Obsessive Checking on my faithful girlfriend

[hopingthishelps]

hi, I am a healthy charismatic sociable 40 year old man.

I've been in my current relationship for 4 years. 3 of these years have been plagued by jealousy and obsessive wanting to check that my girlfriend is not keeping any other makes a secret from me. My previous marriage ended when I found out my wife was having multiple organised affairs. I found out when her behaviour had become really suspicious .. And knowing she would never admit it .. I turned into a digital private detective and it was only then that I found the depth of her deception .. It was awful, we had 2 year old child, it broke me and I left.

After i got myself back together over the course of 2 years .. I fell in love with my current girlfriend and we fell for each other.

Long story short .. I began to feel jealous whenever my girl was seeing, talking to, doing business with it even mentioning other men.

I felt threatened by any other male in her life. Slowly but surely my anxiety and jealousy grew into a monster. We split up all the time .. And then she takes me back .. Another chance .. So many times it's ridiculous ..

She has just been away with her sister and other girlfriends to Ibiza doing the club thing.

I have spent the last week totally unable to function due to intrusive thoughts, anxiety and jealousy. I've not been able to do anything at all.

I'm suffering from unwanted intrusive thoughts and checking on her digitally constantly. Although I know that the checking is making me feel worse I feel I can't help it.

I wanted to post on here to see if anyone else has had or is in the same situation.

Any feedback or reply would be hugely appreciated

[gypsylee]

Did you ever have this obsessive urge to check on your partner BEFORE your wife cheated?

[hopingthishelps]

Hi Gypsy thanks for your reply ..

Yes I have suffered hugely with this in my previous relationship, but the way in which the marriage ended was totally harming to me... Because my ex wife had become very suspicious in her behaviour, and I knew she would not own up.. I became private detective to get the evidence.. This took a week and I neither slept or ate. Once I delved, bingo! Multiple & organised affairs with work colleagues...
I do believe that my ex-wife was actually lying to me over years though .. So if my anxiety was there before my marriage, it must have compounded it.

I had never checked on anything to this extent before...

I met a new girl, she really loves me .. Yet my jealous anxious checking behaviour started to creep in .. And now its a monster..

The problem I have now is, this has pressured our relationship for so long, is that I'm scared of being open with her, she says I have to sort this out my own. I have to trust her or it won't work ..
Which seems impossible.

So, if I don't explain my feelings and anxiety and triggers, they manifest and stay within me ... If I do, I could be pushed away / rejected again .. Crippling it is!

She has actually just started paying for us to couples therapy .. She is sick of us splitting up, getting back, and splitting up .. its embarrassing to everyone around us (not that that matters)

I do deep down believe she is trustworthy. But one slight trigger and I go under.

She has just been in Ibiza for a week, and I'm sat here working out what she said, where she went, who with,
I breakdown the times in between text messages & calls and what she said .. even if she doesn't put kisses on a message I get anxious..

This is ridiculous, which I why I'm posting on here! :)

[needtogetwell]

I am thinking the couples therapy would be a good thing for you, maybe some therapy for you alone as well.

I think you need to have help dealing with the fall out from your ex-wife so as not to destroy your current relationship which is obviously very important to you.

Wishing you all the best.
Cheers.

[gypsylee]

Well just the fact she is paying for couples therapy says she's pretty serious about the relationship.

It sounds like you do need help getting over the shock of your wife cheating (not just cheating but actually having multiple affairs). That's one of the hardest things a person ever has to deal with and not easy to get over.

[hopingthishelps]

Thank you ....

You know, in my mind I have 2 views that I seem to jump between.

View 1- Its all my insecurities & emotions that make ME anxious.

View 2- My partner is aware of my triggers and should do more to support me, as my triggers are clear and easily understood.

And I jump between the 2 depending on the situation. I get anxious based on what my partner is doing .. (Out with her friends, or not texting for hours, or getting a too drunk etc ..)

I do understand that my partner cannot and should not change what she does to accommodate my weakness and I do want her to feel free.

Baring in mind that deep in my heart I don't believe she would be unfaithful, do you think that VIEW No.1 is true and I should try to discard VIEW No.2 totally?

Does that even make sense?? :)

[gypsylee]

It's hard as an outsider to know what she does and doesn't do that could affect your anxiety. Like if she breaks promises or stays out much longer than she said, then that's something she should change. But if they're small things, like she's a little bit late or didn't text one time, then you're probably overreacting. So I know what you're saying but I can't really answer unless I have all the details. The counselling should work it out.

[hopingthishelps]

OK.... Ive just had another trigger and felt the stomach tighten etc ..
I'm going to put a real example of trigger below..

I text my girlfriend at 12midday - She is in Ibiza, I got anxious whilst I was a meal with family and it was overwhelming so I thought I would try and talk to my girlfriend for help. This is where I feel like I'm being punished by long silences and also threatened with ending the relationship. And I'm totally confused with it .... Any feedback is appreciated and I feel quite stupid putting this on here ..

12:25:20: ME: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

16:22:11: ME: Bloody missing you darling .. I've gotta say xx

16:31:43: HER: Aw well that's good, I'm just here, honestly xx

16:32:19: ME: Ok darling ... I'll call you when I get back xxx

17:13:28: ME: Darling Xx I'm really struggling .. And I don't want to say .... You seem to be on what's app a lot .. I'm just wondering who to? I'm sorry to ask ... I'm so scared of upsetting you ... I can't wait to get home so I can call you .. Am gonna go Therapist tomorrow at 5 ... Im sorry to be negative ... Re reading your lovely messages and trying to stay positive .. But I'm really finding it hard ... I don't want to be serious and I don't wanna piss you of either .. Xx

17:20:14: HER: Darling, I have my phone and I keep checking if I've got a message from you!!! I am not speaking to anyone. Why do you mistrust me??? I feel like I need to keep checking in because I know how your mind works. I don't do this to you....why do you do it to me??? Sorry, I just don't need to go under right now xx

17:21:02: ME: And ps .. I know it's all my problem .. I'm 10 out 10 anxious .. And I know it's just me .. I'm sorry xx

17:22:28: ME: I know your twatted darling .. I have no problem with you ... At all .. I didn't want to say how bad I am .. Please don't see it as an attack as there is none ... It's my stuff .. I got it bad .. Spoke to Therapist and going tomorrow xx

17:22:36: HER: Ok well I'm sorry you feel that way but I can't help you from here. Only you can help yourself. Without trust, it will not work. You decide xx

17:24:14: HER: Darling I understand but I don't deserve to be brought down by your stuff anymore. I can't let it affect my holiday, I refuse xx

17:25:36: ME: I'm not bringing you down my love ... It's just me that's in a mess ... I'm sorry ... Bloody hell .. Sorry xx

17:32:27: ME: Is ok babe .. Have fun & be bloody careful ;) xx

19:03:49: ME: Sorry .. Like I said ... Didn't wanna stress you ... I know your on it so enjoy and give me a bell tomorrow ... Love you ❤️❤️❤️

21:07:37: HER: I do not understand why you feel the need to express your insecurities when I'm away. I cannot help you and all your doing is fucking ruining my time. I think it's really really selfish. Turned a corner??? Seriously??? Never gonna change. Not acceptable because you need to tell me how shit your feeling and take enjoyment away from my escape. You are not thinking about my feelings at any point here. I know what it feels like to be horrendously anxious but I also didn't involve anyone in my personal shit. This is your shit, I'm sick of it, I don't deserve it and you've ruined any hope I had for the future

08:54:48: HER: Your logging on what's app a lot, who are you taking too??

09:40:13: ME: Sorry it got the better of me xx

10:26:02: ME: And I hope your ok ... And I know I shouldn't worry any more than a natural level ... I'm gonna see Therapist tonight at 5pm. I'm really sorry that I asked you about what's app ... It was because I had sent you ❤️❤️❤️❤️ and you didn't reply for hours but I could see you had been on it ... And that's when my dumb mind kicked in ... Simple as that ... I'm sorry xx

10:42:50: ME: I didn't want to tell you but then I thought just put it out there maybe better than keeping it in ... Terrible timing and the last thing you needed ... I'll shut up now .. Sorry .. Hope your ok after your big sesh and I hope we can just forget about my wobble and get back on the good foot xx

11:43:22: HER: Ok xx

11:47:14: HER: I don't want to discuss it over this and while on holiday. We can talk when I get back but it does drain me and I don't want to feel down on holiday when I'm trying to have fun with friends and not doing any wrong. I won't reassure you because you know already. Hope you feel better after chatting with Therapist xx

[hopingthishelps]

This is a typical scenario and I know that I am needy. But I find it very hard when she tells me I cannot mention it, because she doesn't want to hear it.
Its so hard when we are so far apart, and to me, she is on a clubbing holiday in Ibiza and that is such a big challenge for me to deal with ..
I was starting to get anxious when I took her to the airport.
She said I had nothing to worry about .. and that she would FaceTime me and send me texts etc.
But the nights when she went out .. and then stayed up all night and carried on into the next were extremely hard for me.
Especially when I had texted her, and didn't get anything back for hours although I could see she was online on whatsAPP often..
At that point my anxiety became unbearable..
She got home yesterday ..
She is ill now and just been in bed sleeping she says ..
But I can see she is constantly on whatsAPP
I text her, ask her she's is ok.. 5 minutes laters she replies "No, Feel like shit, why?"
then she immediately goes back online on whatsapp for another 30 minutes... This is 8.30pm
I wake up this morning, look at whatsapp and see she was last online at 11.54pm..

So, I feel like a child telling tales on here, but I just wanted to illustrate exactly whats going on for me.

Its a lot of words sorry

[needtogetwell]

Hi hopingthishelps.

I just went back and re-read the first line of your original post. You are 40 years old, I have to wonder what else you have in your life to focus on rather than your girlfriend? Do you work? Do you have kids?

After reading how your conversations go, she is apparently very loving and compassionate, but I also get the sense that your neediness is testing her strength.

Go and see the therapist, and try to find something else to focus on rather than her. It will take time but together you will find your way.

[gypsylee]

You know, these apps that tell you when people are on, if they read your messages etc, are more trouble than they're worth! Ignorance is bliss in some cases I think. But I get why this makes you anxious, because you found out about your ex via email and whatever. Maybe you should delete this WhatsApp thing for now and just stick to texts and phone calls when you aren't together?

[hopingthishelps]

Hi needtogetwell, thank you ..

I had company in the city for 11 years and it went under at the same time as my marriage split. I haven't worked for a year due to the problems with my self esteem / anxiety / relationship etc.

So currently I'm trying to restart a career, any career really, although I am scared of making arrangements and interviews etc, I'm scared that If I am anxious / under around the time, I will get more anxious feeling that I have to deal with people.

When I'm suffering I keep my head down and don't do anything. I know that this is not helping but I'm really struggling to find the strength to rise above it and consequently worried that I have maybe lost the spark and the drive.
I right music a lot but that stops when the demons kick in too.

I feel like a failed man really. I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter who I have with Wednesday to Saturday, which also makes a full time job impossible for the moment. If I was full time working I would only see my daughter every other weekend.

Your right about my partner though, she is loving & compassionate and has shown me many times over the years that she loves me. The fact that she is still here is proof in itself.

We had moved into her house and that lasted about a year as it became a pressure cooker for me.

I have tested her strength time and time again, and also I've been dumped time & again..

In some ways I wish I was not in love with her because then I would not have to deal with these insecurities .. But then, it would be the same in my next relationship?

Its really good to hear different opinions on here, and I have been ready a lot too ..

It seems that I really really have to get motivated to fix myself ... nobody else can do it ..Therapy, Diet, keeping myself calm and avoiding any behaviour that makes em feel worse .. checking etc.

[hopingthishelps]

Thanks Gypsylee, I was just thinking about deleting whatsapp an hour ago .. so I will do that now!
DONE - GONE :)

And yes I too think that the ridiculous digital spying behaviour came from the past trauma .. Emails, Facebook, online mobile accounts, I became quite good at it ... How sad am I?

One therapist said that I'm trying to foresee any danger before it happens.

My partner is gorgeous, whitty, clever, successful, sexy, she's an amazing girl .. To loose someone so special because I'm too scared of what she may do is just ridiculous.

I really appreciate your replays and it is really good to be able to share this .. I have a warm family and good friends .. But this is really great .. thank you

[hopingthishelps]

Oh and lastly .. I am so far gone with these behaviours and negative thoughts .. I am really going to try from this moment .. not to check a thing .. :)

[needtogetwell]

Hi Hoping,
Well it seems that you do know what you have to do and that's a great place to start from. Good for you deleting the app. With time hopefully the impulse to download it again will fade.

Here's a thought..... It seems that you have a lot of time on your hands which can be disastrous for those of us with anxiety issues. Rather than fixing everything at once, which we both know is not going to happen, try one small step at a time.

When you feel the need to check in on the girlfriend, how about going out for a short walk down the road and back. If you have some headphones put on some music you really like and walk. Look around at your surroundings, notice the little things, how green the grass is, how the sky looks. What I am trying to get you to do is live in the now. Right here, right now, appreciate and notice what is around you. It takes a bit of practice but can be really helpful to refocus your racing mind. If when you get back from the walk you still feel the need to touch base with your girlfriend then do it.

Small steps, you will get there.

[hopingthishelps]

OK, so I just deleted whatsapp ... Deactivated Facebook.

I have the login details for email .. and Skype .. and hotmail ...

Previously, I admitted having accessed these and asked my partner to change them so that I could not access.

So I really don't want to admit the same thing again, but I need to get her to change them so I cannot access them if I want to ..

Any ideas? This sounds ridiculous I know
:)

[gypsylee]

Good work! Sometimes we have to actually "ban" ourselves from things that stress us out. For example, I've had to block certain people on Facebook just so I won't stalk them so easily LOL.

[hopingthishelps]

Thanks Needtogetwell,
I will take your advice and force myself to move .. get out ... anything but sit still and think ...
When people or articles I have read suggest this, I have instantly said no in mind, I'm not strong enough ..
But .. Doctors, therapists or drugs can't change this for me can they, I have to find that inner strength on my own...

And just for reference, I went to see my ill girlfriend this afternoon, she told me about her holiday in Ibiza, showed me pics, told me what they did ......
I basically came away thinking "what the F*&k kind of a story had I created in my mind!"

I will do this .. I can do this ..
Thank you

[hopingthishelps]

Thanks! I actually created a fake Facebook page a couple of years ago as I was blocked from girlfriend on my own .. Jees .. Basically creating my own little world of digital pain!
How the hell have I got to this! No more .. deactivate / ban / block :)

[gypsylee]

I think you should just ask her to change the login details and tell her you deleted the app, because you are making an effort to not check on her all the time and don't want to be tempted to log in to those accounts. I think she'll appreciate that.

That's the thing with all this online stuff - you do create stories in your mind when you don't have all the info. So it's better to not even have access to it sometimes. I don't know why the creators of these apps have to make them so you can see when people were online or if they've read your messages or whatever. It must cause so many dramas.

[needtogetwell]

Yes you can do this! You have made a great start. Keep the steps small and build on them bit by bit. Acknowledge your feelings, good bad and ugly. If you try to do this all at once you will get frustrated, one small win at a time! They build into one great big success story!

[hopingthishelps]

Hhhhmmmmmm I agree that would be the best honest way but I'm scared that if she realises I have worked them out again she will feel really pissed of with me .. We are / I am trying to move on and work on our relationship as it's definitely on its last chance ..
Yeah, not sure if it would be the best but then again I can't fathom another way .. I'll sleep on it ....
And I agree about these social apps causing trouble .. you can work out where people are, with who, doing what, for how long, befriending who .. If only I could get paid for that kind of work I am an expert LOL...

Seriously though for me, checking on these sites and taking bits of information from here and there and then creating my own mental jigsaw became / has become literally addictive ..

It is a total disrespect to my partners privacy, and an invasion of her personal stuff .. Its like rummaging through someones draws and going through their stuff..

It must feel awful to have your partner do that to you .. Especially when you have done nothing wrong ..

I could do with some sort of electric shock system that sends a painful shock every time I check ...

I am seriously not going to be so weak again ..

[hopingthishelps]

Thank you! I have been here before but also lucky enough to get another chance with my partner .. This IS the last chance though .. I will do this now! :)