriend is the most loving, supportive and selfless person I've ever met. We're not married, so my family will not refer to her as an aunt to my niece and nephew, but despite this she treats each of them with unconditional love anyway. When we visit she plays for hours on end with my sister's kids, brings them little gifts on occasion (and big ones for birthdays and Christmases). In the past 3 years my girlfriend has come to nearly every single family event with the exception for a Thanksgiving that she spent with her mother. There is a baptism coming up that she has a prior family engagement for, so she will not be able to attend, and thus was met with the wrath of my family that I have been subject to.

I understand that my parents' emotional needs were not met as children in their homes, so they assigned that responsibility to their own kids. I understand they cannot associate my life from their own, and that they cannot empathize with anyone but themselves. But knowing that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with, and the constant anxiety I feel is killing me. I constantly feel like a bad person, even though I know I'm not. I've been in therapy for about a year now trying to deal with this, and some days I feel okay, but most I still don't. My therapist is great, and so supportive, and has provided me with a million ways to cope and deal, but I feel like there is a hurdle I just cannot get over.
I’m not looking for answers. Just thought it would help to write. Thanks for listening.

Unfortunately this is quite a common problem, I also had problems with my mom, although somewhat different from yours. My mom was and is an alcoholic. My dad could not deal with the problem, so he was always gone and eventually left us for greener pastures. I ended up taking care of my mum and picking her of the floor half the time. Needless to say, I know what kind of effect it can have on your mental health. Your parents should be taking care of you, not the other way around...