lareth
06-05-2015, 12:43 PM
Sorry, this will be a long post... you can just skip all this backstory and read the ending, I just want to explain the situation.. To myself as well.
This is my second time to be hospitalized. Last time I met the best people and we had a lot of fun while dealing with our issues. Then three years went by, and now I got hospitalized again. This time it's different.. There's no one there to share the experience with etc.
I already had a slight panic attack that made me run inside my house from outside whilst having a cigarette. I took a diazepam and told myself that this is normal, since it's quite the difference to come here from the isolated hospital, back home, where the last time I was here, I was in a nice relationship, my life was stabilizing slowly I thought, and I imagined I might have a real chance to go back to school etc.
But the real issue I think for now is with my mother. Here's some of the back story. Sorry this might be a long set up for what I'm about to ask or talk about. She left me when I was young, and then my father, who for some reason hated me more than anything, kicked me out, so I spent my youth on the streets and trying to survive on my own. I did spend some time abroad with my mother, but I was pretty much there to keep her company, I had no money, nothing to do, and no where else to go, and then went back to my fathers for a little while, but I was always isolated and had no basic rights, I was treated worse than a dog pretty much, and was happier on the streets.
So here's where the problems start. In the end I got my own place and started school. My mother kept calling me like I was her shrink, and I was young, she threatened me with calling the police or something if I didn't answer my phone, and on one weekend I counted around 40 phone calls from her alone. I was around 16 or 17. I couldn't handle everything at the time, so I skipped school and just stayed indoors all the time. In the end, when I was around 20 I just couldn't take it anymore, I knew my mother needed help, and I feel I cared more for her than she did for me, because I wanted to help, but it should be the other way around. I cut relations to my whole family, my dad had lied to everyone that I was a drug addict and a criminal, so that they wouldn't help me, and I had to change my phone number about and at least 3 times a year to keep it hidden, because someone would always get their hands on it. I also had to keep my address a secret, because when they got it, my father would come banging and shouting behind my door sometimes 5 times a week, sometimes a month would go by and he'd be back, or my mother would start harassing me etc, or send my poor sister, who isn't that smart and who was pressured into coming to my house to yell at me for no reason.
When I got to around 22 or 24, this harassment slowly went away, since I always just kept to myself, and rarely, if ever, responded. They kept at it as much as they could, even after this, but it became rarer.
So, when I had a nervous breakdown 3 years ago, at the age of 26, I had to get out of my flat, and I had heard my mother had a flat over in the town where I lived. I was desperate, so I called my aunt, mothers sister, if she could let me in my moms flat. I hadn't spoken to my mother in years, but alas, she had moved back here, and was at the home, but I had no where else to turn anymore, so I went there. A month later I was in hospital, and my mom was back in my life.
This three years she has helped me, borrowed me money, since I can't hold a job, brought me food etc, and helped me with my son (that's a whole other matter). But the price is too much. I still feel like her caretaker, just like when I was a kid.
HERE'S THE ISSUE:
Today when I got my leave, I tried to get my friend with a car to drive me so I wouldn't have to call her, but he was elsewhere and I thought, how bad could it be. I just get the ride home, and that's it.
I got home, after not being alone for a few weeks, and I turned my phone on silent, and started going through my things, sorting out my flat, etc, listening to music. Literally 5 minutes after I got home, she called me, and started sending me messages, and I knew it would start again. First of all, I know she is worried, that much is obvious. But she then masks and adds to this "worry", all of her needs. She is lonely, she wanted me to come over her house. I said no thanks. I don't feel that bond. The only things she's really ever done to me have hurt me so much, ruined my younger life even. I remember spending most of my days as a 7 to 10 year old at my friends house rather than home.
But today, she kept at it, and I had just been released from hospital for the first time after some serious issues. I was trying to cope with this whole situation, and there she is, starting her indirect demands and victimization of herself again. I turned my phone screen down and kept trying to just be, so I wouldn't have to see her call me and send me messages all the time, because it makes me really sad that I have to keep saying no to her, and she won't listen, and then I have to get angry, and it makes it even worse, I don't want to get angry, because then she gets the "right" to play the victim, and I just have to take it.
So, in the end, unsurprisingly, she shows up, all teary etc. I knew it would happen, but I just tried to focus on myself, for fucking once in my life, without someone coming to my door with harassment or demands or drama or anything. To put it short, I hugged her, and I told her, that I can't take care of her anymore. She responded, that she's here for me, not for her. I said it's not true, I know it from experience, and I just can't keep saying no to things she suggests over and over again, I can't keep denying her demands all the time, I am exhausted, tired, sad, I haven't even got the time to be sad over the lost relationship due to this last crisis, I'm confused, mentally unstable. She then plays the victim, and says "I guess you're not coming to my house tonight then", with the intonation of a 5 year old child not getting what they want, and all I could do was stay quiet, go back to sorting my stuff, when she spent a while in the hallway trying to play the victim, but at the same time I imagine not finding a way to do it in a way, that it would be obvious.
So now she left, made me feel miserable, horrible, and I don't know what to do. I know I can't talk to her, the last time I had a breakdown, I first talked, then shouted at her, for the things she had done, and she was literally whistling and doing the dishes. She is in absolute denial, and I don't blame her, I don't blame anyone for being that way, but Jesus Christ, I can't take this shit any more.
The irony is, that she is the last person in my life from my family, but in some ways she is worse than anyone has been to me in my family. She left me, she used me, she would take me on her drinking sprees after her divorce from my father and I was borderline sexually harassed by her friends, one in particular, at age 10 or 11. I had to listen to her cry, listen to her depression, take care of her, be the man for her, at like 9 years old. And if you didn't read what I said before, this went on and on and on for a decade, even when she left to live in another country with a new husband, I had to take her calls every fucking day for years and years. I have so much pent up frustration or anger, or resentment towards her, that I can barely look her in the eyes. I can barely talk to her, I say as little as possible to her, I just can't take it. I don't know what to do.
This is my second time to be hospitalized. Last time I met the best people and we had a lot of fun while dealing with our issues. Then three years went by, and now I got hospitalized again. This time it's different.. There's no one there to share the experience with etc.
I already had a slight panic attack that made me run inside my house from outside whilst having a cigarette. I took a diazepam and told myself that this is normal, since it's quite the difference to come here from the isolated hospital, back home, where the last time I was here, I was in a nice relationship, my life was stabilizing slowly I thought, and I imagined I might have a real chance to go back to school etc.
But the real issue I think for now is with my mother. Here's some of the back story. Sorry this might be a long set up for what I'm about to ask or talk about. She left me when I was young, and then my father, who for some reason hated me more than anything, kicked me out, so I spent my youth on the streets and trying to survive on my own. I did spend some time abroad with my mother, but I was pretty much there to keep her company, I had no money, nothing to do, and no where else to go, and then went back to my fathers for a little while, but I was always isolated and had no basic rights, I was treated worse than a dog pretty much, and was happier on the streets.
So here's where the problems start. In the end I got my own place and started school. My mother kept calling me like I was her shrink, and I was young, she threatened me with calling the police or something if I didn't answer my phone, and on one weekend I counted around 40 phone calls from her alone. I was around 16 or 17. I couldn't handle everything at the time, so I skipped school and just stayed indoors all the time. In the end, when I was around 20 I just couldn't take it anymore, I knew my mother needed help, and I feel I cared more for her than she did for me, because I wanted to help, but it should be the other way around. I cut relations to my whole family, my dad had lied to everyone that I was a drug addict and a criminal, so that they wouldn't help me, and I had to change my phone number about and at least 3 times a year to keep it hidden, because someone would always get their hands on it. I also had to keep my address a secret, because when they got it, my father would come banging and shouting behind my door sometimes 5 times a week, sometimes a month would go by and he'd be back, or my mother would start harassing me etc, or send my poor sister, who isn't that smart and who was pressured into coming to my house to yell at me for no reason.
When I got to around 22 or 24, this harassment slowly went away, since I always just kept to myself, and rarely, if ever, responded. They kept at it as much as they could, even after this, but it became rarer.
So, when I had a nervous breakdown 3 years ago, at the age of 26, I had to get out of my flat, and I had heard my mother had a flat over in the town where I lived. I was desperate, so I called my aunt, mothers sister, if she could let me in my moms flat. I hadn't spoken to my mother in years, but alas, she had moved back here, and was at the home, but I had no where else to turn anymore, so I went there. A month later I was in hospital, and my mom was back in my life.
This three years she has helped me, borrowed me money, since I can't hold a job, brought me food etc, and helped me with my son (that's a whole other matter). But the price is too much. I still feel like her caretaker, just like when I was a kid.
HERE'S THE ISSUE:
Today when I got my leave, I tried to get my friend with a car to drive me so I wouldn't have to call her, but he was elsewhere and I thought, how bad could it be. I just get the ride home, and that's it.
I got home, after not being alone for a few weeks, and I turned my phone on silent, and started going through my things, sorting out my flat, etc, listening to music. Literally 5 minutes after I got home, she called me, and started sending me messages, and I knew it would start again. First of all, I know she is worried, that much is obvious. But she then masks and adds to this "worry", all of her needs. She is lonely, she wanted me to come over her house. I said no thanks. I don't feel that bond. The only things she's really ever done to me have hurt me so much, ruined my younger life even. I remember spending most of my days as a 7 to 10 year old at my friends house rather than home.
But today, she kept at it, and I had just been released from hospital for the first time after some serious issues. I was trying to cope with this whole situation, and there she is, starting her indirect demands and victimization of herself again. I turned my phone screen down and kept trying to just be, so I wouldn't have to see her call me and send me messages all the time, because it makes me really sad that I have to keep saying no to her, and she won't listen, and then I have to get angry, and it makes it even worse, I don't want to get angry, because then she gets the "right" to play the victim, and I just have to take it.
So, in the end, unsurprisingly, she shows up, all teary etc. I knew it would happen, but I just tried to focus on myself, for fucking once in my life, without someone coming to my door with harassment or demands or drama or anything. To put it short, I hugged her, and I told her, that I can't take care of her anymore. She responded, that she's here for me, not for her. I said it's not true, I know it from experience, and I just can't keep saying no to things she suggests over and over again, I can't keep denying her demands all the time, I am exhausted, tired, sad, I haven't even got the time to be sad over the lost relationship due to this last crisis, I'm confused, mentally unstable. She then plays the victim, and says "I guess you're not coming to my house tonight then", with the intonation of a 5 year old child not getting what they want, and all I could do was stay quiet, go back to sorting my stuff, when she spent a while in the hallway trying to play the victim, but at the same time I imagine not finding a way to do it in a way, that it would be obvious.
So now she left, made me feel miserable, horrible, and I don't know what to do. I know I can't talk to her, the last time I had a breakdown, I first talked, then shouted at her, for the things she had done, and she was literally whistling and doing the dishes. She is in absolute denial, and I don't blame her, I don't blame anyone for being that way, but Jesus Christ, I can't take this shit any more.
The irony is, that she is the last person in my life from my family, but in some ways she is worse than anyone has been to me in my family. She left me, she used me, she would take me on her drinking sprees after her divorce from my father and I was borderline sexually harassed by her friends, one in particular, at age 10 or 11. I had to listen to her cry, listen to her depression, take care of her, be the man for her, at like 9 years old. And if you didn't read what I said before, this went on and on and on for a decade, even when she left to live in another country with a new husband, I had to take her calls every fucking day for years and years. I have so much pent up frustration or anger, or resentment towards her, that I can barely look her in the eyes. I can barely talk to her, I say as little as possible to her, I just can't take it. I don't know what to do.