Some anxiety advice needed

[John06]

Hello all, first time posting.

I've suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time. I'll give a brief overview of my story.

The earliest anxiety and depression I can remember is around age 12. I struggled with all the usual symptoms and eventually lost all friends and alienated myself from family. I developed a mild case of agrophobia (sp?) around age 18 and didn't leave the house for a long time.

Around age 23 i overcame these feelings with the help of medication and support from a family that really came through for me. I felt normal for the first time since my teenage years.

This is when I met my current partner,now fiance. We have had a child together,and for a few years all was great.

6 months ago depression crept back up on me. I tried to talk to my partner, but as she had never experienced depression or anyone with depression, she blamed herself and got upset. (Im sure others have had this)

Since then I've lied about being fine. I tried an ecig to help cope, which I also lied to her about. When she found it, this nearly ended our relationship.

What I can't understand is why I feel so anxious about being open. It seems like such stupid things to lie about, I can't grasp why I did it. I guess I'm scared she won't want to be with someone with this many issues,but obviously lying will just make things worse.

Has anyone had feelings like these? And if so how did you deal with them? I am craving a cigarette but really don't want to go there lol.

Does this sound like anxiety? Or just cowardice?
Thanks all,
John

[gypsylee]

Hi John and welcome :)

Do you know why the depression crept back six months ago?

I'm guessing you're feeling very anxious about losing your partner because she hasn't seen you with depression before and doesn't understand. I'm sure if you somehow teach her about anxiety/depression she will be alright with it. It isn't some terrible mysterious illness :)

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[John06]

I think it was just a build up of things. I was under a lot of pressure at the time and I think it sparked it all off.

She understands a bit more now due to suffering herself after an op. I just can't shake the thoughts and feelings that if I do anything she might not like or upset her she'll leave. I know rationally that's rubbish, but it's stuck in my head that it will happen. I think I'm worried thinking like that is going to push her away anyway. She's noticed a change in me. (Moping and looking miserable if I forget to keep smiling sort of thing)

[Kuma]

Your situation is tough but I think not all that unusual. A spouse (or girlfriend, etc.) who has not experienced anxiety or depression may find it hard to understand, even if they are generally fairly empathetic people. And blaming themselves is a common reaction, I think -- as is being scared. The same person who would know just fine how to deal with your breaking a leg or even having a heart attack finds a psychological condition harder to deal with.

When I had the worst of my anxiety, I discussed it with my wife. I told her it is extremely challenging and demoralizing to deal with, but in a way that I think would be very hard to understand if you have not experienced it. I acknowledged that I did not understand it before I experienced it, so I don't really expect her to do so. I also told her that while, inevitably, it would impact her to some extent, I would try to minimize the impact that it had on her. For example, when I could not sleep at all, I would go into the other room, so I would not keep her awake. And I would force myself to continue to work, even when it was not so easy, so that our income would not be interrupted. I think the open communication was useful, although she still found it a bit scary and somewhat mysterious. And I often did not want to talk about it either -- very private thoughts and fears are tough to talk about, and sometimes just don't sound right in words, even for those of us who consider ourselves to be relatively articulate. My wife was helpful in "forcing" me to get up and out of bed and out of the house -- even if only to take a walk -- when I felt my worst.

Pretending everything is fine is not, in my view, a good road to go down -- though I certainly understand why you might try it. She will know something is wrong. And your credibility is important in a relationship. She won't hate you for being depressed or anxious, but she might not like it if you lie to her.

[gypsylee]

Try showing her some info online about anxiety and depression, or a pamphlet from the doctor or something. I did that once in a relationship and it sort of demystified the whole thing. Or she could join this forum! ;)

[needtogetwell]

Hi John,

Welcome, many people here feel as you do. Kuma has given you a great response, I don't think I can add anything to it, all I can suggest is that you are open and honest with your fiancée. She likely doesn't know how to deal with this type of situation, but then again neither do you at this point. Together, acknowledging each other's fears can bring you closer together and make the journey a little more tolerable for both of you.

A few days ago my husband got a lung cancer diagnosis. Needless to say we are both terrified of it and the uncertain path that lays ahead. The one thing which has helped is that we both acknowledged the fear and are now ready to travel the path together.

It is difficult to be vulnerable to your partner, but ultimately it will help you understand and help each other.

Good luck,
Cheers!

[Kuma]

Hi John,

Welcome, many people here feel as you do. Kuma has given you a great response, I don't think I can add anything to it, all I can suggest is that you are open and honest with your fiancée. She likely doesn't know how to deal with this type of situation, but then again neither do you at this point. Together, acknowledging each other's fears can bring you closer together and make the journey a little more tolerable for both of you.

A few days ago my husband got a lung cancer diagnosis. Needless to say we are both terrified of it and the uncertain path that lays ahead. The one thing which has helped is that we both acknowledged the fear and are now ready to travel the path together.

It is difficult to be vulnerable to your partner, but ultimately it will help you understand and help each other.

Good luck,
Cheers!


Wow that is tough news (about the lung cancer). Sorry to hear that. I guess it is not the topic for this board, but there have been some significant advances in lung cancer treatment recently. I have had reason to look into this. Feel free to PM me about it if you want. I hope you find a successful treatment... Best wishes,.

[needtogetwell]

Wow that is tough news (about the lung cancer). Sorry to hear that. I guess it is not the topic for this board, but there have been some significant advances in lung cancer treatment recently. I have had reason to look into this. Feel free to PM me about it if you want. I hope you find a successful treatment... Best wishes,.

Thank you Kuma, it has been a long week. Glad to say that the anxiety has kept at bay. Not allowing my mind to race, taking it one day at a time and staying in the moment.